Welcome

May. 3rd, 2020 08:31 am
seventhe: (Rydia: shine)
Hi, this is Sev Dragomire, please leave a message if you want to be friends.

About
Sev is an incredibly awesome lady who is technically in her thirties but - as her friends will tell you - is actually a 75-year-old hobo grandmother who likes brandy, knitting, cats, complaining about people, and being tactless. She's a chemical engineer & polymer scientist by training, who currently works (too much) running a research-and-development scale pilot plant: her job is exhausting and horrible and unfortunately a keen fit for her skills and needs, which she finds very disappointing. She is a reasonably antisocial introvert who enjoys sharp, clever, meaningful friendships that function mostly online (to allow her antisocial introvert agoraphobia free reign).

Her health is poor; she suffers from fibromyalgia, widespread arthritis, asthma, depression, anxiety, and a broke-ass immune system whose favorite hobby is picking up flus and diseases from anywhere and slamming them down her throat for days at a time.

She loves her family, especially her two nieces, very much. She is currently in an It's Complicated with a very nice Someone.

Sevdrag is owned by three cats. Speaking with Sev is somewhat like trying to converse with your 75-year-old drunk grandmother who is just learning how to text.

This Blog

Posts here meet one or more of the following criteria:

  • Archiving the difficulties of living with fibro

  • Venting about The Job

  • liveblogging depression & anxiety

  • health-related thoughts (mental & physical)

  • Sharing writing ideas, projects, and work - ideally actual written words

  • drunken shitposting

  • thoughts on video games, books, movies, TV

  • personal updates & journal entries

  • idle thoughts on other stuff

  • drunken shitpostsing with friends
seventhe: (Default)
Today I learned that my phone autocorrect and predictive texting have pretty effectively picked up my mannerisms and habits and vocabulary, SOOOOO as a game whose bounds are "hilarity" or "creepily accurate", leave me a one-word prompt to start a phrase and my phone and I will read you your fortune.
seventhe: (Quistis/Rydia: Yeah I Ship It)

so i've talked here a lot about fibromyalgia, and stress, and energy and chronic fatigue, and the concept of overcharging on a credit card and then having to pay the balance and interest later; it's an analogy that feels pretty close to the experience, just another way to phrase the spoon theory. I've been managing this on a microscale for the last couple years: spend all my energy at work, push off the crash until i get home, have no energy to do anything; repeat. well, it turns out this happens on the macroscale as well, as i found out last week when i finally had the first part of the breakdown i've been holding off for four years running.

i took two days off of work to manage it - yeah, i haven't even been here a month and i'm taking vacation, but they know about my health problems and are v understanding - and it was ... just ... weird

it's very overwhelming when all the bullshit you've been suppressing for four years straight decides to come due and crash down on you all at once. and it isn't over -- you can't recover from four years in ten days, you just can't.

but that's where i am, and that's what is happening, and my partner and i had an incredibly pleasant lazy weekend and he also cleaned my entire kitchen (as in, exiled me to the couch to relax while he cleaned it, which did lead to a massive meltdown on my part, but worked eventually when i fell asleep on the couch) and we went to the farmer's market and bought delicious fresh local food and veggies and fruits, so i have good motivation to eat well and take care of myself this week.

i'm very wary of what else might be behind the (cracking, breaking) dam, waiting to flood me out, but ... if i could handle those four years, i can handle whatever backlash they're gonna dish out

seventhe: (Cats: I LIKE THEM)

We continue to grow and mature :3 At 5-6 weeks, the kittens are less clumsy (please note I did not say "no longer clumsy" because, well, kittens) and very curious. This weekend we had our first outing, to my screened-in porch. it went reasonably well; the kittens were a little intimidated by things like SUN and NATURE!!!! but recovered quickly and had a good exploration. I need to start showing them to Porter and Rydia, so that they understand that cats other than themselves exist, to help them be potentials for a multi-cat home.

Mama also had some outings: she got to explore the 2nd floor, and went out on the porch, and exchanged some tentative interactions with Porter (they ate treats within 2 feet of each other with no signs of distress). The problem is, now she wants to go out the door, a lot. I can understand hating being trapped in one room with your 4 hyperactive little shits, but Mama's gotta bear it for now.

Fostering takes time. On a work day, I have 3-4 visits: once in the morning before I leave (food, water); once right after I get home (food, water, litterboxes); once mid-evening (playtime); and once before I go to bed (whatever needs doing). Ideally these visits should be at least 15 min, and the more time you can spend with your fosters, the better they'll do...

I'm in a new job (MORE ON THAT LATER, YO) with the 9/80 option, which I'm going to try initially. This makes my target work hours 7:30-8:00 -- 17:00-17:30 for most days. This means normally I need to be up and moving by 6:30 at the latest, and that includes no time for kits; it also means I won't be home until like 18:30-19:00 usually, as I have to hit the grocery, run errands, work out, etc after work. I have to get my ass in bed earlier to hit that earlier hour, like 23:00 latest. This gives me a little over 4 hr every night to relax, eat dinner, care for ALL cats (mine and the temps), do chores, and maybe do a hobby thing. I am not sure I like this schedule; however every other Friday off sounds nice.

My sleep goals are 23:00-06:00 for now. This means I need to be in bed ABOUT 22:30 because I take a ton of time to fall asleep. Even typing about sleep is gross right now. I am tired

I don't know what else to say, I'll try to post some more recent photos because these stupid assholes are 2cute

seventhe: (chocobo: hey bb)
I haven't gotten to post updates this week because I've been sick, plus some absolutely unexpected shit went down at work, but I have nothing but good news about the little family.

Rosa responded well to my cues and figured out how to use the litter box within 48 hr. It's still a bit funny watching her go as she chose one of the kitten sized boxes as "hers", so when she tries to bury it, its with newspaper and blankets as well as litter. We haven't quite learnt communication yet - I feel like she wants something she's warbling for, but maybe it's just attention and pets - and she definitely gets a look of solid relief when I have all 4 kids romping on me, like oh ok you've got this imma nap.

The kittens are all eating on their own, though they're also still nursing. They think that Big Mom is Best Toy, who comes with variations like Chew Pants, Attack Toes, and Climb Up Back. They also doze off on me occasionally in those 5-10 min kitten power naps.

They're all curious about the door. I need a plan of attack.
seventhe: (Cats: I LIKE THEM)

This is the Mama, known as Queen Rosa (because queen is the term for a mama cat with a litter of kittens). She's made huge strides even in the two days she has been in my house, although not in pooping.



This is Noctis. He likes to zoom, and chew on my fingers.



This is Prompto, the only lady. She likes to romp and climb on me.



This is Iggy Alton Brown. He likes to romp, but also likes his solitude. He tries to climb my sleeves.



This is Potato. He likes to sit on me, and refuses to eat because he likes nursing the best. He is pretty clumsy.




This is a lap party: see from top down Prompto, Iggy, Noctis, and Potato.
seventhe: trowasfacewhen.com (Trowa: OH NO)
So today has hit some small pros and our first major con, so i'll get that out of the way first: even though the kids are taking splendidly to the litterbox, Mama Rosa for absolute definite sure is not litter-trained. She has been very polite about it, albeit rather weird -- most cats don't want their business near their food, while Mama has, uh, used whatever I have under the food both times -- so while i get to manage these terrible little twits, i also get to litter-train mom. woo. done it before, yeah, but was really hoping mum would take a hint from kids. especially as i'm changing their litter over to a non-clumping natural litter, because babies lick tons of it off their feet when learning how to poo and i'd rather not have one of my darlings need an emergency run from blockage. tiiiiiime to line that side of the room with newspaper so i can use it to t r a i n.

some good moments from the day: apparently all 4 kids have decided that Big Mom is the greatest thing in the world to climb on and romp on. I'm covered in tiny little claw scratches - today, we introduced the concept of claw-clipping - but i CAN say that Potato sat on my shoulders for a good deal of the morning. I open the door and get flooded by tiny bodies fighting over who reins the magical Land of Lap. i finally got mama enough food that she isn't scarfing down everything she gets (this will, unfortunately, be a fact of life days i'm near work, until i can convince her that dry food is in fact tasty and will be okay to nom). Mama comes out to greet me and purrs when i pet her.

i am desperately in love with all 5 of them, and i already know that this separation is going to be really, really hard. i've fallen for two of them already, hard, but today the other two really worked on my heart, and of course a not-so-secret part of me is hoping Mama shapes up to be a merge-able friend to my existing family -- but as always i keep telling myself that fostering is to make other families happy and that taking a foster needs to remain a last-resort option in my back pocket for true emergency situations. my cousin today asked about them on facebook and i think my heart broke thinking of not being able to keep them.

i had low-key anxiety all day; i woke up exhausted, 3 hours of sleep according to my Fitbit, had a dr appt this morning, just a "check up" which ended up being generally useless AFTER being late because the power was out in the entire area, so i was later than expected to work and never pulled myself out of the hole; the latter half of my day was full of anxiety that someone would shock themselves or swallow too much litter or make it out the door of god knows what, and i couldn't get home fast enough ALTHOUGH i HAD to stop for more supplies to keep this crowd going.

also not helping the fact is that i'm still crying about Marzy - around every 2-3 days, something will strike me, and i am suddenly Not Okay again in tears on the floor. (i've built a tiny - shrine makes me sound crazy; it's a little memorial area, with the three cards from his vets (that made me cry again) and his ashes and the bit of fur they saved for me and some flowers and an offering bowl of water, of course, with a hairband in it, because he was an asshole.) these cats are in no way a replacement for him, but it's like a double-whammy-gone-bad: i feel like i'm desperately trying to plug something in the hole, except it's more obvious now that nothing is ever going to fill that hole and all i can do is wait for time to smooth out the jagged edges.

i'm starting to realize that this isn't all about the loss of a piece of my heart, and that it's more about the desperate cry for help of someone who's at the end of her rope and has been for a while and is compiling issues on issues because she has the emotional range of a tree stump



ANYWAY, let me see if i can upload some photos, and you all can meet the kittens, enough with this sobbing ass bullshit
seventhe: (Cats: I LIKE THEM)
So with the help of [personal profile] drakonlily and [personal profile] crankyoldman and some other friends, we have collectively rescued a mama cat and five babies from the wilds of a porch in Columbus. One of the babies was adopted out; the other 4 came to live with me until they are old enough to leave mama.

Mama is 1-2 years and incredibly smol. The 4 babies are around 3-4 weeks old. I know it's gonna go quickly, so I'm gonna keep a record here of what we do each day that's cute and noteworthy. I've been up there maybe 6-7 times today, making sure mama has enough food, making sure everyone is adjusting. Here are today's benchmarks:

- all the kids run to greet me when I come in the room, with tiny squeaks
- I had four amazed and confused kittens breathlessly watching me scoop their poops
- mama realized she could get away from the kittens by jumping on the bed; she then proceeded to take a half-hour breather-nap while I babysat
- for the first time since they've been here, mama lay down by me and let them nurse. I've never been able to actually watch a mama and litter nursing from that close and for that long before. The purring as the kittens feed reaches incredible volumes, and mom alternated between dozing and giving me this worn-upon look that's the cat equivalent of rolling eyes. I was just surprised and impressed that in the short time she's been here she came to trust me enough to feed the kids less than a foot from me. <333333


Tomorrow we start clipping kitty claws, and introduce some new toys. As for tonight, I'm curled up on the couch (where I've been sleeping bc my bed is covered in stuff, but that's another story) with my cats on and near me, and we're off to bed. They aren't mad yet, just a bit needy and kind of resigned.


Obviously pics will be coming -- it's hard to get great shots in that room, but I'll manage. :3
seventhe: (Rydia: spiral)
chrio (1354 words) by seventhe
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Final Fantasy XII
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Penelo/Larsa Ferrinas Solidor
Characters: Penelo, Larsa Ferrinas Solidor
Additional Tags: precocious boy-kings again, I can't stop
Series: Part 4 of Making Words with Sev and Rina 2017
Summary:

Larsa is eighteen, and taller than she, and tomorrow the entire nation - much of Ivalice, in fact - will celebrate Larsa reaching his majority. Penelo knows there is a change coming.




i cannot deal with my writing; i know this is paced a bit unfortunately, but shut the fuck up, i did the thing that made the words, that's two pieces done after a really long drought so hush and let's read about my superhuge boner for precocious boy-kings and the objects / targets of their affections (larsa hones in like a laser beam, part one of a million)
seventhe: (Rydia: dragons)
jesus sound the bells i have finally written a prompt thing

the breath of a fire (1012 words) by seventhe
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Final Fantasy IV
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Characters: Rydia (Final Fantasy IV), Asura (Final Fantasy IV), Leviathan (Final Fantasy IV)
Additional Tags: Meta
Summary:

prompt: parting ways. Rydia is told she needs to leave.

A List

Apr. 19th, 2017 05:13 pm
seventhe: (SAZH)

Of Things I Have Had To Deal With Today:

  • ohio building code
  • our USW union contract
  • urinal pads
  • ancient budget history
  • $50K worth of pipe inspections
  • an old push-cart toolbox
  • my angry uterus
  • 46 emails
  • paper cups for water
  • summit county contractor registration codes
  • purchase requisitions

this is the kind of day where i sit here like, gee, i am so glad that i went through school to become an engineer, then grad school, then working through 12 years to be running this plant, so that i can deal with urinal pads and cup drama all day

seventhe: (chocobo: hey bb)
i've been doing research for a while but ever since this idea grabbed me last weekend i've been doing RESEARCH, and i mean research not like once i did research for a paper, but research both as "someone who once for many years worked in the research field and whose livelihood depended on researching and finding things and drawing them together" and "wow something i am interested in that isn't being hit in the head by a pipe wrench". this is a new obsession - probably because it's a novelty, so there's a chance it won't last - but at least i am diving in with a bit of (if limited by my own shitfaced depressive reality) enthusiasm.

i realize this really isn't the approach anyone wants -- approaching a religion, or spirituality, should be taken seriously; yet I'm finding that I'm That Guy who's gonna walk into a church and be all like, "so I'm gonna take a couple weeks and kinda fuck around with Jesus, dat cool?" I hope I mean no disrespect but I automatically know I am disrespectful as fuck - look, I was born a Dragomire, and we are utterly irreverent shits; we are the team that would push the red button just because we were told not to. So I am trying to approach this in a sense of -- healthy fun, maybe?; I want to give it its due, but I also need to have some dialogue before we jump in the sack, right?

anyway the way this entry is going is that to say, i've actually found some good words in this search to describe what Marzy was in my life and why this particular hole is so fuckin painful, upsetting, uprooted - if i view my life through this particular lens, it's pretty obvious what Marzy was, and even in a scientific / electromagnetic sense, it makes perfect sense.

Marzy was my grounding line. He was my grounding ritual; he was my neutral to ground; he was the thing which, after a long day of static and bullshit and awful, i could take and touch and hold and feel, and he would take all of the negativity and all of the buildup and just wash it away, down into the ground, until all that was left was belly and purr and sweet, sweet neutrality.

Marzy was my ground point and no wonder with him gone I've felt imbalanced and unstable.


fuck man. i was saying it was silly to be so upset about a cat, but in this context - where he was part of a physical ritual bringing me back to myself - i've lost my goddamn grounding wire, i think i have an excuse for building up a fuckin charge over here.
seventhe: (Burger King: In the butt!)
not for the first time in my career, i am entirely thankful that my time and experience in writing fanfiction taught me so much about delivering constructive criticism.

odd to think that years of writing magic, bullshit, and dicks developed a skill i'm now using to fire someone, but you know, life is weird, she moves in mysterious ways.

FFFKB

Feb. 28th, 2017 06:40 pm
seventhe: (Edge/Kain)



look i'm just now getting time to play stop judging me and start making people kiss ~!
seventhe: (Default)

DONT JUDGE ME i drew this with my finger on my phone


FINAL FANTASY KISS BATTLE 2017!!!


It’s February and yes, that means: time for the kiss battle. Friend kisses, loving kisses, angry kisses, familial kisses, porny kisses, mouth to mouth or mouth to cheek or mouth to [insert body part here] -- all are welcome!

Guidelines for the game:
  • All kisses welcome! Gen, shippy, family, friendship!

  • Be kind to other people’s character/relationship choices. :) Everyone is welcome!

  • Seriously, everyone is welcome - Livejournal, Dreamwidth, OpenID, whatever!

  • Each fandom has a comment for ease of sorting! Please post in the format of Title (Characters/Pairing, Rating)

  • Prompt early, prompt often and leave as many as you want!

  • Prompts can be filled multiple times.

  • No prompts required if you desire a kiss blitzkrieg; just post it as a reply to the fandom!

  • Tell your friends!



Comments, Questions, or additional fandoms you'd like to see

FINAL FANTASY I
FINAL FANTASY II
FINAL FANTASY III
FINAL FANTASY IV AND RELATED
FINAL FANTASY V
FINAL FANTASY VI
FINAL FANTASY VII AND RELATED
FINAL FANTASY VIII
FINAL FANTASY IX
FINAL FANTASY X AND X-2
FINAL FANTASY XI
FINAL FANTASY XII AND RELATED
FINAL FANTASY XIII AND RELATED
FINAL FANTASY XIV
FINAL FANTASY XV
FINAL FANTASY TACTICS AND RELATED
FINAL FANTASY RECORD KEEPER
FINAL FANTASY TYPE-0
BRAVELY DEFAULT & SECOND
FINAL FANTASY SPIRITS WITHIN
FINAL FANTASY BRAVE EXVIUS
FINAL FANTASY GENERAL & CROSSOVERS
seventhe: (Cock: GIANT COCKFISTING)

Based on this, let's see how we did in January... For context, in January, I:
* Dealt with furnace break and repair for about 5 days
* Babysat my niece from a Thursday night to the next Monday morning
* Went to Pittsburgh with my partner to marry two of my best friends
* Got knocked on my ass for 2 days by a surprise sinus infection
* went through an absolutely horrible HR-centric clusterfuck which ended in having to terminate a previously (technically) excellent employee, which was draining

So, as much as I may not want to admit it, I didn't have as much weekend time as I would have liked. But also, I let things slip.

Let's see....

  1. Health:

    • I didn't make it to the gym at all. I meant to, but it did not happen. I need to make myself a true workout plan and stick to it.
    • I did actually eat pretty healthy (except that weekend in Pittsburgh where I said my words over lemon drop shots and we signed their marriage license making sure there was a nice beer ring on the paper) with food at home - not packing lunches yet. Also, I did clean out my fridge and pantry.
    • not sure on weight -- I had lost 5 lb, and then this morning I'd gained 5 -- I did just put my NuvaRing back in, so it may be hormonal water holding.
    • My dr and I have added a medication to my fibromyalgia treatment package (so I am now on Cymbalta, Lyrica, buproprion, buspirone, Mobic, and trazodone) and I have adjusted my supplement regimen so that I'm focusing on boosting my immune system which is at what may be an all-time low. I had the med adjustment period, but I am hopeful.
  2. Writing: I'm at 1/52 for the prompts (should be at 5/52). I did write two pieces for prompt #1 though?

  3. Art: I'm at 14/365 (should be at 31/365). It actually surprises me that I've done 14, although probably only 25% of them have been anything above the layer of crap. However, it means I should be able to do >0 arts this year - maybe I can keep up with it?

  4. Home: I haven't done this well. Although I did get the fucking furnace fixed; it's great when I can surprise the repairman because shock, I'm an engineer, and while I wouldn't necessarily start pulling out wires inside my furnace panel, I certainly know what a draft inducer blower is, and that it should not have water in it

  5. Mental: I've done OK in letting hobbies be chores. With this new medication plan I'm going through the grieving process of believing I would ever be a healthy, able-bodied person again.

  6. Work: I am taking huge steps in making it clear where my line is between assisting on a project and completing action items for it. I also had the awful situation I outlined above, which will be saved for another post.

  7. F&F: I saw my niece, and went to Pittsburgh to visit (marry) friends - with my partner, and we had an absolutely fantastic time with each other. I did ask him for support when I needed it while going through the horrible HR fiasco, and we talked a bit about where boundaries might be.

Rather than setting firm goals for February, instead I want to just pick three areas to focus in:

  1. GET TO THE GYM. THERE'S ONE RIGHT UP THE ROAD IN A DIFFERENT BUILDING ON THE WORK CAMPUS.
  2. Uncluttering. Laundry / clothes to donate is a big area of shame right now.
  3. Make up some ground on my art & writing commitments.

[EDIT] ok so I really like Markdown but there's something funny about this version of it that's making me mad

seventhe: (Cock: the new plot)
So, for week 1/52/2017, I give to you:

this is no royal sleepover (1237 words) by seventhe
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Final Fantasy XII
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca, Vossler York Azelas
Summary:

Ashelia is dead, and the Queen of Dalmasca would never ask for comfort.



Perchance (2869 words) by seventhe
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Final Fantasy X
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Auron (Final Fantasy X), Braska, Jecht, Tidus's Mother, Yuna's Mother, Rikku's mother, unnamed final fantasy women
Additional Tags: unnamed mothers, Farplane, Pajama Party, this is the worst pajama party
Summary:

Three grieving women have a (pajama) party. On the Farplane. To die; to sleep.





SO LOOK I AM A FUCK OKAY and what happened here is, first the "pajama party" part of the prompt stuck in my head and I just had to ruin it and the first thing happened, and then the "three women together" part stuck in my head and I had to completely fuck that too so the second part happened and now I am stuck at the corner of Morose Depressing Avenue and Brandy Boulevard and I'm kind of emotionally compromised because instead of spouting 100 words of fluff I made this depressing horrible shit so, welcome to 2017 where Sev destroys all your happiness and prompts, you are welcome, refills are free at this bar
seventhe: (Cats: I LIKE THEM)

...or some other shittastic ~~pensive~~ title because I'm so fucking out of goddamn fucks already it's the 14th half of january is gone jesus christ stop fucking moving so fast i would like off this ride thanks

I like the organization of "new year resolutions" not really because I believe you need to wait for a calendar year to make serious changes, but because there's something very neat about the way things can slot into having to write a new date on all your sign-offs and checks do people still use checks? i only have to sign them at work and lists and notes; to the excel spreadsheet that is my mind1, I like the way aligning change with change sorts itself.

This year I am returning to quantifiable goals in some ways, since the general vagueness of "do X more" may be more friendly but does not truly work in the lifestyle I have at the moment. I wanted to do a deep introspective post as a lead in but fuck that, I already have two truly severe horror stories about 20172 and it's the 14th, but I feel like I want to make a statement about the year before I devolve back into bitchcraft and wizardry.

As another change this year, I am looking for friends to help keep me accountable to these things. I've already roped and wrangled a couple people along with me, but if you have similar goals, let's discuss ways we can shame uh motivate SHAME each other into proceeding, or mainly just me, I require someone to - not compete with, but to keep up with, in a way, anyway, I am terrible so do stop.

So here is a list of my intentions for what I have labeled 12/52/365/20173:

  1. Health. Rather than breaking this down into a tale of my woes and triggering an actual breakdown I will instead list the targets:

    • Get more than 4.5 hours of (good, deep, REM) sleep on average. According to my Fitbit, my average in 2016 was below 4.5 hours4. This involves a lot of things, including going to bed earlier and somehow figuring out how robots relax.
    • Working out. My goal for working out is to visit the gym - or otherwise work out - on at least 1/3 of the days of 2017: 122/365/2017. 122 visits. This is 2-3 workouts a week on average which should be doable for someone with fibro, assuming I keep them reasonable.
    • General. Continue stocking and making healthy food at home. Drink less at home5. Go back to packing lunches for work.
    • Weight/Size. Due to medication changes, 3 surgeries, and a major job change with severely increased my responsibilities, I gained 25-30 lb in 2017, putting me into the beginnings of an unhealthy place I don't want to be6. It's also fairly annoying to be at the upper limit of most of my clothing, to be frank. My goal is to use the above 3 points to try to lose 25+ pounds in 2017, OR return to the range of a size 8-107 where my clothing lives. 25/2017. A half a pound a week will do.
  2. Writing. [personal profile] lassarina is my partner here; we have pledged to write a fic a week of at least 100 words using a list of prompts we gathered earlier. (Of course, I am already behind, although I plan to work on that immediately after this entry.) 52/2017. The hope, of course, is that writing small things helps to spur the writing of larger things. They will be posted on AO3 and linked from here.

    • subgoal: at least 1 entry a week on DW (52/2017), and 1 entry a week on my secret business blog which I will share once I have some substance (52/2017).
  3. Art. [personal profile] justira is my partner here; we have, quite hilariously, pledged to draw a thing a day. For Ira, those things may be recognizable as art; for me, I reserve the right to draw a shit doodle with my finger on my iPhone, as long as it is a drawing of some sort. They'll be posted right here at the Feymarch Library where most of my art shame lives.

  4. Home. Of course I have big statements to make about the first floor remodel I want to do, but honestly this is about habits, so my 2017 goal is to declutter my life. Every day I will do at least 1 chore dedicated to decluttering my home8 or otherwise making my life easier (cooking a big meal for the week, etc).

  5. Mental. A few mantras I am focusing on:

    • Allow hobbies to be chores. This sounds counter-intuitive, but last year I got away from a lot of hobbies I love because I had "so much other shit to do" that was more important in my mind. This year, writing, art, knitting, gaming, reading; these are allowed to be chores I can give priority to. It's okay to write if I still have dishes to do.
    • Recharge your battery. If I have a night where I am truly in too much pain to do anything, I need to stop whining and griping about that, and instead focus on my own comfort and recovery, because self-care is allowed to be a priority, also.
    • Ground myself. I'm not a nice person by default9 so making a pledge to share the love or be kinder doesn't really mean anything to me; but I believe I can eliminate some of the negative energy by grounding myself more and letting it just pass on into the neutral environment rather than building up a static charge.
    • Be more of who you are. I lost my way at work somewhat this year faced with a gigantic new challenge with no lessening of my previous responsibilities, interpersonal conflicts, and some sporadic and questionable criticism. Moving forward I need to remember who the fuck I am and be that lady as hard as possible, because that's where I am awesomest.
    • Allow myself to unplug. I don't have to be tied to my phone - not just for work, but texting with friends or playing stamina games. I can leave it in the corner and just be for an evening.
  6. Work. I need to focus on managing more: I am a manager, not a contributor, and I need to focus more on leading and guiding people in big-picture ways towards improvement. Too many people list me as a project leader or member, when I should not be a worker on anyone's project - and this is what makes my job so unmanageable. It isn't just me letting go; I need to make it clear to others that there should be more than one person who knows how to do the things I do.

  7. Family & Friends.

    • See my nieces at least once a month. See my parents at least once a quarter.
    • Continue to work with my partner on this great relationship we have developed. Learn to ask him for help more, and learn where his boundaries are for asking help. Show love and appreciation better. Develop a good schedule for spending more time together - we are both very obviously happier and healthier when we do.
    • Try to visit someone or travel at least once a quarter -- traveling is really costly to me in terms of energy, but I have broken through some of my traveling-and-health fears last year (Japan!) so it would be cool to travel a bit with friends when the opportunity is there.
    • Stay in touch: post, email, text. Reach out in new areas.

Seven is my lucky number. That's 2017.


1 (mind palace?? nothing so fancy; my brain is a four-dimensional fully-formulated spreadsheet archive with tabs, complete with charts, graphs, and little programs that sort by categories and make a smiley face out of pixels.)

2 the first, about my fucking furnace; the second, about my fucking supervisor. stay tuned for more great literature on what makes my life a goddamned shitshow shitcom!

3 because I want to quantify it and report on things, see, like the project manager i am

4 Now, the reason I am not dead is because there is also some restless sleep in there, but the problem is twofold: (a) i only get 4.5 fucking hours of the good sleep (b) the good sleep comes in 30-45 minute spurts which is nowhere near what's needed for mental recovery (c) for fibromyalgia one of the most productive and healing things you can do is get REM sleep.

5 lolololoLLOLOLOLLOOLLOOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL

6 lots of family history of pre-diabetes; I've already noticed my hypoglycemia and blood sugar problems are getting worse. I realize this isn't always correlated to weight but as there is some data pointing that way (scientific as well as family), I want to be sure to avoid it, because dude if you stack fuckin diabetes on top of this stack of medical bullshit I may just ravine myself

7 since women's sizes can never make up their damn minds

8 on bad days this might actually be something like "put dishes in dishwasher" but let's face it sometimes even that doesn't happen

9 nothing against anyone, I'm just kind of sociopathic and hate people in general; i've learnt to "play nice" and I can and do feel love for specific people, but i'm really just not friendly

seventhe: (Rosa/Rydia: got your back)

So I am having a hard time dealing with this celebrity death. Which is incredibly awkward for me, because I severely dislike celebrity culture in all of its forms and all of its cultures and find admiration of celebrities weird at best and dumb at worst --- and yet, with very little actual fannish involvement on my side, I -- find myself torn up on this one.

Part of it is that she was a brutal advocate for mental illness normalization and a firm voice for feminism against judgment and ownership of womens' bodies; and, in combination, my personalization and respect for that.

Part of it is as a child, with Star-Wars-fan parents, Princess Leia was one of few lady icons I was given that I could relate to and would choose to embody in play with my brother and friends. (Keep in mind I came up in the 80s, in a family who deliberately grew me fierce, angry, and (actual quote) "one tough broad"; does it surprise anyone that I drastically, spasmodically embraced Rosa and (especially) Rydia in the first video game I played where women were fierce and did damage?)

Part of it IS that childhood nostalgia, because (the) Star Wars (trilogy) was our "family night" backup movie in the case that no one would agree; this movie series is a fundamental arterial vein in the blood of my family and my own history and development.

Part of it is her amazing script writing talent, and her incredibly self-deprecating amazing writing, and the way both of those things knit into my own psyche.

and Part of it is that literally the day before, my partner and I were hanging with my parents post-Christmas, and they knew (despite the fact he's 18 years older than me) he'd never seen the trilogy: so we watched the whole thing in one day, fueled by pot roast and wine and whiskey and more wine, and family feeling. Lots of feeling. Even if he fell asleep during the third one because it is literally against the laws of physics to keep this man awake during any given movie.

and literally The Next Day we were out for a lunch with my parents before we drove back to Ohio, and I happened to pull up my text messages, and discovered Carrie had passed away that day in 2016.


I am now watching Clone Wars, the periodical cartoon, in her honor; no matter that Princess/General Leia did not even exist in this time frame; I needed something that was related but wasn't her face: something to respect without it making me more tied-in with this celebrity - a tie-in I already found awkward - and making my own reaction less dealable; I am watching Clone Wars.

And I appreciate it now: there is a young lady as the protagonist --- yes, Anakin is the protagonist, in many ways; but the story is told through Ahsoka, a young badass fucking amazing and powerful padawan lady, and

right now it is what I need, to remind myself that any genre can spit out a powerful lady if it feels compelled to -- and with the bar set to General Leia, I should never expect less.

what the fuck am i even saying

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