some good moments from the day: apparently all 4 kids have decided that Big Mom is the greatest thing in the world to climb on and romp on. I'm covered in tiny little claw scratches - today, we introduced the concept of claw-clipping - but i CAN say that Potato sat on my shoulders for a good deal of the morning. I open the door and get flooded by tiny bodies fighting over who reins the magical Land of Lap. i finally got mama enough food that she isn't scarfing down everything she gets (this will, unfortunately, be a fact of life days i'm near work, until i can convince her that dry food is in fact tasty and will be okay to nom). Mama comes out to greet me and purrs when i pet her.
i am desperately in love with all 5 of them, and i already know that this separation is going to be really, really hard. i've fallen for two of them already, hard, but today the other two really worked on my heart, and of course a not-so-secret part of me is hoping Mama shapes up to be a merge-able friend to my existing family -- but as always i keep telling myself that fostering is to make other families happy and that taking a foster needs to remain a last-resort option in my back pocket for true emergency situations. my cousin today asked about them on facebook and i think my heart broke thinking of not being able to keep them.
i had low-key anxiety all day; i woke up exhausted, 3 hours of sleep according to my Fitbit, had a dr appt this morning, just a "check up" which ended up being generally useless AFTER being late because the power was out in the entire area, so i was later than expected to work and never pulled myself out of the hole; the latter half of my day was full of anxiety that someone would shock themselves or swallow too much litter or make it out the door of god knows what, and i couldn't get home fast enough ALTHOUGH i HAD to stop for more supplies to keep this crowd going.
also not helping the fact is that i'm still crying about Marzy - around every 2-3 days, something will strike me, and i am suddenly Not Okay again in tears on the floor. (i've built a tiny - shrine makes me sound crazy; it's a little memorial area, with the three cards from his vets (that made me cry again) and his ashes and the bit of fur they saved for me and some flowers and an offering bowl of water, of course, with a hairband in it, because he was an asshole.) these cats are in no way a replacement for him, but it's like a double-whammy-gone-bad: i feel like i'm desperately trying to plug something in the hole, except it's more obvious now that nothing is ever going to fill that hole and all i can do is wait for time to smooth out the jagged edges.
i'm starting to realize that this isn't all about the loss of a piece of my heart, and that it's more about the desperate cry for help of someone who's at the end of her rope and has been for a while and is compiling issues on issues because she has the emotional range of a tree stump
ANYWAY, let me see if i can upload some photos, and you all can meet the kittens, enough with this sobbing ass bullshit