the trick is to keep breathing

What the actual fuCK is insurance these days

So I’ve been off of Cymbalta for what is now 14 days. I’m absolutely not ONLY feeling the lack of the drug in my current all-over State Of The Union, but I’m ABSOLUTELY going through withdrawal now which let me tell you for duloxetine is absolutely fantastic. Have a story.

• about 4/10 realize I’m running out. Play happy phone tag w my rheumatologist (they always want me to come in for an appt before they will prescribe anything; i kindly ask them to check my records where it says I’m immunocompromised).
• 4/17 Dr office finally agrees to call in a 90 day refill and will do another one when i get an appt any time during those 90 days.
• me: waits expectantly.
• last week: no drugs, no notification of new prescription, no nothing. I call the dr office. They submitted it to Express Scripts on 4/17.
• call ES. They have absolutely nothing on record for me more recent than a 2016 script.
• realize my other prescriptions have been filled through CVS Caremark.
• call Caremark. They have the other prescriptions but nothing for Cymbalta.
• call my Dr. They won’t submit another script even though ES has nothing on file. They tell me to call Caremark and have them contact ES to get the script.
• call Caremark / Carefirst / whatever it is. I discover that the other prescriptions were run up through my old Bridgestone COBRA insurance.
• I spend 2 hours on the phone bouncing between 7 different people trying to explain the situation.
• Apparently there is a special team that is supposed to handle my current insurance plan, but as I am transferred around, I apparently haven’t talked to anyone from that fucking team yet.
• I eventually manage to find someone who can transfer all of my recent refills OFF the COBRA and ONTO my carefirst insurance.
• I’m then tossed through three other people before I find someone who can tackle the missing duloxetine.
• turns out CVS/Caremark does NOT call out so they will NOT contact ES to look for the script.
• They recommend that I ask the doctor to submit the refill to a local CVS so that i can get the drugs sooner.
• i start laughing uncontrollably and remind them that the dr has already submitted a prescription and has absolutely refused to submit another, that the office is waiting for some insurance to make the request.

At this point, mind you: The dr has submitted a refill request and therefore won’t initiate anything. ES has not received anything on file for me at all, and therefore can’t do anything for me. CM will not contact ES. My literal only option here is for CM to contact the Dr for a new refill script and just PRAYING that the Dr will mcfuckin fill it.

• I finally - finally - land someone willing to take down the information and request a 90 day refill (through the mail service, because that’s the ONLY way i can have the request initiate from CM, since my dr won’t initiate and ES can’t) from my goddamned dr office.
• they recommend i call the Dr office and explain what’s happening so that they don’t reject the refill request.
• fuck
• the dr office doesn’t really seem to understand what I’m saying. They have me schedule an appointment and they’ll ask the Dr if they can submit another request to CM. I’m desperately trying to explain that CM is going to send a request just like please just make it go through and don’t complicate this any more.
• i am transferred to scheduling, where I sit and let the phone ring repeatedly for 15 minutes before I hang up and call back. The phone lines take a lunch break from 11:30-13:00. They were just going to let me sit there for an hour and a half i guess?????

HOW is this the way things are SUPPOSED to work? (Spoiler, it isn’t; I’m american, i get it.) just. Like. I HAVE BEEN ON CYMBALTA FOR OVER SIX YEARS. This isn’t some new medication everybody has to be woo-boo careful about. This is a fucking maintenance drug I’ve taken for a big portion of my adult life.

And I’ve been off it for two weeks. I hurt. My brain is dumb. I’m fucking exhausted. And I’ve wasted all morning on this. I’m so frustrated I want to cry and punch things.

what the FUCK.

the "great" thing about having fibro really has to be the days you are at work in so much pain you start thinking, what can I take and how many if I have to be minimally functional??

My legs are 50% bruising from climbing all around the 3rd floor of my plant this week - I've been up on scaffolds and down ladders and on top of tanks and inside vessels this week as I build a comprehensive mental picture of how fucking fucked my site is.

work is such a fucking mess right now.

I hurt a lot today and since an opium robot spinal tap is illegal, excuse me while I self-treat with wine, a cigarette, music, and lying on the floor.

This has been a particularly busy and interesting day. I had one simple checkup this morning but it blossomed into an all-day medical ~extravaganza~ ( /rupaul voice) that I'm simultaneously hopeful about, exhausted from, and dreading the slew of medical bills.

Today I had a checkup and discussion with my pain doctor, went to get a slew of x-rays on my lumbar spine and sacroiliac joint, went to my general doctor, got a major new prescription, and am having like a dozen blood tests done tomorrow. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. When I do something I do it thoroughly. I hope today results in some answers.

( cut for medical talk )

Yesterday I had an appointment for an evaluation at a Pain Management Clinic. This is the third doctor I've seen for the problem in my neck/back/shoulders: the first being my GP, who is the one that sent me for the X-Rays and MRI (and PT) and found the herniated disc; the second being the neurologist I went to see about the bulging/herniated disc and the MRI results, who was a super asshole that I actually flipped a proverbial table at and cussed out for being dismissive and spending too much time playing up his jokey mannerisms and not enough time listening to me; the third is this Pain Management Clinic specialist to which Doc #2 referred me to be evaluated for cortisone shots in my spine. (For the record, I will not be going back to Doc #2. I will eat nails first.) Keep in mind that there have been 2-3 week waiting periods to even get an appointment at these specialist places; my MRI was in October. The pain started in June. Just yesterday I actually spoke to a doctor who has an actual plan to help me.

Doc #3 was pretty great. He was a little slow - the whole clinic was - but it was the methodical, I'm-actually-thinking slow, which is okay when you're a doctor. But he listened to me, and actually evaluated me there (making me move around, looking at where the pain was, feeling around for trigger points) instead of just reading the notes from the nurse and the previous doctors. And we have a plan.

So, what Doc #3 told me was that basically, after listening to my descriptions/symptoms and feeling my actual neck/back/shoulders, he isn't sure if my muscles are jacked because my spine is fucked, or my spine is jacked because the muscles around it are fucked. He's taking me very seriously in terms of wanting significant pain relief: I'm scheduled for a cortisone epidural (steroid shots into my actual spine places) at the end of February. But since A) there's a long wait time for the epidurals anyway; B) shooting shit into one's spine is a fairly significant procedure; and C) there's a chance the muscles are the cause, not the disc; he suggested that we try something less invasive in the meantime to see whether it provides any level of relief. I have to say, I like this logic: I love a doctor who is cautious and tries the less dangerous stuff first, while I simultaneously love that he hasn't taken the more drastic option off the books (other doctors have done so, and I'm like no, dude, give me the big shit, I fucking need it). It's a good progression plan in my opinion.

So next week Tuesday morning I'm going in to have a steroid concoction injected into the trigger points in my muscles. At best, this will calm the inflamed muscles, relieving the stress on my spine and (maybe after multiple treatments, admittedly) solving the problem entirely. At worst, it will provide temporary relief until the end of February when I get the epidural injections.

I'm also on a sweet new cocktail of epic maintenance drugs to help me make it through the days on as little pain as possible:
- Super Advils (800mg; I have 90 of them) for general off-the-top relief
- a less-drowsy opiate for during the day that I can take at work, hopefully allowing me to not have stabbing pain while at my desk and on the job
- Vicodin to take at night, to help me actually sleep (Vicodin is at the top of the very short list of "things that actually help relieve this pain"), at a higher dosage than I had before
- a new muscle relaxer to take at night; previous ones didn't work well on me, but last night I was seriously in bed by 9:30pm so maybe there's hope for this one

I realize this is my first day on the new cocktail and it might just be a coincidental "good day" at random, but I do have to say the overall level of pain has already decreased. I don't feel like I'm being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot knitting needle at the moment, for once.

So I will get injections next Tuesday and then work with that and the new drug cocktail for ~2 weeks, at which point I go in for a check-up/eval with the doctor again to report back. From there we can do another round of the muscle injections, up/change the drugs, and/or reevaluate the need for the spinal injections. Thankfully, that checkup is before my next trip to the plant, so hopefully I'll be able to have some kind of relief before going back down to work those physically demanding 14-hour shifts.

I'm... I've been hopeful so many times and things haven't worked out. So this time I'm trying to be reasonably hopeful -- this is all new stuff we're trying, and so far I think the plan is good and the drugs are (as a VERY early judgment) working well.

We'll see.

Apparently we've moved the focus of this journal from "complaining about work" to "a DAILY UPDATE of what's wrong with my body."

The good news is, my tendonitis is almost completely gone! I can walk without the ankle braces and without lurching around like a really gimpy undead! The NSAID worked wonders on it and I'm going to be really careful for the next week or two - no running at all - to make sure it stays that way.

The bad news is, the muscle relaxers didn't do shit on my neck. So 5 weeks of PT: ineffective. Muscle relaxers: ineffective. NSAIDs: ineffective. Diagnosis: no one has a fucking clue.

To make a long story short, I have to get an MRI. This morning I went in for my pre-approval appointment. They're going to get approval from my insurance and then make me an appointment for it, which will hopefully be soon. Until then, I have a 60-day supply of Vicodin to take - mostly at night, to help me sleep with the pain, because if I take it during the day I have to stay at my desk instead of going out in the lab - which should help me deal with this.

( the longer story )

Good times. One of these days I will be fun again. XD

My body's still busted up.

I've been fighting bronchitis for two weeks now. Some of it is my fault: I came down with it the week the Japanese Overlords were here, so I really didn't want to take sick time off of work and leave my discussions and presentations to someone else; I ended up just taking a lot of drugs and cough drops. I'm also dumb because I continued to run and work out for the first week because I don't like admitting defeat to my own body. When it didn't start to clear up on its own I went to a CVS MinuteClinic and got me some drugs for it, but I think working/working out through it has aggravated it and made it worse. That's mostly my own stupidity, and I probably deserve it, but the bronchitis just had particularly bad timing this year.

I haven't done any kind of cardio (running, swimming, or elliptical) in a week, and I haven't even done weights since last Friday. I've also been sleeping like a goddamned fiend - last Thursday I took the afternoon off sick, took a 4-hour nap, got up and ate and read a little, and basically went back to bed and slept for 10 hours - so it isn't like my body doesn't know something's wrong. I pretty much slept away the entire fucking weekend. At this point I'll probably just rest right on through to the Marathon Relay on Saturday, other than PT today. It's going to be a pretty horrible race for me. :/ I'm sure it will be fun hanging out with everyone, but I'm really just not looking forward to the running bit.

PT doesn't seem to be doing much yet. Every time I seem to think things are improving, it then gets worse. I know from experience that this unidentified friend in my neck works in horrible synergy with the rest of me - so when I'm sick, or when I have really bad insomnia, it's way worse - so for now I don't know whether my bronchitis is compounding the issue by way of general aches and pains, or if it's actually worsening. I just -- I thought PT was supposed to provide some kind of relief (as well as fixing what's broke)? Other than the traction machine (which I may actually propose to) it doesn't really seem to do much in terms of relief.

I just get really depressed when I constantly feel like shit. (surprise, feeling like shit makes you feel like shit?)

I'm really ready to not be coughing and dizzy all the time, and I'm super ready to not have constant pain in my neck/shoulders/back. :/

In marginally less whiny news:

• I've contacted my advisor, I'm trying to pick up my literature search again, and I'll hopefully talk to her and go to some group meetings this month :/ (file under: other things I am not excited about)


• This weekend I somehow managed to pull together a decently respectable Terra costume for NYCC. There's still plenty of things which can be done with it, but it's more or less going a lot better than I expected. It would be nice to have one 'constant' cosplay that I can wear wherever. (file under: upcoming nyc drunk vacation)


• I'm almost finished with a stupid scarf I've been working on for like a year (I lost the pattern okay .___. ) and I have lots of epic plans for scarves and cowls and hats and fun things to knit for the winter. (file under: things i will not end up doing)


• Work is somewhat in a lull right now, which is both nice and epically worrisome. No further developments there right now.

I'm trying to at least enjoy the weather. Autumn is my favorite season, and I love that it's colder out. I love the way the air smells, and I love the colors that are coming out. I just wish I felt better to enjoy it. :/

[edit] also I dyed my hair red. and that's really about it.

• Today is the first day I've worked in 2012 and not had a single meeting. The next after this? 05 March. What the hell.


• At 620 comments - and growing - I'm pretty sure this is the greatest FF Kissing Battle we've had yet. Even if you're not on a team, come on in and play!
  • I'm writing tons of Final Fantasy / Gundam Wing crossovers. SHOOT ME.


• So I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my big toe. The injury's a long story; the tl;dr version is that I'm off any kind of high-impact stress on it for 2-3 weeks and I maybe shouldn't run very much in my future also (depends on how it "heals" (since arthritis doesn't exactly, you know, fix itself: HEY CARTILAGE. GROW BACK ALREADY)). On one hand: OH DARN I DON'T LIKE RUNNING ANYWAY. On the other hand: I am a stubborn Taurus fuck and I don't like the idea of my body winning the war against me when I'm only 30 years old. CUE ANGST AND SPACEHEARTING.


• Oh, and I'm on goddamned prescription drugs again. AGAIN. (No drinking for 2-3 weeks? LIKE FUCK YOU SAY.)


• It's 20 February and I have yet to do a single goddamn thing for my graduate thesis. I hate school so much.


• Speaking of not working on grad school: !! My schedule for the next few weekends is like being PUNCHED IN THE FACE WITH AWESOME. It goes like this: DISTANT WORLDS --> BJORK (!!!!!!!!!!) --> possible trip to the plant which is shitty --> PITTSBURGHCON --> LESBIAN GARAGE SALE SHIT SHOW --> Acen --> MY GODDAMNED 30th BIRTHDAY --> Katy's graduation --> CABINCON PART I ("A HOT TUB IS NOT CAMPING"). I am really not leaving my 20s quietly.


• I cleaned up my tags on DW this afternoon. I'm finally back under 1000. I really need to do the same on LJ, but LJ lacks the AMAZEBALLS "tag merge" tool that Dreamwidth has, for when you type a tag in just a little bit wrong and end up with 3 variants on the tag, "I am a vain fuck." (This is a true story!).


• The word "amazeballs" was actually in TIME magazine BTW.


• Zero ships 3x4 is one of the most hilarious things I've read all day. I would easily say "the most hilarious" on any other day but as the other things going on in my email right now are (1) a serious discussion on which crossover troll fic idea is the lube for the other and (2) the creation of an Opera in at least 14 movements about The Shit Show Of Our Lives, there's some stiff competition in my Inbox today. Nevertheless, read that shit.


• I have not played more than a couple hours of FFXIII. Don't judge me. So far the PS3 has basically been a very expensive way to steam music and Netflix. Winning.


• Going to rewatch some Sherlock this week. Might have intelligent thoughts about it. Might just reblog more shite on Tumblr.

And that's the news.

Blood test results: my vitamin D levels are still low.

I am back on SHOCKER PILLS for the next FOUR MONTHS.

Body, we've been over this. WORK WITH ME HERE. We've got three medical strikes against us in terms of being able to function like every other human being on the planet: (1) you don't absorb normal vitamins at all; (2) you're much more sensitive and your inner workings are much more horribly affected by low levels of some chemicals than most people; and now, (3), even taking the second-highest dose available at the drugstore APPARENTLY ISN'T ENOUGH TO KEEP MY BLOOD CHEMISTRY LEVELS IN A NORMAL OPERATING RANGE. fffffffffffffffffffffffff bodies why.

(at least this explains why I have been the biggest lump on the dumbest log recently. :/ )