Where by "this" I mean "I legitimately haven't spoken to a single person other than cashiers at various stores since I left work on Thursday." goodbye, social life and all relationships, I want to be a hermit for my 30th birthday.

Last week was bad enough that I came into this weekend knowing I needed a break. So I really focused, this weekend, on just doing stuff I wanted to do. When I wanted to be productive, I was, but I made a really distinct point of doing stuff I knew I just plain liked, stuff for fun, stuff to relax. Whenever I started to feel guilty about it - because let's be honest, my to do list isn't getting any shorter - I reminded myself that because of the holiday this week I have an extra long weekend, from Wed-Sun -- and Wed, Thurs, and Fri are all mine (Sat and Sun may go to painting the basement). This actually worked, to put off the guilt anyway, and I did some relaxing.

The shittiest thing is that i can tell it's all kind of simmering under the surface -- I couldn't sleep in this weekend, for example. I woke up at 6:30 am like clockwork. Although I did refuse to get out of bed for an hour or two because fuck that, but ... My brain knows there are things going on. Thanks for the help, body, you traitorous fuckhole. My neck/shoulders are still knotted and full of sharp stabbing pains, even after two days of generous hot pad application. Oh well; I tried.

(EDIT to add:) See, it isn't that I don't idle well -- I do. I idle with the best of them. I can actually lie on my own floor and stare at the ceiling and think about absolutely nothing for a really long time and enjoy it. I look at these entries and it looks like I always have to be busy, like i always have to be doing something, and sweet fucking hell, no I don't. what it is: I don't idle well when I have other stuff looming. Especially deadlines or responsibilities that involve other people. And so when I'm getting to this edge, to the end of my own patience, I seriously sometimes have to keep myself busy with busywork -- do things that are JUST enough to take my mind off of the other stuff (since my brain is legitimately always going) while maintaining as low an energy level as possible.

I spent time on Fri and Sat out at the complex pool, alternating between swimming and reading. There's something really decadent about reading books poolside -- something clicks in my head and says, this is relaxing. It's some kind of Pavlovian doggish vacation cue, a combination of my absolute love for water (god, I miss swimming; I spent about an hour trolling local gyms to see which ones have a pool and whether I can afford them), my love for reading and books (talk about relaxing and enjoyable things I don't have enough time for anymore), and just something about sitting on a pool chair in the horrendously fiendishly hot Ohio sun we had this weekend, sipping an iced coffee and either reading Becky's summer assignment or just dozing and letting the sun dry me off. I couldn't take it for very long because heat is gross, but for the couple hours I did, it was like forcing relaxation. Which is hilarious in retrospect. But I'll remember it.

I've also solved my bathing suit dilemma. I am a little bit too old for itty bitty string bikinis, I don't like them anyway, and -- I am a swimmer; I want a suit I can actually swim in. I ended up going to Dick's Sporting Goods and picking up some sporty Reebok two-pieces that are super classy and actually made to be functional. I'm so pleased. I give absolutely negative shits about whether I look like a brazen beach bunny or whatever the fuck I am supposed to look like. I am obscenely out of fucks for swimsuits.

I played a lot of FFXIII. I watched some Full Metal Alchemist, and some Criminal Minds. I started knitting -- one thing I've been missing, genuinely, is having a hobby that creates an actual thing. Writing creates a story, yes (and uh, can we talk about how much I've missed writing?), but I also like hobbies that make things. That's why I like brewing, and cooking. So yeah, I looked up some nice patterns, and started knitting. I'm trying to take actual notes so that if I lose my place I won't be entirely lost four months from now when I am like, What is this purple clusterfuck???

I also worked out a bunch, and spent some time planning out a workout schedule for the next few weeks that I hope I can stick to. I spent today doing a bunch of cooking, plus folding one million loads of laundry, and doing some cleaning.

I think it was a good weekend. And I only have to survive two days of work and then I have another small break. This couldn't have been better timed. if I can just get some sleep and this knot out of my neck, and a couple more breather days to get actually caught up on life, maybe I can get rid of this feeling that there's a giant stormcloud riding me.



Oh, and. SIGN UP FOR THE CLAIM A THON IF YOU WANT IN :D These promps are awesome, it's gonna be SWEEEEEEET

So I’ve been pretty stressed out lately. Rather than talk too much about the things stressing me, I’m going to talk about the good things that are happening because of all the stress, one by one.

• Snafubar played our first gig on Saturday night. We shared a show with Lithium and I thought it went really well overall. I was pleased with the way we sounded although as always you can critique these kinds of things until the sun goes down… but in the end, not only am I happy about it, I’m happy to have it over with. I didn’t have a lot of practice time in my week to begin with (and now with all the other stress it really wasn’t helping) and while I love playing it’s nice to have a little break. One stressor down. Congrats to Lithium too, you guys sounded awesome. :D


• FFEX, NGP, help_haiti: all assorted fandom projects with assorted due dates that are approximately NOW, or maybe YESTERDAY, if not LAST WEEK DUMBASS: but all of which will be done this week and I’m pleased as shit with things right now. Even if my contributions to FFEX have been “cheer wildly while coding people make my dreams come true” and “panic”… even then.


• Work has been insanely ungodly busy and while I'm trying to pull something good out of it for the list… I’m coming up blank. Right now I’m working on the largest single amount of polymer I’ve ever made for a request, times four requests. Plus a crapload of other studies and other smaller batches which are still my responsibility no matter what else lands in my lap. Due dates for one major project/study is mid-April; for another project/request, mid-May. So right now is crunch time. At least I’m busy, job security, etc. It isn’t helping the exhaustion but I guess it’s helping the days go by.


• Health-wise: I got the results back from a blood test I took a few weeks ago (seriously, people, I have had 8 appointments in the past 3 Fridays. I don’t even want to look at my medical bills yet). Apparently I am extremely vitamin deficient in a way that isn’t related to diet or sun exposure at all: good job, body, way to continue to fail at the things other people do correctly. XDD I’m lacking Bs and Ds, I guess: vitamin D you hear about a lot in the winter, but B12 is one that contributes to “normal brain function”. Ha ha ha. Funny. I wasn’t really sure why, because I buy my own groceries and cook for myself and eat lots of fruit and vegetables. But apparently this is the kind of thing that can just happen; my body just doesn’t absorb or process or hang onto this stuff correctly, apparently, sez the doc, and that’s that. YEY.
  The thing is, the symptoms (not just lethargy/lack of energy/exhaustion/sleep disorder, but depression, anxiety, irritability, mood-swings*) match the things I’ve been fighting, the things that have been getting worse. The revelation that the B-vitamins affect mental issues and brain function kind of just made it click for me. Hilariously, when I called my mother to tell her this, she revealed that a great-aunt of mine had once been hospitalized in a psych ward for symptoms that ended up being related to B-deficiency. Guess I’m glad we caught this now.
  So I am on a regimen of shots, weekly supervitamin gutpunches, and pill cocktails for a month; after that I have a delicious sampling of 8 pills I’ll take every day (not including the multi-vitamin I’m holding off on for now until this other shit gets stabilized) until I get re-tested in three months for APPROVE/DISAPPROVE. The reason I'm taking 8 pills / day is because the levels of daily vitamins I was prescribed by the doctor are 2-3x the largest size sold in any given pharmacy. Sweet.
  Honestly, this is better than the outcome I was expecting and stressing over (“Your thyroid is borked! You require surgery/serious meds”) and I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that some of my health issues will get their asses in line once I get myself and my internal systems re-balanced.


• In-between appointments this week, I wasted some time at a Borders which was going out of business and had discounts on their books. I bought myself a lovely illustrated book on Yoga; it’s hard to find a good book on yoga, because what I really want is a book about building vinyasas for myself, and I’m guessing the discount shelves aren’t the best place to find something that specific. But the book I have has a lot of awesome 360-degree photos of some of the main poses, and combinations to do for pain in certain areas of the body, which is pretty cool: I’m pleased, even if it doesn’t cover everything I was hoping it would. I also got a book on homemade spa treatments (which looks really awesome and fun; can’t wait to try it). And also: I found The deck of Tarot** cards for me. I’ve been looking for a new deck for a while, and who would’ve known the perfect deck lived in the Borders clearance bin? Ha: I should have, as my “inner self” is a cheapass. I haven’t gotten to do much with them yet because I’ve been so busy, but they are beautiful and awesome, the symbolism is fantastic (very faerie-based, beautiful yet with enough creepy to really please me), and this is the first deck since my last one that I have really felt intrigued by. Yoga and Tarot… rebalancing vitamin regimen… who senses a theme? Haha, self!


• My training plan is going as well as it can. I did my first two outdoor runs this weekend: one 5-miler, and one ~3-miler. My training plan basically has one long run per week, and as long as the temperature isn’t cold enough to trigger my asthma I really want to start doing the long run outdoors. However, I have to find a better road to run on! The path I picked on Friday was a really shit road for running. Anyway, my legs are still recovering from the shock of a real road, but I’m getting there. Training is slow, but I’m getting there.

Anyway, my commitment plate has been a little full, but this week – this week! – a lot of it should get better, and maybe I can get this stress-knot out of my neck and this anxiety out of my gut and this exhaustion out of my head. :) I’m looking forward to this weekend if nothing else! Engineering Bitches hit WineCon 2010. Heeeellllllllllls yeah.

How is everyone else!


* Uh, I guess this is the part where I mention that I’ve been going through a lot of these symptoms lately and having some health and mental health issues…? Heh.
** I like the Tarot as a meditation/therapy/interesting-way-of-looking-at-things tool, much like I like horoscopes. Do I think there is a spirit in the cards (or the stars) telling my fortune? No. Do I believe someone like me (who fails at emotional analysis anyway) can use Tarot methods to better understand who they are, how they feel about situations and what they want to do? Yup. Do I like pretty cards with gorgeous illustrations? Also yes. :P

Things going on in my life right now?

+ FF Kiss Battle is go!

+ Went to Pittsburgh to celebrate Dad's birthday this weekend. Watched Jim's band (they were awesome). Drank lots. Played drunken Candyland with the drunken family. Had a great time. :) It's nice to be able to just meet up with them for an evening once in a while.

+ The J-Squad's going to run a marathon! (Go Team Beer Hats?) jennyclarinet, hilldo, myself, and two others are running the marathon as a 5-person relay. I'm training to run the 8.1 mile leg of the relay. If you watch my Twitter you've probably seen my #run2010 hashtag... that's my training program.

I'm excited. This is part of "Make 2010 full of things Sev wants to do"... although wanting to run over 8 miles in a reasonable time is probably an awful life choice. But I want to prove I can do it, even with asthma and a bum ankle. I know I can. I'm not going to let my weak body own me! XD

+ Between running and doing yoga once a week, I've been pretty physically beat. Level Two Yoga is harder than I thought, but I love it ever so. I come out of that class feeling not only tired, but -- clean, empty, relaxed. Last Wednesday for example I was so frustrated at personal things I was on the line of tears; I left class in the best mood of the entire week. Even though it kicks my ass, hello headstands why do I have no upper body strength. :/

+ Snafubar has a gig coming up -- Saturday 13 March we'll be playing at a local bar in Akron with [as of yet unnamed 90's band] starring jennyclarinet and hilldo. It's really nice to be preparing for a double show because we only need 1.5 hours of music which is pretty reasonable. I'm hoping this can turn into a regular thing... I miss playing out.

+ And the week after the show we're going to have Awesome Weekend (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!) courtesy of the Engineering Bitches. I can't wait for March!

+ Writing's going okay. Finishing up my work for help_haiti, then moving on to newgameplus while dabbling in ff_kissbattle. Beacon is actually going really well, although as evidenced by this paragraph it's also going kind of slowly.

+ This weekend we're having a Jam Night at the ex-drummer's house, and then next weekend I'll be in Chicago visiting lassarina... life is good.

+ Mood: good. Personal life: stable.

Weekend with lassarina in Chicago: Excellent!

Friday night I made really good time... until I made a lazy stop for food and put myself directly in the beginning of rush-hour traffic. Note to self: YOU ARE AN IDIOT; when making good time on the road, don't ruin it! Anyway, after fighting the mobs of traffic, I got the Meglet, we got the Natalie, and then hit Chipotle. We then returned and basically denned for the night weekend, save a trip out to the Cheesecake Factory, because there is not one near me which means I like to go whenever possible (as I am trying to eat every delicious-looking item on their menu one by one!).

We watched the cutscenes from Lost Odyssey; while I'm not sure I have a really firm grasp on the entire game/plotline from the cutscenes, I can probably pick it up with an FAQ or game script. It was pretty and shiny, and had a lot of pretty awesome characters. I also got Persona 3! We started it but didn't get far at all -- I'm looking forward to picking that one up at home.

Edited to add: Also, Meg's cat molested me in my sleep. Trufax!!

Other than that, there was various fic-writing and lots of delicious drinks to be had. Meg and Nat introduced me to raspberry lambic, and as I am just getting involved in the brewing process here (a beginning brewmistress, to be sure) I'm now kind of curiously poking at recipes.

In other news, apparently when there is no traffic, the drive from me to Chicago actually only takes 5.5 hours, including a stop for food and gas. This probably means that I drive WAY too fast*. I blame hilldo for distracting me on the phone for the last hour of the drive, which pretty much flew by. Stay tuned for our awesome future projects, guys. After we beat Secret of Mana, of course. There are vampires and wigs and crime-solving. stfu.

In other news, I am a bit ahead for JanNoWriMo; as I've already failed at the write-every-day goal, it looks like my new goal is just to write as many words as freaking possible. I wrote over 1000 words of Seifer/Irvine at Meglet's alone; as it was over the course of an evening I actually split it up to cover Saturday/Sunday (we were up pretty late on Sunday!) to be fairer.

NOW comes the fun of getting ready for Ohayocon! It looks like I will be unable to join drakonlily this weekend for prep so I am trying to make a list of all the things I need to remember to bring and/or buy myself this weekend in whatever spare time I have. Help me out here, guys (esp Jana, Katy, Drakon, Becky):

( OHAYOCON )

I'm pretty excited for this convention, and also excited to be bringing people back home for the always-awesome Super Bowl party!

Anyway. Another totally crammed beginning-of-the-week for me. I hate my new Mon-Tues-Wed schedule, but hey, what can you do. Other than bitch about it a bit and then just man up.



* meaning 50 miles per hour AND SAFE, of course

My weekend with katmillia was basically awesome. We cuddled a lot, and did drunken karaoke at the Dugout, and watched the intro to Firefly (P.S. KATY WATCH THE REST BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME), and doodled a little, and had sushi with kenupntr. And decorated the house for the Halloween Party, and made 8 boxes worth of Jello shots.

I love my Katy like woah and I want her to come back!

The Halloween party was quite possibly the most awesome party we've ever had at Jeff's. The decorations were awesome, and the costumes were fucking excellent. All of the Jello shots were eaten and so much beer was consumed it was basically unbelievable. jennyclarinet was ridiculously hot in her costume. Everyone's costumes were awesome, and once things began coming out of the Extra Costume Bin, it just got crazier.

There was dancing, and more dancing, and some cuddling, and some feeding of Jello shots to random people all the time.

Jeff and I went as K-Fed and Britney Spears, which was pretty sweet. Katy went as American McGee's Alice, which no one got but me and hilldo and Jerry, but was pretty damn sweet.

I have pics up, although they're locked because certain people don't like having pictures out on the internet. I don't really know if anyone other than me looks at pictures but if you want to see us all, comment and I'll give you the link. THEY'RE HOT

Two major reasons to love hilldo:
(1) He dressed up as Dick In A Box for the party. With Blow Pops
(2) "Helping" me with NaNo by co-writing the Text Based Adventures Of Sir Hilldo And His Penis. Chapter 1 may be posted later if you guys are nice.

Anyway, now our kitchen is a huge ass mess, and we have zero groceries, and we spent yesterday lying around and watching football because we were too tired to do anything else. Tonight I've got class and ff_p but after that hopefully we can make some headway into cleaning this shit!

- - -

Random side note: lassarina has some particularly fun and interesting discussions going on her LJ, for fellow writers.

EDIT: I find it funny that I use the same set of tags in every entry about Katy and Rina. HMMMMMMMM

RE-EDIT: Alright, I give up. Link's in the comments.