the trick is to keep breathing

A quick update while I've got a few seconds'-worth of a breather here at lunch.

(edit) QUICK UPDATE ACTUAL LOL i have managed to turn "quick lunch update" into gigantic emotional tl;dr diatribe god I am the best/worst blogger in the history of the internet

general
I've been excessively shitty lately. My workload - not just job but life, because apparently the amount of general bullshittery around me increases directly proportional to my stress load due to specific work bullshittery - has been godawful. I actually started typing out a list of the many things I'm trying to handle right now but deleted it because a) it was depressing me and b) it sounded like I'm playing Stress And Workload I Am The Busiest Ever Olympics which isn't ever really what I want to sound like. Suffice to say I was up to item 12 before I stopped, and that hadn't even covered work; if you'd like to play Olympics with me I guarantee I will win, which actually means I lose, I think.

( additional rambles that got long )

Where by "this" I mean "I legitimately haven't spoken to a single person other than cashiers at various stores since I left work on Thursday." goodbye, social life and all relationships, I want to be a hermit for my 30th birthday.

Last week was bad enough that I came into this weekend knowing I needed a break. So I really focused, this weekend, on just doing stuff I wanted to do. When I wanted to be productive, I was, but I made a really distinct point of doing stuff I knew I just plain liked, stuff for fun, stuff to relax. Whenever I started to feel guilty about it - because let's be honest, my to do list isn't getting any shorter - I reminded myself that because of the holiday this week I have an extra long weekend, from Wed-Sun -- and Wed, Thurs, and Fri are all mine (Sat and Sun may go to painting the basement). This actually worked, to put off the guilt anyway, and I did some relaxing.

The shittiest thing is that i can tell it's all kind of simmering under the surface -- I couldn't sleep in this weekend, for example. I woke up at 6:30 am like clockwork. Although I did refuse to get out of bed for an hour or two because fuck that, but ... My brain knows there are things going on. Thanks for the help, body, you traitorous fuckhole. My neck/shoulders are still knotted and full of sharp stabbing pains, even after two days of generous hot pad application. Oh well; I tried.

(EDIT to add:) See, it isn't that I don't idle well -- I do. I idle with the best of them. I can actually lie on my own floor and stare at the ceiling and think about absolutely nothing for a really long time and enjoy it. I look at these entries and it looks like I always have to be busy, like i always have to be doing something, and sweet fucking hell, no I don't. what it is: I don't idle well when I have other stuff looming. Especially deadlines or responsibilities that involve other people. And so when I'm getting to this edge, to the end of my own patience, I seriously sometimes have to keep myself busy with busywork -- do things that are JUST enough to take my mind off of the other stuff (since my brain is legitimately always going) while maintaining as low an energy level as possible.

I spent time on Fri and Sat out at the complex pool, alternating between swimming and reading. There's something really decadent about reading books poolside -- something clicks in my head and says, this is relaxing. It's some kind of Pavlovian doggish vacation cue, a combination of my absolute love for water (god, I miss swimming; I spent about an hour trolling local gyms to see which ones have a pool and whether I can afford them), my love for reading and books (talk about relaxing and enjoyable things I don't have enough time for anymore), and just something about sitting on a pool chair in the horrendously fiendishly hot Ohio sun we had this weekend, sipping an iced coffee and either reading Becky's summer assignment or just dozing and letting the sun dry me off. I couldn't take it for very long because heat is gross, but for the couple hours I did, it was like forcing relaxation. Which is hilarious in retrospect. But I'll remember it.

I've also solved my bathing suit dilemma. I am a little bit too old for itty bitty string bikinis, I don't like them anyway, and -- I am a swimmer; I want a suit I can actually swim in. I ended up going to Dick's Sporting Goods and picking up some sporty Reebok two-pieces that are super classy and actually made to be functional. I'm so pleased. I give absolutely negative shits about whether I look like a brazen beach bunny or whatever the fuck I am supposed to look like. I am obscenely out of fucks for swimsuits.

I played a lot of FFXIII. I watched some Full Metal Alchemist, and some Criminal Minds. I started knitting -- one thing I've been missing, genuinely, is having a hobby that creates an actual thing. Writing creates a story, yes (and uh, can we talk about how much I've missed writing?), but I also like hobbies that make things. That's why I like brewing, and cooking. So yeah, I looked up some nice patterns, and started knitting. I'm trying to take actual notes so that if I lose my place I won't be entirely lost four months from now when I am like, What is this purple clusterfuck???

I also worked out a bunch, and spent some time planning out a workout schedule for the next few weeks that I hope I can stick to. I spent today doing a bunch of cooking, plus folding one million loads of laundry, and doing some cleaning.

I think it was a good weekend. And I only have to survive two days of work and then I have another small break. This couldn't have been better timed. if I can just get some sleep and this knot out of my neck, and a couple more breather days to get actually caught up on life, maybe I can get rid of this feeling that there's a giant stormcloud riding me.



Oh, and. SIGN UP FOR THE CLAIM A THON IF YOU WANT IN :D These promps are awesome, it's gonna be SWEEEEEEET