seventhe: (SAZH)

it's incredible how much my mental shitshow fog has calmed down, knowing that I am going to get a break this week. It's like my whole body is sighing in relief.

I came in today to finish up some stuff - leave the office in a decent state, so that I can come back to a decent state, and so that I have less to worry about while I am out. (It isn't much - it's like saying 99 is less than 100 - but it's less.)

I'm leaving work early today, and then I will be off until next Monday. I talked to my boss, and there's only one major thing I would be expected to work on if it comes through - it may not - and if that's the case it can be done for home and I won't lose the hours I spend on it. I talked to a couple other managers briefly about my health as well, not because it's their business but because I know gossip can fly, and I want them to know what's going on with me, in case it takes longer than expected. I'm covering my bases the best I can. This place doesn't need me to run in the short-term, but that doesn't mean it's easy to slip out of its clutches.

Last night I sat with a glass of wine and tried to make some plans for this microsabbatical. I realize that the goal is to de-stress and Curaga the burnout, but part of that involves doing things I've been wanting to do for a while, doing things that will make me happy. So I made a list of everything I wanted to do around the house so that I could cherry-pick the most satisfactory of those tasks and make sure I was armed and ready to defeat them. (It ended up being a matrix. Color-coded. Multiple pages. Engineering to-do lists are so grand.)

I also laid out some of my hobby-work in the hopes of sparking some creativity. I find that creative motivation is one of the first things to go when I'm overworking (hence, the extreme lack of words in the past two years), and I'd like to find a way to make creative expression more sustainable because I think it could be a good counterbalance. I laid out some knitting patterns, dug out some beads, and eyeballed the laptop that has the lesbian werewolves in space on it.

This way I have an approach that can be active, rather than passive. Even though it seems like all I do is sleep these days, I know I won't go back feeling any different if I just sit on my couch. I want to have some things mixed in with all the relaxing. Having said that now, I have guaranteed I will sleep for 42 hours straight.

I'm not going to say my brain feels anything like good right now, but it feels better than it has in a long time knowing that I will have a couple breaths of space in my hands very soon.

seventhe: (chocobo: hey bb)
I come home from work every day with the intention of working more. I realize this sounds dangerously pathetic or pathetically dangerous - choose one! - but it's the way I get myself out the door: go home, just bring this one thing, NOT EVERYTHING, just this one thing; working from home is much more comfortable and productive than being in the office anyway, you can have no pants on and cats get in your lap and there is always wine and music and more comfortable chairs and your wife the hot pad! don't you love your wife? DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE SEVENTHE DON'T YOU

it's a fine compromise that I am actually more than willing to make: the workload never stops, but it's much nicer working from home, PLUS it's much nicer to come home and be able to focus and do a much better job on something. it's nice to come home to an hour of catching up on email, or 45 minutes of pulling data into a report: I don't work all night; it's just small individual tasks I can get done in a low-key and helpful way.

But lately. BUT LATELY: lately, I come home and my brain just won't focus on the work. I have this report about all of the kerfuddlefuckery that has taken my plant down for four weeks already that the CEO asked me to write and I am all yes sir please let me hand-deliver this horrible news to your office, shall I seal it in my blood now or later like I actually do want to write this report and show what we are doing, what we are fixing, what we are facing - what the dumb godsbefucked people before me left to us, what I have sacrificed the last fucking six weeks to defeating which is like running a thousand goddamn marathons all at once on three hours of shitty sleep because I have been up at night worrying about my plant and my people because everything is goddamn fucked right now and -- and anyway, I want to write this report. But I get home and I open it and my brain gives this long-ass, horrible groan-sigh noise just like : reeeeeeeally, Sev, we are going to do this?

I am not going that way. No.


I'm trying, I want to, I'm in a comfy chair with the laptop on my lap right now. Come on, fucker. I just need an hour of your energy and we'll be ok.
seventhe: (Ohayo: CREEPERSHARK)
As of tomorrow evening I will be drunk at Ohayocon. My itinerary includes:
  • Battleshots

  • FF Roller Derby Rydia, part of the Zeromus Haters roller derby team

  • being drunk

  • (drunk) (gay stylist) (spaghetti making) Trowa, from Gundam Wing

  • gluing sparkly shit on everyone who stands still long enough to let me

  • getting to curl Becky's hair :D

  • possibly seducing Quatre's voice actor with Katy

  • drinking an entire beer penis

  • a round of Snirvines (this year's shot)

  • Mongolian Fucking Barbecue

  • cuddling

  • lots of compromising photos posted to our live photo feed

  • creepersharking

  • HOPEFULLY partying with Hot Leia and Hot Tifa and Hot Cloud and Hard Gay



I'll have my phone for email and texts, but I will very likely be drunk or sleeping, so. Contact at your own risk, fools. Otherwise, I will get back to all of you on Monday when I am hung the fuck over sober and back at work.

CHEERS :D
seventhe: (Rosa/Rydia: got your back)
Medical talk about my eyes, ahoy! Skip if you need; otherwise please give me some GD advice.

Yesterday I went in for an evaluation with Dr D, in consideration for laser surgery (LASIK or PRK). I went through the barrage of tests - and I am serious, barrage; my appointment was at 9 and I didn't actually see Dr D until 10:30 - and got my eyes dilated (spoiler, if you've never had it done: it sucks. Your long-distance vision isn't so bad, but anything closer than 10 feet is all out of whack, you have NO depth perception and can't read anything, including your own phone, trying to look at your fingers gives you a headache, and oh also all light is now a minion of hell itself). I sat there for a bit while Dr D looked at my charts and looked in my eyes a little bit and HMMed.

There was a lot of HMMing. He talked to the [nurse? assistant? secretary? i dunno, they'd taken my glasses so I couldn't even tell you what color hair this person had] for a while and flipped through some charts. He talks to me a little bit as he looks into my eyes, and then he asks the assistant-person to go and get [a new doctor, who is training with him]. "She should see this consult," he says, and basically explains that my eyes are so bad it will be a good learning experience for his new trainee doctor. Ugh. So I sit and blink into space while she arrives, and then they finally give me my glasses back, and there is some more HMMing.

And then he says, "No, you're not a candidate for PRK at all."

Okay, I say, slowly. But the other doctor told me I wasn't a candidate for custom LASIK either because my eyes were so bad, and said PRK would be better.

Technically, says, Dr D, PRK is better -- up to a point. But on a patient like you? On a patient with -11 myop? If we did PRK on you, you'd have halos and floaters for the rest of your life, you'd never fully recover from it. We'd have to take off too much, it's coming way too close, and even if it fixes your vision you're going to lose all your night vision and your sensitivity. I don't like it. I've done 37,000 surgeries, and I'm not going to do PRK on you.

Please note at that point that my eyes are actually too bad for both custom LASIK and PRK. I win?

But, says Dr D. That doesn't mean you don't have options. You have two options, and I want you to listen carefully, because one isn't what you're going to expect.

My first option is standard LASIK, the LASIK they did back in the 90s before it all became super automated plug-and-play - that's custom LASIK, and I can't have that. The thing is, says Dr D, custom LASIK and standard LASIK both operate taking a certain thickness of your cornea per myop of your eyesight. Custom takes a little more, standard a little less. For somebody who is a -3, the difference is maybe 15 microns? Not a lot. For someone who is a -11, the difference is more like 100 microns -- which is what rules out custom LASIK. My corneas aren't thick enough to handle the amount of correction my myopic script needs.

Standard LASIK, however, where Dr D would do it himself, is still an option. It's a little... not great of an option, though. He'd be pushing the LASIK to its limits, and if my eyes started to change as I aged, we wouldn't have a lot of options, because I wouldn't have a lot of cornea left to work with. I could do it, he says, I've done hundreds of patients with eyes just like that and it works fine. But I'm not thrilled by it.

Your other option, says Dr D, is an implantable contact lens.

Basically they make a biocompatible contact lens to my prescription and then surgically stick it in my eye, below my cornea but above my iris. And it stays there. The procedure is meant to be permanent but is technically reversible - if there are complications or changes, they can remove the lens and replace it, OR I'm only left with a couple tiny microscopic holes in my eye and glasses. It isn't permanent, like LASIK.

Of course it's more expensive - about $1K more per eye - and it's terrifying (does this make me a cyborg???). But the healing process is way better than PRK's 2-3 weeks / 6 months, and there are a lot of benefits.

The biggest benefit here, says Dr D, is that we can easily correct you -- this procedure can correct up to a -20 -- easily and permanently, and completely, to 20/20 or maybe better. And then, if your eyes change as you age... he says, let's say that as you age to 45, your eyes start to change and suddenly you're a -1.5. We could pull out your implant and give you a new one, but that's pretty intense - what we would do is just LASIK your eyes to fix the -1.5. You've got plenty of good cornea for a -1.5, and we could have you fixed up in 15 minutes.

He stops for a second, and then he says to me. [Sev.] If you were my daughter, almost 30 - actually, I have a kid who is 27, and if you were my kid, and I was going to be working on your eyes, and your eyes had this prescription and this thickness, what I would give you is an implantable contact lens.

He says, if you come to me and you say, I really do want LASIK, I will do it and I think you'll be happy with it. But if you're here for an eval, for my advice and my opinion, I think you should get implantable contacts.

So now I really do have a choice to make.

Here's the thing. I'm not going to pretend that money isn't an important factor here; it isn't like I can just casually plunk down these thousands of dollars without blinking (pun... maybe intended?), because I can't: even with my good paycheck I can't just throw around chunks of money that large. It's a big deal. However. I do not want to make this serious decision about my eyes and about my quality of daily life based on money. I want to choose what's actually best, and then make the money work around that. I don't want to get to be 50, 60, and be frustrated because I chose something for my eyes to save $2grand. I want to make the right choice for myself and my eyes, so I am trying to not consider the increased cost. My eyes are worth it.

Here's the other thing. I had been trying to decide, going into this eval, whether or not I actually wanted to do this -- this being, doing anything to correct my eyes. And... okay, I'm pretty incapable of making decisions, but I had pretty much decided that... I want this. I want to do this. I want to do something to get rid of this physical disability that bothers me every day of my life. I want to fix this. I'm a pretty conservative person and I don't take a lot of risks especially with my body, but... I thought about it, and I thought, you know what? The bulk of my best adult years have already fucking flown by; I've spent my entire 20s going to school and working to support my own ass and it's been fun but they're almost gone. Going into my 30s... I could do this, do something to make my quality of living so much better. We already have to do so much, give so much up at 20, at 30, to "save up" for when we're 60. Doing something for myself, for now, was attractive in a very solid way.

But now I've got two choices - no, three choices, really. I can spend the extra money and follow the doctor's advice and get an implanted lens. I can choose to get LASIK. Or I can choose to do nothing and stick with my glasses.

(On an unrelated side note, I have... apparently really been looking forward to the 2-3 weeks I would have to take off of work for the PRK surgery. Because one of the most depressing things about all of this is that I don't get that break. what does that say about my life? I don't think it's healthy.)

So that's that. And that's what's on my mind now.
seventhe: (Fandom: Hell Bus)
midnight the day before it's due: 2 weeks, 12 pages, 2573 words, 4 tables and 2 charts, 5 independent error analyses and a bunch of google searches later, I am done with the first lab report.

The first one. The easiest one. The shortest one.

*tiniest celebration ever*

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Page generated Sep. 20th, 2017 03:50 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags