the trick is to keep breathing

i've been doing research for a while but ever since this idea grabbed me last weekend i've been doing RESEARCH, and i mean research not like once i did research for a paper, but research both as "someone who once for many years worked in the research field and whose livelihood depended on researching and finding things and drawing them together" and "wow something i am interested in that isn't being hit in the head by a pipe wrench". this is a new obsession - probably because it's a novelty, so there's a chance it won't last - but at least i am diving in with a bit of (if limited by my own shitfaced depressive reality) enthusiasm.

i realize this really isn't the approach anyone wants -- approaching a religion, or spirituality, should be taken seriously; yet I'm finding that I'm That Guy who's gonna walk into a church and be all like, "so I'm gonna take a couple weeks and kinda fuck around with Jesus, dat cool?" I hope I mean no disrespect but I automatically know I am disrespectful as fuck - look, I was born a Dragomire, and we are utterly irreverent shits; we are the team that would push the red button just because we were told not to. So I am trying to approach this in a sense of -- healthy fun, maybe?; I want to give it its due, but I also need to have some dialogue before we jump in the sack, right?

anyway the way this entry is going is that to say, i've actually found some good words in this search to describe what Marzy was in my life and why this particular hole is so fuckin painful, upsetting, uprooted - if i view my life through this particular lens, it's pretty obvious what Marzy was, and even in a scientific / electromagnetic sense, it makes perfect sense.

Marzy was my grounding line. He was my grounding ritual; he was my neutral to ground; he was the thing which, after a long day of static and bullshit and awful, i could take and touch and hold and feel, and he would take all of the negativity and all of the buildup and just wash it away, down into the ground, until all that was left was belly and purr and sweet, sweet neutrality.

Marzy was my ground point and no wonder with him gone I've felt imbalanced and unstable.


fuck man. i was saying it was silly to be so upset about a cat, but in this context - where he was part of a physical ritual bringing me back to myself - i've lost my goddamn grounding wire, i think i have an excuse for building up a fuckin charge over here.

Today the only talking-to-people I've had to do was over the phone, which has been nice. It was an alright sort of day. There's still too much to do, still too much hanging over my head, too many things on my mind - the weight of responsibility is still tying my neck and shoulders in awful painful knots - but it was a day more-or-less "off".

I took advantage by compromising productive things with fuck-off stuff. I'm still behind on lots of shit, so productivity-wise, I: washed my sheets and duvet, put away a crap ton of old collected laundry, washed dishes, vacuumed, ran errands and got groceries, did a summer/winter swap out of my closet and sorted out three garbage bags worth of things for goodwill, and rearranged the whole 'workout clothes' side of my closet floor. Oh, and cooked, and did a BodyRock workout. I was pretty busy, wow. It's funny how you don't mind the shitty state of your room when you're only in it and awake for like 5 min at a time.

Relaxing-wise, I did an hour or two of leveling in FFXIII, and watched some more Criminal Minds. I swear I did something else fun, but looking at my day, how did I have the time? Hahaha.

Tonight I made a very experimental curry. I really wanted red curry, and I already had a can of coconut milk, but Giant Eagle was out of red curry paste. Sadface! So I tried this "Thai Curry Spicy" sauce thing, because hey, I am too lazy to go to another store and I wanted my curry soon. it ended up pretty good, although it definitely was not red curry, and it was a little runny/saucy (the lack of paste did not help my coconut milk any). I threw in some yellow curry powder, some peanut butter, and a little brown sugar. Flavor was excellent; only problem was it needed to be thicker. Ingredients were awesome, though: chicken and tofu, zucchini, asparagus, peppers and onions and water chestnuts and bamboo shoots.

I like experimental cooking. I like it even better when it turns out awesome.

Now I shall probably go to bed soon, because it turns out that the "day off" I thought I had tomorrow actually isn't really off at all. Greeeeeeeat.