ten years later, they finally got the memo / sent it to accounting, and knocked out my front teeth

[seventhe]

so i've talked here a lot about fibromyalgia, and stress, and energy and chronic fatigue, and the concept of overcharging on a credit card and then having to pay the balance and interest later; it's an analogy that feels pretty close to the experience, just another way to phrase the spoon theory. I've been managing this on a microscale for the last couple years: spend all my energy at work, push off the crash until i get home, have no energy to do anything; repeat. well, it turns out this happens on the macroscale as well, as i found out last week when i finally had the first part of the breakdown i've been holding off for four years running.

i took two days off of work to manage it - yeah, i haven't even been here a month and i'm taking vacation, but they know about my health problems and are v understanding - and it was ... just ... weird

it's very overwhelming when all the bullshit you've been suppressing for four years straight decides to come due and crash down on you all at once. and it isn't over -- you can't recover from four years in ten days, you just can't.

but that's where i am, and that's what is happening, and my partner and i had an incredibly pleasant lazy weekend and he also cleaned my entire kitchen (as in, exiled me to the couch to relax while he cleaned it, which did lead to a massive meltdown on my part, but worked eventually when i fell asleep on the couch) and we went to the farmer's market and bought delicious fresh local food and veggies and fruits, so i have good motivation to eat well and take care of myself this week.

i'm very wary of what else might be behind the (cracking, breaking) dam, waiting to flood me out, but ... if i could handle those four years, i can handle whatever backlash they're gonna dish out

Comments

[althea_valara]

I threw a birthday party for myself once, but didn't finish cleaning the house in time. When my guests came over they told me to sit down and finished the cleaning for me. It was the best birthday present ever. I'm glad your partner was there to help you out.

I'm sorry to hear you had a breakdown, but I'm happy you were able to take some time off. I hope things look up for you soon.

[samuraiter]

Maximum condolences (and maximum self-care time)!

[alatefeline]

I am glad you got to have that weekend.

[queenlua]

i think this is the first entry i've read from you in a while where you mentioned "i took a break for my own sanity/sake/health/etc" without beating yourself up over it. that alone sounds very healthy to me & i'm very glad you had a lovely lazy weekend~

[seventhe]

wow, you make a really good point (I've been reading back in my entries as part of the transition process)... maybe that's a good sign

[lassarina]

^ what Lua said, with added "over text, too."

[novel_machinist]

I'm glad that you're focusing on yourself. You can handle it, you'll just be punching all the way thru