seventhe: (SAZH)

it's incredible how much my mental shitshow fog has calmed down, knowing that I am going to get a break this week. It's like my whole body is sighing in relief.

I came in today to finish up some stuff - leave the office in a decent state, so that I can come back to a decent state, and so that I have less to worry about while I am out. (It isn't much - it's like saying 99 is less than 100 - but it's less.)

I'm leaving work early today, and then I will be off until next Monday. I talked to my boss, and there's only one major thing I would be expected to work on if it comes through - it may not - and if that's the case it can be done for home and I won't lose the hours I spend on it. I talked to a couple other managers briefly about my health as well, not because it's their business but because I know gossip can fly, and I want them to know what's going on with me, in case it takes longer than expected. I'm covering my bases the best I can. This place doesn't need me to run in the short-term, but that doesn't mean it's easy to slip out of its clutches.

Last night I sat with a glass of wine and tried to make some plans for this microsabbatical. I realize that the goal is to de-stress and Curaga the burnout, but part of that involves doing things I've been wanting to do for a while, doing things that will make me happy. So I made a list of everything I wanted to do around the house so that I could cherry-pick the most satisfactory of those tasks and make sure I was armed and ready to defeat them. (It ended up being a matrix. Color-coded. Multiple pages. Engineering to-do lists are so grand.)

I also laid out some of my hobby-work in the hopes of sparking some creativity. I find that creative motivation is one of the first things to go when I'm overworking (hence, the extreme lack of words in the past two years), and I'd like to find a way to make creative expression more sustainable because I think it could be a good counterbalance. I laid out some knitting patterns, dug out some beads, and eyeballed the laptop that has the lesbian werewolves in space on it.

This way I have an approach that can be active, rather than passive. Even though it seems like all I do is sleep these days, I know I won't go back feeling any different if I just sit on my couch. I want to have some things mixed in with all the relaxing. Having said that now, I have guaranteed I will sleep for 42 hours straight.

I'm not going to say my brain feels anything like good right now, but it feels better than it has in a long time knowing that I will have a couple breaths of space in my hands very soon.

seventhe: (Rosa/Rydia: duality)
  • Apparently my new sleeping pills work so well that this week I've managed to pull my flat sheet out of the bed/mattress entirely; it sort of flops out from under my blanket and comforter (neither of which I need in Ohio's quest to become Louisiana) like a sad detached piece of fabric, drooping towards the floor and doing me absolutely no good at all. I am not complaining; I am not sure I have ever slept this well in my life. Is this how everyone sleeps? I am so envious - and so happy to be getting there via drug :D

  • My first three days in the new job have been... incredible. I mean that in a good way and a bad way. Each day has actually been packed with the feeling of being productive: being useful, being effective, being efficient; I'm already making small changes and contributing to things in a way I think we've needed for a very long time. I love that part. That being said: I've already got two HR issues - one being one of my guys; one being someone not technically under me but as it relates to something I need to sign off on, it's also mine - and I've spent the past three days literally not having more than 15 mins uninterrupted at my desk (in my new! office!!!!!!) between phone calls and visitors and meetings, oh god the meetings, and shit I have to take care of and deal with and uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
    I get the feeling that this job will be much more exhausting and much more fulfilling than my old job. Thank the lord I have sleeping pills. I cannot imagine taking this shit on with insomnia.

  • I went to PT today and then went for a 30min run/walk at the gym. Spoiler alert: That is too much activity when your body ain't used to doing anything. My neck and back hurt from PT; my legs hurt from running and I am tired as hell. (my body is crying, druuuuuuuuuuuuuug me) I am so fucking goddamn out of shape. :( I love the fact that I can get in the pool and swim for 30 mins and get out of the pool raring for more, saying to myself, "You shouldn't overdo it, ~1300 yards in 30mins is a good workout, don't break yourself further, take it easy" -- and I cannot run more than, like, 5 mins without needing a walking break. I now run like an 80-year-old woman. Hello, I would like to return this body and upgrade to a newer model, please.

  • Have I mentioned I love my night pills? I love my night pills.

  • In the last ~month I have been both home and home on time less than 50% of the days: it's more like 33%. I am so sick of people. Next weekend I may lock myself in the basement and not come out.

  • Happy 4th of July, American yos. Enjoy some awesome fucking fireworks.
seventhe: (Life: stress out and die)
I am moved.

I am exhausted.

--this is a post that was supposed to go up yesterday but I had "one of those days" at work yesterday where people come down from Research to do things and I have to assist / chaperone (I am the highest-paid babysitter in the world some days) meaning I was on my feet manual labor from 7am-3pm minus lunch, which meant basically nothing else got done. I was so tired yesterday I had that grey ring of fuzz around my vision. Cool.

I am operating entirely out of my phone too because although I know where the computer is amidst the 31209487 boxes in my house, my dad packed up all my cords separately and neatly... somewhere in the third dimension apparently. Hopefully I will find them before it is August. This is a very helpful thing when you are running an exchange! >.>

I already love the house and being in the house. Even though my bedroom isn't ready and I won't have actually "moved in" to my own fucking room until this Sunday... I'm not entirely surprised to find that a partial but major source of all of the awful anxiety and depression I've been fighting lately is the should-be-familiar feeling of upcoming change, of not having an actual home, loss of foundation and safe place. Now that I've got that back, even though it's a fucking disaster world that doesn't look at all like "my place" and I'm not even in my own bed, I already feel more stable.

My everything hurts. Literally. The disc in my neck is sending spasming pain down my right shoulderblade; my lower back pinched nerve is sending electric shocks down my right ass cheek into my right hamstring like a glorified final boss. I have eleven bruises on my left leg, my knees hurt (???), I've gotten more headaches in the past three days than in the past entire year... I am apparently too fragile to move. good thing I will never do it again

I-- I swear I had more things to say but well this is what you get


edit: REPLYING TO COMMENTS VIA EMAIL IS FUCKING BOSS AS FUCK. DREAMWIDTH WINS
seventhe: (FFEX: Doink!)
I'm always surprised at how many hours there actually are in a day.

I really shouldn't be, because I've experienced this phenomenon once before, when I was still working my full-time long-day 40-hr-week job and also attending a 20-30-hr-week graduate lab class: if you literally spend every spare minute you have doing something, it's a lot of work. (And I mean it. Sometimes I see people posting, "I'm soooo busy~!" but if I've seen you posting 10K in fic in the last week, or reblogging tons of stuff on Tumblr, or otherwise hobbying-- maybe you're busy, but that isn't actually spending every legitimate moment you have on work-like things. I realize this makes me a judgmental ass and I'm sorry.)

But really, I'm still continually surprised at how much you can actually work in one day. Because I have basically spent every free hour I have had in the last 7 days helping to basically remodel a basement which is my responsibility to fix. I don't even have time to tell you everything handyman that I've done. But I'm just still for whatever reason surprised at how BUSY you can actually get. When you come home from work at 6:15 and change and eat and then drive up to the house at 7:00 and work until 11:00 and then come home and make a lunch and do the dishes and go to bed at 12 and get up at 6:30 and go to work at 7:30 and then do it all over again, for an entire week? I mean it, there is busy and then there is, "life sat on me." They aren't even really in the same order of magnitude.

Had I known the level of fucked this problem was, I wouldn't have started it now. But you don't know what's under the carpet until you pull up the carpet.

I thought I was busy before. Turns out, there were plenty of hours in my day that could be filled up with things that make me miserable.

I am stressed as fuck, I have gotten absolutely nothing done this week, my exchange ends this weekend, I am leaving tomorrow afternoon and I have not yet finished packing. This week has been just awful.

Some day I will turn this experience into a "Handyman How-To" post because I've actually learned a lot of fun shit. Today is not that day.

- - -

I just printed out all my itineraries and reservations and flight info and blah blah and it's basically a short novel, I've killed a tree doing it, it weighs more than my laptop, etc etc.

This trip-- I am not even looking forward to it. i'll be honest. Work is so awful right now, and there are a bunch of due dates WHILE I AM GONE, so I have to work ON my trip, and just. ugh ugh ugh first world problems etc but.

I carry my stress in my shoulders and neck, and I nearly can't drive a car right now. I am pretty sure my back is about to leave me for another woman.

Whirlwind tour of the US is as follows:
- to Boise this weekend for my cousin's wedding
- fly to Vegas Mon with family, night in Vegas
- drive to Grand Canyon Tues, two nights in GC
-- work due Wednesday, have to work Mon and Tues to submit Wed
- return to Vegas on Thurs, night in Vegas
- Fri, fly directly to Houston, spend weekend weeping in a pillow fort
- Sun, pick up Japanese BFF at airport and head off to the plant
- Mon, tour of plant with guest
- Tues-Wed, work at the plant
-- work due Tues, will have to work the previous week to compile it
- Thurs, return home

- THE FOLLOWING MONDAY, submit a report of the work I did on the plant trip to the Overlords because
- THAT WEDNESDAY/THURSDAY, our biannual meeting with the Overlords begins

- probably every day forever: cry into beer, from stress and frustration

- date of freedom: 20 June
- 21 June: lose self in Diablo III for three consecutive days

I am trying for serenity now and I'm not sure I'll make it. OH GOOD. When can I give up on everything and be a crazy cat lady hermit hobo who never goes anywhere?

ON THE PLUS SIDE, I now have an app on my phone that can send a postcard photo from anywhere for $0.99, so if you want a really dumb postcard from Vegas or the Grand Canyon, email me your address.

ADDITIONALLY ON THE PLUS SIDE, I've written 4 Korra drabbles in the past few days. On my phone. While in meetings or otherwise working. Seeing as I haven't written a thing since December, this is cool.

I HAD ANOTHER PLUS but I have forgotten it so.
seventhe: (Rosa/Rydia: got your back)
  • ACen was last weekend ~! It was a combination of awesome (Rina, raspberries, goofy cosplay, HOT FFXIII COSPLAY, booze) and suck (Chicago traffic, you can go to hell and build a snowman *FIRES MISSILES EVERYWHERE*) and I was a little stressy about everything in LIFE, but it was a fun con and I would like to do it again, properly, meaning I piss on the 90/94 Expressway as I fly into O'Hare in a GD airplane. It was my first time at ACen and while we didn't get to see a TON of con, mostly due to Friday's traffic shenaniganry, what we did see was pretty awesome. Also, seriously, why are FFXIII cosplayers SO HOT?

  • The kittens are going home this weekend. Two of them today, two tomorrow. I am the weirdest combination of happy and sad right now - happy because they have great homes and get to go in pairs; sad because they have to be split up and taken from mommy. This wonky emotional rollercoaster isn't helping my stress any. Stress which, by the way, comes from bouncing between 2 homes and caring for 8 living creatures, taking up every single remaining hour of my day. YAY.

  • Work is being obscene. Our biannual meeting with the Japanese Overlords is next week and everything is up in the air like a thunderstorm which OH YEAH, ALSO KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

  • What else? Do I have anything else going on in my life other than stress and kittens? Someone remind me. :(
seventhe: (Fandom: Hell Bus)
midnight the day before it's due: 2 weeks, 12 pages, 2573 words, 4 tables and 2 charts, 5 independent error analyses and a bunch of google searches later, I am done with the first lab report.

The first one. The easiest one. The shortest one.

*tiniest celebration ever*
seventhe: (Internet)
After last weekend, I was determined to get me some things done! I was ready to go, planning out multiple weekends, factoring in family birthdays and prior commitments and school/homework and Big Bang projects that have sort of whirled out of control and balancing it all with moving, and then--

Monday morning I woke up with a stomach-ache. Not a big deal, I thought.

By the time I got to work it was so painful I couldn't move, couldn't sit, couldn't stand. And it wasn't just a stomach-ache like usual: it was accompanied by painful stabbing, fever sweats/chills, and definite nausea. My lower abdomen was painful to touch or press on, like a bruise.

I went to lie down in the backseat of my car and, after half an hour of absolute agony, called my doctor and pleaded for an appointment. The drive there was abysmally painful. I actually had to lie down in the waiting room because I was in so much pain.

The doctor looked me over and said he was pretty worried. I went in to give them a sample for a urine test, and apparently the trip from the bathroom back to my little examination room was too much. When I got back, I threw up all over the place - or it felt like all over the place; when I was done I noticed it was "mostly" in the sink.

The doctor immediately went, "Oh! You 'just' have a stomach bug! Okay!" and I walked out feeling irrationally better (I HATE how puking makes you feel better. It is somehow ridiculously unfair) with a script for some anti-nausea meds and orders to eat nothing but toast.

SO here it is, Tuesday, and I'm missing class again (already twice this semester, I am awesome) and I've missed another two days of work for this and of course I can't even feel bad yet because I am too busy feeling like shit and -- hahahaha, there goes all my motivation into lying in bed with kittens and feeling abysmally sorry for myself.

"A life in ruins with vomiting," indeed, Miles Vorkosigan.



I'm firing my immune system. I assume no one wants it, but it'll be up for grabs as soon as I figure out how to replace it with antifreeze.
seventhe: (FFEX: Doink!)
We made it to Wisconsin to see my grandfather. I am so glad we went when we did; it was a blessing to see him when he could still recognize us and talk a little bit. The weekend as a whole was stressful and depressing and sad, but I'm not going to let that take away the good of what we did, which was going to see him one last time when there was still enough there to know us. They do not think he has a lot of time left. I really don't want to get into the rest of it right now.

Which leaves me three days of work this week, two nights of frantic costume-detail, and then Otakon. I know that Otakon/cosplay's an event/hobby I choose, which limits my 'right' to complain about it; it's just somewhat poor timing right now. I can't wait to get there, to see everybody, to have a bit of distraction - I really need this trip. Don't get me wrong. If I could go now, I would.

I'm just... oh, hey, emotional rock bottom: so this is what you look like. And I thought January was bad.

Anyway! I'm doing alright, all things considered, I guess. I won't be around for a while, although you can always get me through email. ♥

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