the trick is to keep breathing

yes i also hate that i posted to tumblr first rather than DW, but i needed to embed the image easily, so that's where i went dont shoot me

word count update is here!

yes: I'm behind my GYWO target. Behind by about 25,000 words going into june. for someone who writes the way i did last year, this isn't too concerning yet, especially because i have two new projects i'm excited about and a bunch of year-old comms i want to dig into for motivation. but like ... like you'll see on the post. life has been A Thing. it's been too much of A Thing. I give up.

also realizing its already june has been a punch to the gut; my brain still thinks it's, like, april. somehow. halfway through the year and i've made no significant progress on either of my two goals for 2021: finishing my first original novel and getting back into shape. i don't know why the turning of the calendar hits like this - i'm of the opinion that the best time to start a project is right now - but if it motivates, i'm going to use it.

i mean, i've been cancelling my two standard weekly original fiction dates lately because i am either overworked or too exhausted, so i only have me to blame, but then again gestures at tumblr post That's A Thing.

anyway im overworked and tired and mad and slowly going crazy, how are yall

(EDITED) to say that every single tag on this post is accurate but while going through my tags i found this and im fucking howling why am i like this

ever since the beginning of this year when i made it one of my goals to get better and more prolific with art, i've been really, really having to reevaluate my approach. overall i think i've made some pretty significant progress with art, and i need to tell myself that, because part of it is just still disappointing to me.

what i want to be able to do with art is sit down and draw something that's in my head and have it come out more or less like what i want. it doesn't have to be total realism -- i'm sure i'll have a style. it doesn't have to be neat - my art is messy by default. but i want to be able to, like, draw a comic panel or something, in a reasonable amount of time. mostly, it's drawing people that i want.

yeah, im nowhere near that.

my FIRST big adjustment this year was finally getting through my own head that using references isn't "cheating." once i got established in my little corner of the good omens fandom and talked to more and more artists, i finally got it through my brain - and i mean this has been years in my brain rent-free - that using references is something a lot of artists do. some of them will even trace a generic pose before going on to make it their own. this is what has substantially improved my art - FUCKING SURPRISE, SURPRISE - because as it turns out, i can draw nearly anything with a reference, and draw it rather well -- or, well enough to satisfy my internal monologue.

but i know not all artists have to look up 4-5 references and mash them all together if they want to make a piece of art? and i know a lot of artists can sit down and do a doodle that looks great in like a half hour with no refs at all? and that's what i want to be able to do, because sometimes, looking for a reference that fits perfectly is exhausting - takes as long as the art lol - and even then there's something about it that doesn't always feel "yours."

the thing is that for me, art takes time, and whine delayed gratification is haaaaard. but i think i have to get it through my head that at the stage i'm in, art is going to take time. if i could work on one piece a week i could probably put out some pretty good stuff, but my brain is still like "we sit down every night and draw A Thing and then judge it" and like .... jklsdhgksjllgk im not sure what i'm trying to say here. lkashflksahgsdhklg coming out wrong.

i think this is the point on that learning-scale graph where you're in the plateau that you can see what's good and what's wrong about your art (and others' art, which is surprising!) but you aren't good enough to get there. which of course means practice, but it's really hard to practice when you're absolutely failing at your actual goal, which is to sketch (let me reiterate - PEOPLE) reasonably well without a reference.

so i think my SECOND art adjustment of 2021 has to be learning that a lot of good art takes a lot of time, even for 'real' artists, and i should allow myself that time when i'm trying to create things of a certain standard -- and also to learn that the more i draw FROM references, the better i will get at being able to draw WITHOUT them.

i've already come this far just with practice, and for the first time ever i signed up as an artist for the GORBB (reverse big bang) (you can see it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29072034) which was a big milestone too. and the work was in the middle in regards to detail and time put in (i'm not going to say, nor judge, on the quality of other people's works, but i was happy with how it ended up, even if there are still things i'd change). i've done a ton of color studies and portraits and things like that, and it has resulted in actual improvement, so i know it works.

it's just stupid, because my brain is whiiiiiining about it, and i know the answer is "art more and learn", but boy howdy do we not want to.

anyway that's thoughts whats the haps anyone want to gimme an art prompt i guess lmfaoooo

We’ll start with the tl;dr version, saying that I have in fact met NaNo on the field of battle this year and emerged with about 50,004 words in a jumbled document that is something like an original fiction.

However, I had a LOT of thoughts about it, and in absolutely no order, here we go.

( “NaNoMusings” )

so i had a new idea for a novel that has grabbed on to me and i'm about to dive into -- which is good, because it has been a struggle to come up with things i want to write lately. i've been so long out of fandom that, while i can still write interesting bits and pieces about characters, i've lost the drive to tell really big stories about any of it. i don't think it's lost forever, of course, because i still have a lot to say about things, but there's no real internal push to say this or that specifically. it's more about taking prompts, and things like that.

likewise, all of the original fiction ideas that i have are... stalled? or? ok, so. like, with my Ausrine verse, I am so engaged in that story that like, whatever I write needs to be perfect and awesome and I need to work out a lot of details about plot, and character drives, and etc etc. Likewise Beacon is just too important to fuck around with; it's really complete in terms of plot and all, and it just needs to be written, but. It's complicated?

Maybe that's it; a lot of the universes my head has produced are quite complicated; almost intimidating with it, really. And I love love love them and that's the way they are, the way they need to live, but like ---

sometimes i read snippets of things in the sort of mashed-up urban fantasy scifi whatever genre and i think, i could easily do that; i could easily make that story. and that's what i want: something easy to play around with, something that i am into but not as devoted to - something to write for funzies, just a "normal" ass novel i would hope would be interesting to generic market without being something i've dumped heart and soul into and therefore fear. ???

i realize this sounds incredibly weird because who wants to write something they're not as invested in? but i need something that creates words, something fun, something easy to start with before I start trying to explain lesbian werewolves in space and how much i adore Morgan DeLumens?

anyway this has been a weird post! the point is, i had this new idea for a story and I'm going to run with it. it's gonna play out as a 'basic' urban fantasy mystery drama story; in my head it feels like mixing Robin McKinley's Sunshine and Chalice with the Kate Daniels / Mercy Thompson / Jane Yellowrock business, with a hint of Locke Lamora type setting and a whole lot of plantlore. my heroine is a young woman with the ability to scry into the past; if given some sort of talisman belonging to someone, she can often hone in on a specific part of their past, which is a good part of how she makes a living. She lives in this tight-knit community in a sort of grey place between the rich elites and a bunch of crazies, and together they discover some suspicious shit and things proceed from there.

and i would kind of like to write it with minimal outlining and for funzies and see where it goes

aren't you glad i shared this wonderfully interesting information with you. someone shoot me

So over my brief microsabbatical I decided on a list of things I want to get done by the end of the year: thus, New Year's Resolutions, in reverse, ie my resolution is to have this done before the new year. See? Get it? It's like I'm clever instead of backwards and wrong!

1. Get Healthy [metric: exercise 3+/wk; lose 10+ lb]
   Content note / Note this: being healthy and losing weight are not always the same thing! Health has a unique meaning to every individual body!
   That being said: for me getting healthy and knocking off weight go hand-in-hand at this point in time. From May-September I ate poorly, rested poorly, drank too much, drowned in stress, and had no time or motivation to work out at all. That plus medication changes has resulted in what is, for my body, unhealthy poundage.
   I miss swimming. I miss yoga. I don't miss running, fuck running, but I miss being able to run I guess? I miss punching my bag. I want to have Korra arms. And I have, quite reasonably, 10-20 lb I could lose before being even close to "danger". (Trust me, I'm a Taurus; we don't diet.)
   This is something I can make happen by 01 Jan 2016.

2. Inhabitable basement [metric: obvious]
   Right now the basement is storage, which is part of what basements are for, but mine opens up to my patio (and grill, and fire chimney) and has a nice little area by the windows where friends could sit and drink wine and grill things. I've two drum sets in my basement and my keyboard, all of which I have been missing desperately. (I miss music! I dream about pianos.) My workout area is functional, but not at all welcoming. My laundry area could use some sprucing.
   Much of the storage is related to the above, which means I just need to sort it and work through it. A good part, however, is my grandmother's stuff. She finally passed away in August (I am not sure I even mentioned it here; I was too broken by it to do so) and I do not mind storing her things forever but need to go through them and decide which way makes sense.
   This is, also, quite doable by 2016, and having those areas back in my life will please me immensely.

3. Shame room --> Craft room [metric: obvious]
   I want to turn my spare bedroom into a crafting room, to house sewing / knitting / beading / anything else I may start doing. Right now it's a shameful repository of clothes-to-be-donated and a few boxes from moving (not original boxes - these were empty boxes that were repacked with "shit i do not want to deal with rn" and hidden).

4. Plan for the greatroom [metric: having an estimate / loan]
   I have plans in my head to redo my entire greatroom, which started with my neverending desire to replace the horribly stained carpet in there and grew into a really, really epic floor plan. I need to get it from my head onto the page, then find a contractor who can give me estimates on time / cost to make it happen. Why not? Houses are investments, and my cafe-bar thing will be incredible.

5. Work-Life Balance [metric: ???]
   I need to prove to myself that I can, in fact, work the kind of job that pushes all of my success buttons without killing myself. The next 3 months will be busy, as always, but not deadly, so it's time to fucking do it. I still don't know how to make a metric for this; maybe I can use success on the other Resolution points, because they won't happen if I continue to use my energy on work.

6. Mental Peace [metric: ???]
   I went back through some journal entries and I've been in a massive depression funk since early 2014. That's too long. It has started to severely affect my health and my job. I need to attack this. I realize depressions don't "go away" but I haven't tried anything really and I at least deserve an effort.

7. Write Again [metric: get some word count] No real comments. I just miss writing.

I stopped there, since there are really only 3 months left in the year, and they will contain not only the major hols of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but also the birth of my newest niece or nephew, so I'm well aware that this is a lot to do in that time frame. (Obviously they won't need to be complete, but I work better with deadlines, even self-imposed ones. Better to not let myself cheat.)

There. Public posting makes it real, right?

• Apparently my new sleeping pills work so well that this week I've managed to pull my flat sheet out of the bed/mattress entirely; it sort of flops out from under my blanket and comforter (neither of which I need in Ohio's quest to become Louisiana) like a sad detached piece of fabric, drooping towards the floor and doing me absolutely no good at all. I am not complaining; I am not sure I have ever slept this well in my life. Is this how everyone sleeps? I am so envious - and so happy to be getting there via drug :D


• My first three days in the new job have been... incredible. I mean that in a good way and a bad way. Each day has actually been packed with the feeling of being productive: being useful, being effective, being efficient; I'm already making small changes and contributing to things in a way I think we've needed for a very long time. I love that part. That being said: I've already got two HR issues - one being one of my guys; one being someone not technically under me but as it relates to something I need to sign off on, it's also mine - and I've spent the past three days literally not having more than 15 mins uninterrupted at my desk (in my new! office!!!!!!) between phone calls and visitors and meetings, oh god the meetings, and shit I have to take care of and deal with and uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
  I get the feeling that this job will be much more exhausting and much more fulfilling than my old job. Thank the lord I have sleeping pills. I cannot imagine taking this shit on with insomnia.


• I went to PT today and then went for a 30min run/walk at the gym. Spoiler alert: That is too much activity when your body ain't used to doing anything. My neck and back hurt from PT; my legs hurt from running and I am tired as hell. (my body is crying, druuuuuuuuuuuuuug me) I am so fucking goddamn out of shape. :( I love the fact that I can get in the pool and swim for 30 mins and get out of the pool raring for more, saying to myself, "You shouldn't overdo it, ~1300 yards in 30mins is a good workout, don't break yourself further, take it easy" -- and I cannot run more than, like, 5 mins without needing a walking break. I now run like an 80-year-old woman. Hello, I would like to return this body and upgrade to a newer model, please.


• Have I mentioned I love my night pills? I love my night pills.


• In the last ~month I have been both home and home on time less than 50% of the days: it's more like 33%. I am so sick of people. Next weekend I may lock myself in the basement and not come out.


• Happy 4th of July, American yos. Enjoy some awesome fucking fireworks.