Well, last night's exam actually went well. I am sure those of you who have been following this journal have been waiting for me to say those words for something like eighteen years now
, after semester upon semester of "I fail!" and "School sucks!" and "Wow, Polymer Science makes me want to shoot myself in the foot and
It's amazing to me how much more comfortable I am with Chemical Engineering, even going on 5 years after my undergrad degree (*waves "old" flag*), especially comparing with Polymer Science: the professors are still quirky moronic asshats, but I understand
them and the assignments and the material so much better. I feel like I'm learning
again; Polymer Science so far has been a few safe islands of actual learning in a sea of memorization and half-assed faking my way through exams (and angry nasty emails to professors and being blacklisted and having to fight my way tooth and claw through their part-timer prejudice). This has just been a single chem.-E class, but it's already better than the 10 PolySci classes I have under my belt.
Although - I do feel like I'm better at my job with more polymer-based knowledge, so I do not think it was a waste
I think I'm just a natural engineer.
Either that, or one department is just nicer than the other. ;)
It throws the future into an interesting light. Do I cram next semester and actually finish all my classwork
by May 2010? I don't think you guys understand how tempting that sentence really is to me. I have been at this since 2007. It would be nice to be done. And after that, what? My
boss still wants me to go for a Ph.D. I am more tempted now that I've felt the joy of homecoming in the chemical engineering department. Do I go back to Chem-E? Do I go back at all?
It has been an interesting month or so here in SevLand. I feel like – it feels like I've been treading water, running in place, fighting my ass off just to stay where I am and survive. It isn't just school, and it isn't just work – it's life: an overwhelming feeling of drudgery, of being stuck in one place, of stagnation, of is this really what I want?
and is this really where I want to be?
But in the past little bit it's like something has… started isn't the right word: changed. Something's moving; the earth is shaking, the water's starting to flow. Analogies fail me, but maybe it's just a realization that things don't ever have to be any particular way; choices are everywhere. Funny how I give this advice to lots of people and yet don't realize it myself: isn't that what life is all about. Clearly I am a professional! AT MY OWN LIFE.
I wrote something a little while ago about dream-chasing, and me, and I didn't post it because it felt too much like a flagging of my own privilege: look at me, with a stable job and income and life, complaining about not having dreams
of all things as if that even matters beyond some cosmic bullshittery. But I watch friends of mine talk about their dreams and goals and go after them like fucking champions,
and it made me realize that right now I don't have dreams, I don't have goals, all I have is the steady even keel of a stabilized life. Except grad school, yes, but I don't even want this degree for any noble reason, I want it so that I can continue to work in research for the rest of my life, so that I can get myself up to the pay-scale and respect-level that I deserve
for the job I do but am not given because of the lack of a single piece of paper; it's not really a dream anymore, not after all of the blood and sweat and tears (I have cried more over school than over anything else in my life, including men and
pets) and angst and agony and asshattery. I had lots of things I wanted to do once upon a time but somewhere in the house payments and the grocery shopping and the homework they can get lost.
I'd said, I'm not sure if this is a good thing, because it means I have realized all my dreams already; or a bad thing, because my dreams were so little and pithy as to be easily attainable; or a very bad thing, because I didn't really have any dreams at all.
- Apparently one good test makes you introspective, insightful, and hella whiny/emo
- I bit my tongue really badly on Tuesday while eating a carrot and now there is a numb nub on the tip of my tongue that tastes like mint. Did I fuck up a taste bud or something? We're talking bad, like there was blood everywhere and I had to go hide in the bathroom bad (I am such a hobo)
- I've already skipped a day of Daily Photo. Name something I have to take a photo of as punishment!