the trick is to keep breathing

I’m sure approximately zero (0) of you are aware of this, but every year since like 2012 or 2013 i come up with a tag at the beginning of the year that i hope fits the year’s theme. (It doesn’t always work, so occasionally i replace the tag, or come up with multiples.) for 2017 i have ended up with 2 tags that really capture most of the year: “fight me” and “no”.

Unfortunately in my heart 2017 has ended up being a year of pain. Physically; emotionally; spiritually; professionally; financially; nationally; politically; chronically. In every area of my life I’ve ended up hurting for most of this year. The one exception has been romantically, and I’ll start out what will end up being a depressing entry telling you all that Mike and I are engaged; we will be married on 14 April 2018, and then there will be a big reception party some time at the end of May (Memorial Day wknd plus or minus a week). Mike has been my bedrock for so much of this year, and I’m honestly not sure i would have come out of this year as intact as i have if I hadn’t had him. I call him my grounding rod, my ground wire; he keeps me balanced.

I will try to intersperse good and bad, but here’s a memorial to the year that has hurt me in more ways than I’ve ever known.

( “2017 )

Honestly, i really lost myself and my place this year. There were huge gaps and chasms I spent a lot of time and energy trying to fill whatever way I could. I spent a lot of time being tired and overwhelmed, and feeling exhausted and hopeless. With everything on top of itself, it really took until about October before I started finding handholds and climbing out of this goddamn pit.

The thing I do need to say here is that my friends and family - and family friends; you know which ones you are - have also really stepped up to help me through the low times this year, and I can’t help but love you more for it and look forward to having continued fun positive memories in the years to come. <3

Part of moving forward is archiving these things here; i have to get this out and over until I can start to look at 2018 and what I want to do and change and how to go forward.