the trick is to keep breathing

Usually I lock the entries that have to do with UAkron, but I (finally) have something good to say about them, so I think I will let this one stand as one high (counter)point against my ongoing internet diatribe. :)

As some of you know: last week Friday during lab I was talking with the lab professor. She was telling me some things about the department, upcoming changes they're discussing, and we got to talking about the part-time program. She told me there was a meeting coming up discussing the Masters program and the part-time program, and we got to talking about its weaknesses and problems, and I think she could see how invested in this I am (spoiler: it's not hard to see), because she asked if I had any points, complaints, concerns, or comments -- she offered to bring them up in the meeting anonymously.

Oh, I said. Um. I have a list. I have documents I'm compiling.

She said, if you send me something, I will make sure it's heard, anonymously.

Now: I can't pass up something like that. You all know how hard I've been working, for years, and how hard I've been hoping to find someone who cared. So I went home thinking about it - and over the weekend decided that I didn't really want to dump my rant list on this professor.

And on Monday, when I sent her a note about the lab, she replied asking again for my thoughts and telling me that she would represent my concerns at this meeting.

So Monday night I stayed up, going through my old LJ entries (note to self: my journal did not actually import into DW like I thought it did; my tags and some icons did, but the entries didn't. As soon as LJ isn't dying of DDoS, fix this), which are all tagged for this very reason - reconstructing the hardest moments of my graduate school career. I was very careful with what I wrote. I selected only 4 or 5 main "concerns" or "topics", and when I addressed each problem, I also took the time to write constructive suggestions to help alleviate each area of concern I presented. I also was very careful with my tone, to remain straightforward and professional, to keep each concern clear, concise, and precise without dampening my concern. I removed any particular personal details - both to avoid the feeling that this was just a rant, and to keep my anonymity (many of the professors in question definitely would remember these incidents since I confronted them the first time).

I had two people read it over for me to ensure it was tactful, professional, and coherent. (I'm pretty sure both of them suggested things I had forgotten, that is how bad this program has been.) And then I sent it to her.

(If anyone wants to read it, I don't necessarily mind sharing it, although I will do so privately/locked.)

I also told her in the email that while I appreciated her offer of anonymity, I was more than willing to stand behind my words, and especially if the department wanted to talk with me further about suggestions for improvement - I would be more than happy to meet, discuss, brainstorm, and help in any way I could.

(Because frankly, my anonymity won't last for long. I would say I've had personal confrontations with about 75% of the professors I've had in this department. And I am all in on this.)

I was pleased enough to have found someone who was interested in what I had to say - someone who valued a part-timer's opinion, first and foremost, because that respect and acknowledgment has been ultrarare. But second - not only did she care about my opinion, she agreed with me on much of what we talked about.

And today I heard back from her. She thanked me for my commentary, and said that she really liked what I had written and while it ended up not being the appropriate meeting she has filed it away in her head for future use, because she thinks it's important: a really valid argument and a valuable angle which is being completely overlooked.

I hope I don't have to tell you how much I am smiling right now. After four years of wrestling, one small victory feels really, really awesome.

Thanks, M.

midnight the day before it's due: 2 weeks, 12 pages, 2573 words, 4 tables and 2 charts, 5 independent error analyses and a bunch of google searches later, I am done with the first lab report.

The first one. The easiest one. The shortest one.

*tiniest celebration ever*

So I have to decide by today whether or not I'm going to take classes this semester, because if I am, registration ends today.

I can argue it both ways, and right now I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed it's hard to think about - which might appear to lean towards "take another semester off" except for the fact that (a) it's situational/circumstantial; (b) I won't be doing so much traveling and partying when I'm in school which might help me regulate my life a little bit and get that energy back and (c) with a year's effort I could be done with this fucking degree; which leans me towards "take one class, you can survive one." And yet, I have a big emotional move coming up. And of course I've been oscillating for a while, but with the past few weeks being the way they have been, I haven't given it any hefty consideration at all.

But this is not what I wanted to be slammed with on a Monday




...can I just declare amnesty on absolutely everything now?

So Open Office's Calc, while neat and free, doesn't solve anything past linear equations - not by Solver, or by graphical regression (really? I can't fit a polynomial??)

Guess I'm back to EXCEL tomorrow. Sorry, world, I tried to have a hate-on for MSOffice, but I'm an engineer: I like things that do what I need them to.

I got flowers today from my parents, which is sweet beyond anything. It's a really beautiful spring mix, all lilies and sunflowers and daisies and a few little roses; and they've been sitting in the study, filling up the room with (sorely needed) bright colors and just a hint of fresh sweet flower scent that I catch every now and then when I turn a page.

It's been a fantastic day here: stormy. I love the rain, like any good Taurus: it brings life and peace to us poor dry earth signs, especially those of us who are spring-born and need the refreshment. It's been actually enjoyable to sit and read through notes with rain and wind and thunder pounding the window at my back. I love storms, and today's was a good one.

I've made it through reviewing the notes for the Thermo class, the final I am sure to take on time. I am not sure what more I can do with the concepts; I find it hard to learn a concept from a single source, but for a class where the "notes" (I use quotes, for they are not exactly organized, nor clear) are the only reference material we have and every textbook I check lacks any relevant information... I guess I can only do what I can do. Memorizing is next, sadly - I hate memorizing. (I thought about sending an email asking how they justified not allowing any of us a notecard, but with all of the confusion over my finals anyway, I decided it not a very good idea.) If it goes well and I can answer the homework problems with ease, I'll probably move on to the other final -- if I could take these on time next week and just be done with everything. If.

I have near two hours left until I turn 26 (by day; by hour, I have until tomorrow afternoon). That's a sort of sobering thought - did I think I was going to be sitting home, alone, with a stack of notes scribbled on blue paper in multicoloured ink, when I turned 26? Oh well. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to predict myself at any age. And it's not really a bad thing, if one thinks about it in the right way.

(The stories and art so far are outstanding. I'm so touched and honored (and totally guilty for not observing other people's birthdays! SINGLE TEAR OF ABSOLUTE REMORSE); you all have no idea. (It's like I've inadvertantly had created for me the internet's best source ever of Seifer/Irvine porn, along with magic-meta and FFVII-crack fic. I am fantastic.))

I've had a lot of strange thoughts on life tonight, but I have an odd feeling that it's just the other half of my brain, sick of polymer thermodynamics, acting up again.