the trick is to keep breathing

Turns out I've got a herniated disc in my neck. My C5-C6 has been janked out of alignment with the rest of my spine. Because it's herniated/bulged, it's pinching the nerves around it, which accounts for the pain radiating out of the spot (into my neck/back/shoulders).

I'm oddly--- relieved? about the whole thing. It's not that a herniated C5-C6 is great - it's not - especially when you're 30 and arthritic it's really not - but it's an actual diagnosis. Based on data, rather than "I think it's this" or "from the way you describe the pain, this" (who knows if I'm saying the right things?). Based on data. I'm a research engineer to the core.

I actually don't have a lot more information than that. I've been referred to a neurosurgeon who will take a look at the MRI and give me some more detail (my GP basically said the neuro could give me far more understanding of what was going on than he could) (also, of course, there's some kind of weirdness in the MRI (can anything about me ever be normal please), because the report said "herniated disc versus a bulged disc", which will need to be clarified with a neurosurgeon specifically). After that I'll have more details and the beginnings of a path forward.

Also I fucking passed out in the doctor's office because I don't know why. This has already kind of been an emotionally stressful week (month) (year) due to some assorted 'other stuff' and maybe I'm just more worked up about my body than I realized? Or just general stress/relief/shock...? I don't even fucking know. I felt totally fine. Then I was standing at the check out station waiting for my referral and I started to feel all flushed and skitty, started to feel that awful head rush coming on like I do when I black out (this has, unfortunately, happened enough that I'm 'used to it' and can recognize the signs); so I said to the nurse, I need to sit down like right now and she gave me her chair and I sort of made my way into it (had blacked out at this point but fumbled my way over there with some help) and apparently just passed out in her chair? Came up a couple [moments?] later, and of course when you KO in the doctor's office, holy shit. They took me over to another room to lie down and I had a blood sugar test and an EKG and a bunch of other shit and they gave me a lollipop and eventually pronounced I was fine (I kept saying, this happens enough that I'm pretty sure I'm okay, and the looks the nurses gave me like, uh, what? were awful and hilarious).

I don't even fucking know; I took the rest of the day off too and sulked in bed and accidentally a 2 hour nap with Marzy to ward off the splitting headaches I usually get when I pass out.

I. D. E. F. K.

So yeah, that's that. It's really gross right now in my head -- usually I do a ton of research on medical stuff (when I am on a prescription I always look it up in detail, even if it's a fucking antibiotic) but I can't even bring myself to read a lot of the stuff about herniated discs because I'm just like, ew, oh god that's in my neck. I swear I feel it more - like, it hurts more - now that I know what it is, which is great. Vicodin already doesn't really work; just what I need, more body weirdness. I'm so fucking depressed I'm at the point where it's easy to pretend I'm not depressed because I don't have any feelings right now, I'm a big blank empty sack, so it's pretty easy to fill it up with fake "I'm okay"s. askdja;lsdk;alskd;alsk;;;;;;;;;

So we'll go from there. The doctor said I don't have to limit any of my activity - he basically said, "The damage is already done; activity is up to your discretion; if it doesn't hurt, and you feel okay, you can do it" - so maybe I can just move forward here.

#1: I have arthritis, at 30. It's what broke my toes off earlier this year; it's part of what's causing my neck problems, as it has moved into my spine. I'm 30. With arthritis. In my spine.

#1.5: I'm currently having anxiety attacks over whether this is rheumatoid arthritis; I haven't gotten the blood test yet, but i have other symptoms too (constant inflammation of tendons on equal sides of my body, constant pain/ache, etc); an autoimmune disease would explain why my body has never actually worked correctly, and I'm terrified that that's going to be it. I hate self-diagnosers so I'm trying to ignore it, but it isn't working.

#2: One of the fundamental reasons I work out - including weight lifting - is because it can prevent the osteopenia that hit my mum at an incredibly young age and the osteoporosis that is tearing my gramma apart.

#3: Lifting heavy weights is the most efficient way to weight train. Heavy weights, few reps >> little weights, lots of reps in terms of efficiency, bone strengthening, muscle gains, etc.

#4: Heavy lifting and high impact activities are probably what's aggravating my arthritis so badly.

#5: I don't like having to choose between arthritis at 30 and osteopenia at 40. I don't want either.

#6: I guess maybe this is a good time to try that gym with the pool.

#7: physical therapy is expensive, I don't want to do it, and I don't need another thing taking up my already limited time. However, I would like to not be in high levels of pain every day.

#8: Ugh.

I WAS THERE.

IT WAS AMAZING.

I was also at a lot of bars, on a lot of (quality) trains, at a lot of delicious restaurants, and in the middle of a large amount of drunk. Zero Fucks Weekend Round Two: New York City Shame Edition was an epic success and I'll update everyone some more when I'm not being kicked out of work for actually being too sick to be here. (I promise I'll leave when my work is done, people, but it ain't done yet)

But I thought you should all know that Bjork's show and new album are just as amazing as she always is, and I am still worshipping at her sparkly, big-haired, amazing-voiced altar.

I realized I forgot to mention I'm going to see Distant Worlds this weekend.

I'M GOING TO SEE DISTANT WORLDS THIS WEEKEND :D

It shall be a big fandom meetup of awful fangirling and drunk.