May. 3rd, 2020 08:31 am
seventhe: (Rydia: shine)
Hi, this is Sev Dragomire, please leave a message if you want to be friends.

Sev is an incredibly awesome lady who is technically in her thirties but - as her friends will tell you - is actually a 75-year-old hobo grandmother who likes brandy, knitting, cats, complaining about people, and being tactless. She's a chemical engineer & polymer scientist by training, who currently works (too much) running a research-and-development scale pilot plant: her job is exhausting and horrible and unfortunately a keen fit for her skills and needs, which she finds very disappointing. She is a reasonably antisocial introvert who enjoys sharp, clever, meaningful friendships that function mostly online (to allow her antisocial introvert agoraphobia free reign).

Her health is poor; she suffers from fibromyalgia, widespread arthritis, asthma, depression, anxiety, and a broke-ass immune system whose favorite hobby is picking up flus and diseases from anywhere and slamming them down her throat for days at a time.

She loves her family, especially her two nieces, very much. She is currently in an It's Complicated with a very nice Someone.

Sevdrag is owned by three cats. Speaking with Sev is somewhat like trying to converse with your 75-year-old drunk grandmother who is just learning how to text.

This Blog

Posts here meet one or more of the following criteria:

  • Archiving the difficulties of living with fibro

  • Venting about The Job

  • liveblogging depression & anxiety

  • health-related thoughts (mental & physical)

  • Sharing writing ideas, projects, and work - ideally actual written words

  • drunken shitposting

  • thoughts on video games, books, movies, TV

  • personal updates & journal entries

  • idle thoughts on other stuff

  • drunken shitpostsing with friends
seventhe: (Joie)

Thought the first:

The results clearly show that white Americans hate the government more than they hate racism and sexism.

We see that they hate the system enough that relevant experience becomes a negative and lack of experience a positive; that they want change, regardless of what it is, more than they want to embrace and protect their brothers and sisters who are Black, Hispanic, gay, female, chronically ill.

When framed in this way I find myself beginning to find something that I can... understand isn't the exact word I want, because I do not (and will never) understand why anyone finds that man to be a suitable and respectable face of the United States, but it's a framework I can, at least, process. I was a research scientist in an old life; I need to understand some form of why before I can really begin*.

Thought the second:

The new President is not necessarily the scariest piece on this new chessboard (which is surprising in itself). The Vice President is equally terrifying in his horrible, backwards, compassion-less approach to women, to LGBTQ+, to foreigners. But the scariest thing of all is that a full half of our nation either follows this awful rhetoric or found it unoffensive enough to make a vote for non-traditional government a net win. The scariest thing of all is the possibility that 50% of the people I interact with either consider me through a set of sexist, racist**, homophobic filters, or care so little about my sex & gender, my race, and my queerness that they consider me - my friends, my family - an acceptable side-product loss in the all-important act of, basically, giving the government a middle finger.

Thought the third:

It is true that we don't know what the 45th Presidency will be like. It is possible that the situation will be less dire than people expect. But how true? How possible?

Actions speak louder than words, and the actions we have seen at rallies have been (socially, mentally, physically) brutal - and the actions of the P & VP have been to condone these actions rather than shame them; to encourage them, to laugh at them, to cheer them, rather than to denounce and disable them.
I refuse to give the "benefit of the doubt" to a set of people whose visible actions in the last 12+ months have been deplorable. Words and speeches mean nothing compared to actual data.

Thought the fourth:

There are calls to be kind, to attempt understanding and teamwork, and I would correct that phrasing somewhat myself: we need to be kind, yes, but we need to not let calm turn into complacency. We need to be a hard kind, a strong kind; we need our goodwill to have teeth. Working together is the only way we can move out of this, yes; but I see no real reason to be "kind" to someone promoting agendas of racism, of sexism, of assault on woman-bodies and conversion camps for the LGBTQetc.

We need to avoid descending to the low level of the very thing we are fighting, yes, but I do not truly think you can kill hate entirely with only kindness and love. I also - less, or maybe more, importantly - do not think myself capable of showing true kindness to someone whose actions and beliefs condemn myself and my friends to danger and to a lesser-than status.

Thought the final:

I still feel like this is a world that doesn't exist; like this didn't happen, like it couldn't have happened. Possibly because I watched it unfold while in the airport in another country, on another continent, through the tiny pocket-size screen of my smartphone -- but also partly because, I fear, I still had a piece of faith left in (white) humanity.

* begin here meaning the process of sorting through my own feelings and determining the path i want to take
** "racist" does not actually apply to me here, as I am white AF, but I needed to recognize it in this sentence


Sep. 14th, 2016 11:11 pm
seventhe: (Default)

I spent today noticing how I spend my energy and, notably, what drains me. And, not surprisingly, - lot of what drains me is human interaction. HA HA HA,IM IN MIDDLE/UPPER MANAGEMENT AND DEALING WITH PEOPLE MAKES ME TIRED, isn't it ironic.

So what I'm trying to do is differentiate which interactions I can't avoid, and which ones I could try better to delegate to other people. What I've learned so far:

  • people coming to my door every 5 minutes when I'm clearly working on something and either asking me questions or giving me updates -- sadly that's part of the job, although I can try to get ppl not in my department better trained so they're not always asking me questions and/or asking my department to consider whether I really need to be updated -- but a certain part of this is inherent in the job and will never go away.

  • visitors, vendor meetings, or other forced interpersonal interactions overtaking the usual workday -- there really is a small portion of this that's required. However. I could work to develop my engineering staff so that they could be the contact point for, say, people who visit from the plants to work on a project. Which leads me to:

  • working intensely on something with other people -- this is actually the serial killer of my energy. So, this week we had a visitor from the plants to help us re-develop our MOC process and move to new software. She's incredibly knowledgeable and the whole three day visit was entirely amazingly productive. However, this sort of intense interpersonal work for hours at a time is an incredible drain on my reserves and accounts for a lot of the overcharging to my energy credit card. I put my brain into a very highly-functional state and generate incredible amounts of work, looking at big picture as well as small details - the forest and the trees - and I also watch the people I'm working with to figure out what their weaknesses are so that I know we're covering everything we need to. I'm always the one recording because I know for a fact I take the kind of notes we need to capture everything, and then I'm the one compiling what our results were and what conclusions we're going forward with. This constant, intense operation of my super smart*, psychasthenic brain leads to mental exhaustion, which translates into sapping my physical energy just to get through the day, which triggers the fibro feedback as well as the brain fog.

So -- I'm still collecting the data I need, but I'm trying to think of ways I can lessen the amount of my work time spent doing things like that. Technically managers should be leading and directing rather than doing the intense work -- not that I want to avoid doing it, but it's that kind of work ON TOP OF managerial responsibilities that's incompatible. So I obviously need a crew I can trust to do the same level of thinking. I do, so that they can conduct these development-type work meetings on their own and I just review final results.

But that's a lot to implement and I have to figure out other ways to reduce that kind of intensity -- so more thinking.

Also, this is just the first mental evaluation; I'm sure there are more serial killers to identify.

  • not being arrogant -- I'm highly intelligent in many of the areas in which I work
seventhe: (Default)
So today I am experiencing an incredibly down evening and sitting here wondering how people ever find the time to like, have friends and do helpful friend things

It's very hard to be me today because I'm wondering why I can never get anything done, why I collapse after work with such pain and fatigue that I can barely move, what's so much harder abut my job or my health that I can't do the shit other people can, apparently I am having a huge confidence crisis where I think I'm just a weakling who can't do the shit she should be able to do; I'm not disabled, I'm not ill, my jobs not that hard, I just kind of suck

Weeks ago a friend asked me to review his resume. It's still in my inbox. My mum asked me to read her novel and make comments. Halfway done. Another friend asked me to read her novel and make comments. Haven't started. Today a friend asked me to review their resume within a day or two.

How do people find the energy to be actual friends

I'm deleting this entire entry

More Imzy

Aug. 30th, 2016 11:40 am
seventhe: (Default)
Then I made this because it didn't exist:


Again - who knows how Imzy will kick off and fit in to the current fandom distribution, but. Hey join if you want and let's have some fun. I miss FF fandom and writing prompts and the community feel.


Aug. 26th, 2016 12:32 pm
seventhe: (Laguna: I lost my moomba)
Lily sent me an invite so now I have an Imzy (sevdrag) and a chat community (sevstuff) so please be my friend because I don't yet know how this thing works.
seventhe: (Cock: GIANT COCKFISTING)

  1. Have crippling stress, anxiety, and/or depression

  2. Obtain cheap raspberries at the farmer's market because they're "the bitty, crumbly ones no one wants"

  3. Depression nap for 3 hours

  4. stress bake


Preheat your oven to 350F

Combine in one bowl and whisk together:
1c all purpose white flour
1c whole wheat flour
1/2 c white sugar
1/2 c brown sugar, packed
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
a good shake of cinnamon

Combine in a second bowl and whisk together:
1/4 c butter, melted
1/2 c coconut-almond milk
1/2 c vanilla greek yogurt (no fat)
1/2 c canola oil
splash of vanilla
Add liquid to dry ingredients and mix just until blended. Then add:
1/2 c quick oats

And gently fold in
~2c / 1 pint of raspberries, tossed in flour

This will make
24 muffins

Baked at
350F, 25-30 min depending on your oven

And said muffins are
delicious as fuck

For those who care:
123 cal per muffin; 14g carbs | 7g fat | 2g protein

seventhe: (Default)
weak link? i will
push you until you break;
i expect you to hold my weight,
to carry as much as i do
(if not more)

i am no safety net. i make
no assumptions about you, give
no benefit of the doubt:
there is no room for error.

i will not step in when
you fumble, confused, lacking
not just skills but a basic
understanding. i will push
to find that breaking point;
and judge.

too many i know
fight for these skills,
hone them sharp as knives,
for me to hand you
anything more than rope
seventhe: (Cock: GIANT COCKFISTING)


  1. I make amazing money for my age and I should take advantage of that
  2. I am in a good position: owning a house already, partnered but legally single, no dependents
  3. I need my goddamn health insurance so cannot quit
  4. I don't completely loathe what I do yet (it's more like a bipolar disorder relationship).


  • live well but frugally for the next 15 years
  • enjoy the shit out of the next 15 years well but responsibly
  • take good care of self and health
  • pay off house
  • save well
  • retire at 50.
  • become actual hermit
  • spend rest of life writing and giving the world the middle finger
  • become millionaire
  • replace body with wheels
  • profit

15 more years at my job gives me the new plant I want - covers everything from engineering to actually flipping the switch to development projects - as well as turnover to build a dynasty (not that I am arrogant BUT I AM but really it's to protect the years invested in the place): I'd literally hit the peak of my career then leave. and, if I work it right, lots of company buffing of my 401k.

50 will be a bit old on my poor broken body, but it's still an age you can do most things: travel, hobbies, open a bar with your friends, etc

The counter-thought is "take your break now" but I'm not in any kind of position health-wise to do so: need insurance, so need (a) job; this job has good/decent insurance; not good at traveling right now; too much house debt to really call off the paychecks. Trust me, it's tempting to toss everything and run to the woods, but it isn't a good place.

But working towards something makes the working seem slightly more palatable

1^0 edit I FORGOT TO MENTION what I want to do with my millions: I want to be a patron of the arts and sciences.

One of the things that sticks out in my memory from my Germany trip - touring an old palace - it's so weird that this was significant - but I was doing the headphones tour of Queen Sophie's palace and there was so much discussion about how royalty and the well-off were patrons -- of arts, sciences, literature, voyages, anything they wanted. It is this weird mindset - and ok I know that historical context etc life was NOT A MAGICAL BETTER BACK IN THAT CENTURY - but in our evolution to what we are now we have really and truly lost that spirit? Rich people don't go and support artists they personally think are cool anymore, or host salons for neat artists to get together, or sponsor someone to write a symphony or a novel, and --- there's something about that concept that really appeals to me.

So after my job and my novels and my millions, I plan to become a patron of the arts and sciences. If you can wait 15 years, you all get first dibs.

2^0 edit im not even drunk guys, seriously

seventhe: (Default)
I am stealing [personal profile] novel_machinist's story game because they are fun!

Here's the deal: comment here and I'll write you into the story. If you want to leave a hint or two, go ahead; I'll run with it.

Setting: Vampire colony under the sea. A shipment of vital medical supplies is late, missing, or otherwise gone. Certain people have been tasked to find it.
seventhe: (Life: stress out and die)
I had the absolute worst fibromyalgia [flareup? event? disaster? day?] last night. The pain and fog was just - the best way I can describe it is like you're on a phone call, and there's all this static, and it's breaking up sometimes -- except that you are the phone call, the pain is the static roar in your ears, and the horrible dissociative brain-grinding feeling is twitching you in and out of yourself. My knees were throbbing, my back felt skinned, it was just. horrible. When it faded, it faded into a general all-over body ache, and I was exhausted like I'd just run a marathon while on fire.

Then this morning when I got up the feeling was like when your computer crashed - and you finally get it back, but you have to reconnect everything and redo your settings? That's what it was like. I'm here, but not everything is connected right yet.

The stress of this job is not direct. I'm no longer running around getting lines fixed and vessels into service. It's the more subtle, underlying, poisonous stress, knowing that I'm now responsible for a number of things (and personnel) that were fucked up so long ago there's no 'win' any longer, there's just 'fucking make this stop being a disaster and go away'.

I need, need, need to find better ways to conserve this so very limited energy. Ever since this new job, I come home and crash. That was true before but I used to get a second wind, or even be able to do a few small chores before the crash. Not any more. I crash and that is the end of it.

I don't understand it. I'm in pain at work, always, but I can keep going, do the tasks, get things done; then it's like the second I walk into my house my brain and body go OK, PHEW, WE'RE SAFE NOW and fucking sign off for the rest of the evening.


you know...

Mar. 7th, 2016 09:25 pm
seventhe: (SAZH)
Sometimes there are days where I wonder how people like, you know, live? I worked my normal day today, then went to the grocery, then came home and crashed for a bit, then got up and made a soup. And I am so fucking tired and my legs hurt and my back hurts and my brain is ready to shut off and I can't get up from this couch and I am dead and like. There are people who can do this AND go to the gym AND do laundry AND dishes after they cook AND do something brainful like pay bills or some other reasonable thing and ?????? How do people do this? What is the terrible secret? Have you all sold children or kidneys to some arcane god/dess to get these powers and if so, where do I sign up

It's hard sometimes for me to remember I have a chronic illness. Mainly because I don't want to have a chronic illness.

the soup is really fucking good tho
seventhe: (Life: stress out and die)
"This is my I-don't-care face."
"...that's your normal face."

Today's chore log:
- two rounds of dishes
- cleaned kitchen
- emptied fridge
- washed spots on floor and walls
- spot steam-cleaned carpet
- rearranged living rm on trial basis
- sorted mail & bills
- arranged my prescription refills
- two loads of laundry
- sorted random clothes
- one round of closet purge
- litter boxes
- wrote 1200 words

Helper evidence here.

No, I have no idea where it came from either. May it stick around all week.


Feb. 8th, 2016 10:21 am
seventhe: Sev plays FFIII. (Oh. Okay.) (Refia: oh. okay.)
on Friday 22 January I had laser eye surgery: PRK, which is different than LASIK. Much grosser and longer recovery time.

I'm now in week 3 and everything is still blurry. I can manage to drive to places I already know, aka don't have to read street signs (grocery, wine store, work) and I've driven once at night. The computer screen is readable, but has a sort of haze over it that makes it tricky to work with.

I'm incredibly frustrated even though all things point to normal. I am not patience.

and that's where I've been.


Jan. 11th, 2016 02:35 pm
seventhe: (Ondore: he lies)
made my appointment for eye surgery evaluation. Means I can't wear contacts to Ohayo, but NBD. Hoping I'm still a candidate for ICL and I can get this taken care of soon.
seventhe: (Life: stress out and die)
I just got really depressed about something stupid that's over anyway and I've dumped 3500 words into the next chapter of this in a fit of depressive coping that is probably better than drinking 2 bottles of wine but I might need a glass of wine because it's bedtime and I am too worked up (or not worked up, since that's depression for you) to sleep so I'm going to go write another tragic 3500 words of this bullshit

so here you go, guys, have my fucking shame therapy story

Count the Saints (6407 words) by seventhe
Chapters: 1/?
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Characters: James Potter, Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Albus Dumbledore
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Lily is a badass, remus and sirius figure it out, trash - Freeform, Marauders, Marauders-centric

Peter Pettigrew's surprising actions on Halloween of 1981 have given the Order of the Phoenix a brief but much-needed respite - and advantage, if they are brave enough to press it. Voldemort lives, and the prophecy about Harry still stands, but -- for a brief moment in 1981, it feels like anything is possible.

(AU in which Peter remembers he's Gryffindor after all, James and Lily live, and Sirius and Remus resolve their suspicions. War!AU fic, focusing closely on the Marauders.)

seventhe: (SAZH)

who doesn't like lists. if you don't like lists you are at the wrong journal.

I've made a "Words and Workouts" pact with [personal profile] justira. Our goals are low, but meaningful: 1500 words per week; 3 workouts per week. We will have lovely charts to share. I mean to stick to this - both of them. Here are some thoughts...

  • So, I am in fact wordsing again. The shameful part is that it's Harry Potter fic. HP is like my shame comfort fandom - when I am ill, I browse AO3 and look for fics with high kudos and pairings that I like, no fucking regrets. I was ill for like 93% of last week which meant I read a lot of trash. I am now writing HP trash. I don't even give a fuck. It's words and I will have fun, even if HP fandom is beyond the grave.
  • If I can get moving again with the writing, I want to work on original stuff this year, but I also want to get back to dabbling in fandom - prompt memes and the like. I miss the sense of connection that comes with fannish writing. Hang me.
  • Right now my workout goals are more about consistency than actual workouts. I want to focus on swimming first - that's my best and favorite sport, and why not do a workout that I actually enjoy? After that, I'd like to go back to yoga, then running and biking. Of course there's weightlifting and punching the bag in there too - I'll make a plan once I've shown that I can stick to 3x/wk for more than, say, one wk.

My other lofty goals for 2016 include:

  • Start fucking going to bed on time. I want to get up earlier in the mornings but (a) I am so lazy and (b) I tend to sulk about my life late at night and stay up until, say, 01:00 in a snit of because I can which doesn't work so well when you want to get up at 06:00. If I could get my arse in bed between 22:00-23:00 I could get up earlier and either get to work earlier (to leave earlier) or have some time in the morning just for me. Either one sounds better than the usual snooze-button-festival party-of-one I have going on in my bed for an hour and a half every goddamn morning. That's such a waste of time.
  • Half hour of chores every night. This is hard to keep up with because of fibro - some days I come home and crawl into bed and get up 4 hours later to eat a pop tart before returning to blankets. However, this leads to having to spend all of a weekend day catching up on chores that have slipped (dishes, laundry, mail/bills) which is equally exhausting. 30mins is reasonable on all but the worst evenings and should allow me to have more relaxing time on weekends, which is good for fibro.
  • Learn to chill about work. I will never not be platonically married to this place or this job, but getting stressed leads to high interaction costs leads to overstimulation leads to me being too exhausted to fucking blink. I'm already working to set this year up as an improvement - more support, more help, less projects overall - so I need to keep to that course.
  • Empty my life. I have too much going on, and too many things taking up space (physical and mental). It's time to clean it out.

More specific goals will have to wait until I have brains to deal with them.

seventhe: (SAZH)

What the fuck happened to 2015.

I feel like I can capture 2015 in three stages:

  • Jan-April, where my life was dominated by work; I was working (solo!, since it was confidential, rather than in the team of 8-10 the project should have had) on the engineering work to produce the first draft-stage of my new pilot plant
  • May-September, where my life was nothing but work: this was the site shutdown, which happened for some very serious reasons I won't blog about, in which I was given a strict budget and a strict deadline and told that if we didn't have the plant running by X our ability to, well, stay here in Akron as a place of employment would be severely hampered, and had to work a miracle with only one other co-project-leader and some contractors. Literally I did nothing but work during this time period, 60-80 hours per week maybe, evenings and weekends all morphed into additional office hours. Health suffered; house suffered; I drank a lot, picked up a life partner almost by accident, and in the end we saved the site. It's 20% of what it used to be and lumping along slowly on broken rims and superglue, but it's running.
  • October-December, during which I realized just how much my own health - physical, mental, spatial (my well-being is severely affected by the state of my own home), emotional - had suffered from the previous 9 months and started the long slow job of digging myself out of a black hole. Also, child care, as my second niece was born and both she and my two-year-old niece (and their parents) needed my help and love and time. Have you ever had a two-year-old as your best friend ever? It's quite nice, she's fucking hilarious.

2015 was also an odd year personally;

  • My grandmother passed away in August. She was the greatest. She was my best friend. I miss her so much. We all knew her health was failing - it had been for 5 years, acutely in the most recent year - but it's still a Hell of a Thing when someone goes. She and I had a special bond: she was what I will be like when I am 92; I was what she would have been like born into a different generation; as the sole grandparent and the sole single grandchild we spent most family gatherings together, and she was just my favorite. She was horribly tactless, incredibly impatient, occasionally directly rude, insatiably stubborn, very demanding, overbearing, sometimes overemotional: and I fucking loved her for it, because she was me in so many ways, and also because she just didn't give any more fucks. I'm still reeling from the loss.
  • As I said, my second niece was born late this year. In the process of helping out there I've become much closer to my first niece, and I like it; I love all my aunts, but wasn't ever really close to them in this way, and I've realized that I really do need to be in her life (their life). Family comes first. Our relationship is something special, because I'm not a parent or a grandparent, so I'm... exempt from a lot of the expectations there, so I just get to be whatever I want to her and with her. I'll do the same for the younger one as well. Realizing how important this is was surprising, but shouldn't have been. I'm quite keen on kids even if it seems cooler to hate them these days; they're more honest than adults and usually more fun. (What I hate, I'm finding, are shit parents, but that's neither here nor there.)
  • relationship - hmmmm. Not sure if the word applies. I have a something. It's complicated. And private. But there. Something very odd happened during the Shutdown Months and I found someone I quite like and enjoy who feels the same about me -- and that's enough for me, for right now.

Every year I say "this is the year I got my ass kicked by work" but this is the year it really truly happened: I hit my limit, I found the edge, I have located rock-bottom and I have absolutely no intention of ever going back there again. Working in a 72-year-old chemical facility doesn't make this easy, or a thing I have control over; but I do have control over my own energies and I have always been very. very good at saying no.

I'm looking at this year as a real learning experience: a lot of it was, frankly, awful as fuck, but I know I've learnt and grown from it. I like who I am right now, even if I'm still working on portions of my life that aren't great (social life, for example, what the fuck is that and who has time for one with all the working and the sleeping). I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that fibromyalgia, immunodeficiency, arthritis, asthma, anxiety, OCD, depression - that these things need to be considered, that I can't ignore them and plod stubbornly forward: so instead I'll stubbornly deal with them and balance my life better as I go.

That was a very, very odd year. I'm proud of what I've done, but I miss my life.


Dec. 9th, 2015 02:10 pm
seventhe: (Quistis/Rydia: Yeah I Ship It)
Anyone have suggestions for a decent, free/cheap, art software? with layers? that I can use with a laptop touchscreen or a tablet?

My brother and I have had an awfulmazing idea.


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