thought of the day

[seventhe]

For the record, I'm trying to post more; I've got a lot on my mind recently, and I've got a journal for a reason. I'm also trying to reply to comments more, which is something I'm bad at - I mostly reply via phone-Gmail*, at work, and it can be hard to keep up with. But anyway, I'm trying to post more consistently. For fun. And profit.

One of the things that has been dwelling on my mind lately is ... Well. I work hard. For the past 5 years I've been working doubletime, putting in 40 hours a week of a job and then grad school on top of that, plus I fill up the rest of my time with shit: running, races, taking care of people, bands, practices, exchanges, writing, commitments, hobbies, cons, cosplay, and an exhausting social life. As much as I joke about being a lazy fuck I'm not really sure I know how to 'take it easy' for more than a day or two; I just do stuff, I tend to do stuff, and I end up being busy by default. My job is both hard and a lot of work (they aren't always the same thing), and grad school is the same -- and even if the other things aren't 'work' and aren't 'necessary', they're still commitments, and they aren't 'taking it easy' either.

Nobody should be surprised to hear that I still feel burnt out, this year; my constant chorus of I'm exhausted should be familiar by now. I've been burning this candle at every available end for years. But I have this awful dichotomy warring in my brain about "deserving a break", and it's getting confusing.

What do you have to do to 'deserve' a break? I'll look at my shit some days and be like, gurl, all you did today was work your usual 11 hour day. You don't deserve a night off. You still have to run, and then cook, and then clean up at least half of it, and fold the laundry. Or I'll look at my week and be like, All you did was work and run and the usual chores. You didn't do anything extraordinary. You don't deserve a break. You still have shit to do! And I'll fill up my hours and my days with that to-do list that doesn't end.

And then on other days I will get to the point where I am like christ in a chevy, I am exhausted and I deserve a break and I am taking one so fuck the world, and I'll do something like drink an entire bottle of wine alone in my apartment while drunk-texting everyone I know and reading horrible fanfiction, or I'll spend an entire day knitting while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or I'll skip working out for an entire week and just lie on the floor instead. And I don't really feel all that much better or feel relaxed; I feel like a giant waste of space because that's what I was. It's a little better, but it's a useless better. Like I feel like I'm entitled to deliberately spend a day doing things that don't mean shit just to prove that I can, because I can, because I am stubborn and want to waste time like everybody else does and no one can tell me I can't, especially myself.

It's like I don't know how to moderate. It's either all or nothing. And thinking back I actually don't even think it's that bad in reality, but my perception of it is: in my head it feels like all or nothing, on or off. I don't know how to hit a happy medium and realize it; I don't know how to feel like I'm compromising. If it isn't all or nothing, my brain makes it so.

And underneath all of that is the fact that I've been working for basically over 15 years straight now, and yet I still feel like I don't 'deserve' a really big break until I finish my fucking graduate degree.

But I think about all the shit that I want to do - I would like to write some fucking novels; I would like to (re)learn to draw; I would like to take more pictures; I would like to actually travel - and first I go, okay, let's do(u) it and then I go, oh god, more things, when do I get a break?

So that's what's on my mind. I need a better system to deal with both relaxing and getting my shit done. Blah blah blah whine more.


*I'm only moderately content with Gmail's iPhone app. It's decent, but not ideal. And I moderately dislike Apple's/iPhone's default email interface. Any iPhone users who use a different mail app that they adore?

Comments

[temples]

Drunk texts sound awesome.

Maybe try making regular lists? Maybe not during a work day, but on a weekend or a day off - "If I accomplish X, Y, and Z, then I can do whatever I want for the rest of the day!" That's what I usually do, and it helps me not feel like a lazy lump! Or set a deadline for yourself? I do this during school months; no matter what is going on, I stop studying/reading/writing/researching by 11pm. Unless I have a final or something urgent. Then I just freak out and study for twelve hours. :D

[ambersweet]

You're a distance runner.

So. You're a distance runner, and life is a marathon. Your training regimen has largely been "sprint all-out until you physically can't run any more, then lie on the pavement for five minutes and do it again." Obviously, as an actual runner, you know that's not going to work. You have to jog. You have to walk here and there. You have to take actual days off, to give your knees a chance to recuperate. It's not only okay, it's vital, or you will end up hurting yourself and having to take an entire season (or longer) off to recuperate from injury.

It's possible, at this point, that what you really need to do is take a season off to let your body recover from what you've been doing to it - but unfortunately life doesn't really come with breaks once you enter the working world, and a vacation isn't going to be long enough to let you recover.

So how do you deal with being a hyperactive overachiever and stay sane?

1. Schedule downtime. If you do NOTHING ELSE, do this. Book two hours three times a week, plus at least one weekend day a month, to sit on your couch and drool. If you're feeling REALLY ambitious, you can pick up your controller or your knitting, but the most basic activity should be nothing more complicated than couch + drool. Put it in your planner. It's an appointment with yourself, and it's every bit as important as the appointments you have with your boss. As you recover, you may be able to adjust that downtime around, but BARE MINIMUM, two hours, three times a week and one weekend day a month. Resist the urge to do anything that requires thought or concentration - you ARE doing something. What you are doing is CATCHING YOUR BREATH and letting your body recover. (I bet this will also help your running; booking time in to let your body do nothing will also be good for it.)

2. Prioritize. You've been working on that with your boss, and your work life has improved immeasurably! Do it at home, too. Fuck folding the laundry. The floor doesn't need to be mopped that often, really. Whatever - prioritize your chores. Let your standards slide a little. Prioritize your activities, too, and allow yourself to drop some or set up a rotation. This month: no [whatever]. Do x instead. Next month, you can do some whatever and stop doing x.

3. Get help. I get the impression that you have a job that pays really well - have you thought about hiring someone else to fold your laundry? How about mopping your kitchen floor, or doing your dishes? Use your prosperity to help someone else! Find a laundry service - my buddy in Chicago found one that picks up and delivers, even. Hire a maid to come in a couple of times a week.

I had more thoughts! But I, um, have to go to work. XD So. tl;dr IT'S OKAY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

[novel_machinist]

I agree with temples. It sounds UTTERLY CRAZY, but scheduling breaks is something I've done and now that my social life is picking up, I really do have to look at my datebook and go "No, I have to do X"

I'll shoot you a text about it, cause well PERSONAL STUFF. ;)

[crankyoldman]

We may need to work on saying 'no', as well as all the great things that have been said above.

[flecksofpoppy]

One thing I find helpful is the idea, that you don't "deserve" a day to do nothing (as in, NOTHING... no work, no "fun" stuff, no plans...NO PLANS BEING THE KEY THING THERE, THAT REMAINS AS A "NO PLANS" DAY)... you are entitled to it. And the world won't end if you plunk yourself down once in a while and say, "Today, NOTHING. As in PURELY, TRULY, 100% NOTHING BUT ME, MYSELF, AND TUMBLR."

Of course, this doesn't address the more nuanced, day-to-day management of time. I mean, I don't know if this is helpful, but I used to be a mad busy person. Back in college and after (excluding grad school, because HOLY SHIT I can't even imagine), but just in general...it was like, "OKAY...VOLUNTEER FOR THIS CULTURAL ORG, PARTICIPATE IN THIS ACTIVITY, DO ALUMNI STUFF, WORK FULL TIME, WORK TWO JOBS, _insert insanity here_." College was the same way...I was crazy busy by choice, between running stuff for collegiate activities, double majoring, overloading on credits every semester...IT JUST GOT TO THE POINT OF SICKNESS. So that's all the last ten years or so...

And then. This year. I was like, "fuck this." I dropped all of it. I just couldn't do it anymore. I want my head space. I want to be able to come home and fucking write if I want to. I want to be left alone. I don't WANT to drag my ass down to _wherever I've committed it_ instead of just fucking going home and writing SOME GAY PORN. Or doing other productive things.

So mainly, I can't speak for obligations that you don't have a choice about -- grad school, long work days, and things of that nature -- but as far as getting super involved in everything... it is like, so okay to DROP IT and take a year (or more) to just TAKE A GODDAMN BREATH, and it doesn't mean you're a failure. Well, I don't know if that's your concern or even on your radar, but that's how I felt... Like, "If I don't "DO THIS SHIT" I am a failure; I need to be productive and assertive because I know am capable, and otherwise I'm wasting time! DO THINGS ALL THE TIME."

I'll probably pick my craziness back up again one day; I'm a competitive driven person who likes to get shit done and has lots of ideas. But for real...holy shit, sometimes you just have to STOP (if you have the choice). And it's perfectly alright to do so, because really, the only person you're racing against is yourself. You don't have to be perfect, or an overachiever, or the best. You are perfectly entitled to sit on your damn ass, stare into space, write a few lines of something, and then stare into space some more. It's your life, and I think it's important to ask a lot, "Is this making me happy?" (Within reason obviously... it's like... "I don't like grad school, but I'm doing because it will get me to This Other Place That Will Make Me Happy Somehow... there are trade offs and caveats of course, but that bottom line... "Does it make me happy? Is it worth it, in the time I have on earth, to dedicate my time and energy to This Thing?" is just one of those fundamental, compass-resetting questions.)

Again, don't know if this is helpful or hits any nails on the head, but that's how I relate. XD Hope you figure it out.