the trick is to keep breathing

ever since the beginning of this year when i made it one of my goals to get better and more prolific with art, i've been really, really having to reevaluate my approach. overall i think i've made some pretty significant progress with art, and i need to tell myself that, because part of it is just still disappointing to me.

what i want to be able to do with art is sit down and draw something that's in my head and have it come out more or less like what i want. it doesn't have to be total realism -- i'm sure i'll have a style. it doesn't have to be neat - my art is messy by default. but i want to be able to, like, draw a comic panel or something, in a reasonable amount of time. mostly, it's drawing people that i want.

yeah, im nowhere near that.

my FIRST big adjustment this year was finally getting through my own head that using references isn't "cheating." once i got established in my little corner of the good omens fandom and talked to more and more artists, i finally got it through my brain - and i mean this has been years in my brain rent-free - that using references is something a lot of artists do. some of them will even trace a generic pose before going on to make it their own. this is what has substantially improved my art - FUCKING SURPRISE, SURPRISE - because as it turns out, i can draw nearly anything with a reference, and draw it rather well -- or, well enough to satisfy my internal monologue.

but i know not all artists have to look up 4-5 references and mash them all together if they want to make a piece of art? and i know a lot of artists can sit down and do a doodle that looks great in like a half hour with no refs at all? and that's what i want to be able to do, because sometimes, looking for a reference that fits perfectly is exhausting - takes as long as the art lol - and even then there's something about it that doesn't always feel "yours."

the thing is that for me, art takes time, and whine delayed gratification is haaaaard. but i think i have to get it through my head that at the stage i'm in, art is going to take time. if i could work on one piece a week i could probably put out some pretty good stuff, but my brain is still like "we sit down every night and draw A Thing and then judge it" and like .... jklsdhgksjllgk im not sure what i'm trying to say here. lkashflksahgsdhklg coming out wrong.

i think this is the point on that learning-scale graph where you're in the plateau that you can see what's good and what's wrong about your art (and others' art, which is surprising!) but you aren't good enough to get there. which of course means practice, but it's really hard to practice when you're absolutely failing at your actual goal, which is to sketch (let me reiterate - PEOPLE) reasonably well without a reference.

so i think my SECOND art adjustment of 2021 has to be learning that a lot of good art takes a lot of time, even for 'real' artists, and i should allow myself that time when i'm trying to create things of a certain standard -- and also to learn that the more i draw FROM references, the better i will get at being able to draw WITHOUT them.

i've already come this far just with practice, and for the first time ever i signed up as an artist for the GORBB (reverse big bang) (you can see it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29072034) which was a big milestone too. and the work was in the middle in regards to detail and time put in (i'm not going to say, nor judge, on the quality of other people's works, but i was happy with how it ended up, even if there are still things i'd change). i've done a ton of color studies and portraits and things like that, and it has resulted in actual improvement, so i know it works.

it's just stupid, because my brain is whiiiiiining about it, and i know the answer is "art more and learn", but boy howdy do we not want to.

anyway that's thoughts whats the haps anyone want to gimme an art prompt i guess lmfaoooo

captain's log: i'm ahead in nano at the moment, which is great, but im hitting the point where i haven't thought much about the transition from intro to story. so i'm... just writing. whatever happens to come out. editing is for losers, uh, i mean, for december. i know i'll get there and i can always use my usual [BUTTS] placeholder where i mark a scene that needs to exist but i haven't met it yet.

it's funny; i've done a complete 180 so far for november. i'm sticking to a schedule, i'm more proactive with work, i'm getting things done around the house. i've challenged myself to be a real functioning adult in november rather than a waste of space wearing a scarf, and i'm not perfect yet, but progress is being made.

mama rosa is in my lap right now while i type this, her head resting on my ankle. it's really sweet.

does anyone want to see snippets from Reflections (the nano work) or i mean i'm gonna post them anyway so oh well

I have to say, one of my favorite things about working from home is the sleep. If I feel like shit, I can sleep. It’s stupidly powerful. One of the best things to do for fibro is to just rest it, and I can nap whenever I need to and wake up - usually - feeling better.

Yeah, I sleep a lot. Sure, I could be doing other stuff with that time. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, etc. but just the sheer simplicity of being able to curl up on the couch with three cats and nap until I feel better is fuckibg amazing. It’s worth sleeping so much to be able to feel this good occasionally. I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to an office full time, not if I can help it.

i think if i'm going to be working from home and trying to make it happen sustainably, i may need a new laptop. this one is at least 5 years old and i hate that that's obsolete, but i can tell with the screen, the speed, watching movies, etc. i hate how fast technology gets old these days, but im old get off my goddamn lawn.

the thing is that i've been trying to get in the habit of working from my iPad Pro because i got the top of the line one for that very reason. and it's great for general writing; so much more convenient, i've learnt to work with the touch screen, and it lets me work in positions comfortable to my back (very important!).

but the clients im working with RN are sending me work that's either in excel (and spreadsheets SUCK on mobile and CONTINUE to suck on mobile) or it requires a good amount of hotlinking, both of which are so much easier with an actual mouse. yes sure i could get a mouse like device for the iPad but that doesn't change the spreadsheet interfacing which blows some chunks.

so this is Ye Old Speak To Me About Apple Vs PC post. normally i wouldn't ever consider apple for a laptop not because i dont like them but namely because i dont do anything special with a laptop so i may as well save money there to spend on my mobile / tablet devices or gaming systems. that being said, i'm thoroughly entrenched in the iPhone & iPad world right now (i do not need suggestions on why i need to change that) so the thought of being able to more easily synchronize devices is an intriguing one. although i dont know how easily mobile and laptop sync up in the Apple world? maybe it isnt that much of a difference?

i mean i also have money but not a lot of income at the moment so i need to balance conservative spending habits with making sure i have something that can keep up with that income as well as potentially better suit my writing habits as i start to branch into fiction.

so yeah yo talk to me bros