Entries tagged with my broken body

So I cant walk

So last Thursday around 10:00 I had a bad fall and ended up in the emergency room, with both ankles basically busted.

Cut for discussion of injury. ( yeah )

Can’t really walk. Couldn’t really even stand the first few days without supporting myself on wheelchair / nearby table / couch / something else. Crown helped make the first floor wheelchair accessible and put together one of the basement beds for me to sleep on in my sunroom cause i cant do stairs. Feathers brought me down enough toiletries that I could brush my teeth and actually wear deodorant. My parents came to visit with groceries and fruits and lots of help getting everything set up so that I can survive first-floor-only for a little while.

Check-up with the ortho on Wednesday put me into a boot - good news; boot FAR better than cast! - and predicted about 6 weeks before I’m back to any normal kind of motions, with next check-up in two.

This certainly isn’t my first time impaired — I spent most of my senior year of high school on crutches or in a wheelchair for a variety of reasons. But that’s very different; you have friends at school willing to help you out so that they can use the elevator, and you have parents at home who still do your laundry and get your mail. I’m nearing 40 and don’t live with my husband for a variety of mutual personal reasons, and I’m kind of lucky to have a basement gremlin in Feathers at this point or I would be, just, you know. Boned.

All projects are behind. Drawing? Writing? Don’t know ‘em. Today for the first time I sat down at my desktop while in the wheelchair and while I can make words, it isn’t really that easy, or that comfortable.

My life as a cripple (patent pending) so far has been interesting. I have my grandmother’s wheelchair, which is great because I have it and didn’t have to pay for one, but not so great in that it’s made to be pushed, rather than for self-propelling. And wheeling myself around on carpet also not made for wheelchair ease is, well, fucking exhausting. I better have massive arms after this. I’ve had to rearrange nearly everything so that I can access it without having to stand up. Hell, even a trip to the bathroom is like a 20-minute quest montage from Lord of the Rings.

The poor cats are not adjusting very well at all.

ANYWAY! Friends! I will be literally useless for at least the next 6 weeks. I still plan on putting out fan stuff just to keep my own sanity, but will it be quality? Who knows! Will i open commissions again? Depends on the emergency room bill! Do i consider crying at least once a day? Of course!!

Love, Sev

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IM FUCKING

What the actual fuCK is insurance these days

So I’ve been off of Cymbalta for what is now 14 days. I’m absolutely not ONLY feeling the lack of the drug in my current all-over State Of The Union, but I’m ABSOLUTELY going through withdrawal now which let me tell you for duloxetine is absolutely fantastic. Have a story.

about 4/10 realize I’m running out. Play happy phone tag w my rheumatologist (they always want me to come in for an appt before they will prescribe anything; i kindly ask them to check my records where it says I’m immunocompromised).
4/17 Dr office finally agrees to call in a 90 day refill and will do another one when i get an appt any time during those 90 days.
me: waits expectantly.
last week: no drugs, no notification of new prescription, no nothing. I call the dr office. They submitted it to Express Scripts on 4/17.
call ES. They have absolutely nothing on record for me more recent than a 2016 script.
realize my other prescriptions have been filled through CVS Caremark.
call Caremark. They have the other prescriptions but nothing for Cymbalta.
call my Dr. They won’t submit another script even though ES has nothing on file. They tell me to call Caremark and have them contact ES to get the script.
call Caremark / Carefirst / whatever it is. I discover that the other prescriptions were run up through my old Bridgestone COBRA insurance.
I spend 2 hours on the phone bouncing between 7 different people trying to explain the situation.
Apparently there is a special team that is supposed to handle my current insurance plan, but as I am transferred around, I apparently haven’t talked to anyone from that fucking team yet.
I eventually manage to find someone who can transfer all of my recent refills OFF the COBRA and ONTO my carefirst insurance.
I’m then tossed through three other people before I find someone who can tackle the missing duloxetine.
turns out CVS/Caremark does NOT call out so they will NOT contact ES to look for the script.
They recommend that I ask the doctor to submit the refill to a local CVS so that i can get the drugs sooner.
i start laughing uncontrollably and remind them that the dr has already submitted a prescription and has absolutely refused to submit another, that the office is waiting for some insurance to make the request.

At this point, mind you: The dr has submitted a refill request and therefore won’t initiate anything. ES has not received anything on file for me at all, and therefore can’t do anything for me. CM will not contact ES. My literal only option here is for CM to contact the Dr for a new refill script and just PRAYING that the Dr will mcfuckin fill it.

I finally - finally - land someone willing to take down the information and request a 90 day refill (through the mail service, because that’s the ONLY way i can have the request initiate from CM, since my dr won’t initiate and ES can’t) from my goddamned dr office.
they recommend i call the Dr office and explain what’s happening so that they don’t reject the refill request.
fuck
the dr office doesn’t really seem to understand what I’m saying. They have me schedule an appointment and they’ll ask the Dr if they can submit another request to CM. I’m desperately trying to explain that CM is going to send a request just like please just make it go through and don’t complicate this any more.
i am transferred to scheduling, where I sit and let the phone ring repeatedly for 15 minutes before I hang up and call back. The phone lines take a lunch break from 11:30-13:00. They were just going to let me sit there for an hour and a half i guess?????

HOW is this the way things are SUPPOSED to work? (Spoiler, it isn’t; I’m american, i get it.) just. Like. I HAVE BEEN ON CYMBALTA FOR OVER SIX YEARS. This isn’t some new medication everybody has to be woo-boo careful about. This is a fucking maintenance drug I’ve taken for a big portion of my adult life.

And I’ve been off it for two weeks. I hurt. My brain is dumb. I’m fucking exhausted. And I’ve wasted all morning on this. I’m so frustrated I want to cry and punch things.

what the FUCK.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/363239.html

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painful

Can we. please. have. mostly-constant. temperatures. More than five days in a row.

Lady Fibromyalgia-Arthritis Johnson thanks you.

In other nonsensible news, I may be considering signing up for a triathlon. A baby triathlon - sprint triathlon category: swim 0.5 mi, bike 15 mi, run 3.1 mi. I don't know why the prospect is so appealing -- it isn't like this body is running low on pain and exhaustion and thus has to pick up some more at the triathlon training store. This is a good idea, Sev, said no one. However, the thought of doing something stupid and violent appeals to me. It's cool.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/361848.html

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I need a house elf

For the second time this week, I'm sitting on the floor wondering why my hands and feet aren't warming up -- except that this time it didn't take me forever to remember it's because you haven't eaten you fuckwit. So I had dinner, and now I've got an alarm set on my phone to remind me at 1800 to "eat some frigging food".

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/360897.html

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it's never really a 'new' year

Since I use this as a medical journal / history sometimes, I figured I would drop this in: yesterday my neck locked up again.

I realized that it hasn't done that - the thing where it actually locks and I can't move my head more than a few degrees on any plane of rotation, in addition to the stabbing pain - for almost a year, I think, so maybe those cortisone shots actually did something. However, no peace lasts forever.

I had to take the day off - which sounds more exciting than it really is, since I couldn't really do much (since I can't move) and I've now got a pile of things that need doing here - but today at least I can move, so I'm back at work.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/359880.html

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i really need to update more, so that when i do update, it isn't 50,000 words long

This just in: still alive.

I'm not even going to get into work here because the things people have done to me and the things I have done to people in the last six weeks belong in a horror film. One about fire and brimstone and lots and lots of swears.

More importantly, I finally got in to see the rheumatologist. I'd delayed calling because I am a busy and forgetful fuck, and then when I called there was a 6-8 week lead time on appointments, but I've finally been in to see an expert. Diagnosis re-confirmed, it's fibromyalgia. There's also some general autoimmune-disease stuff going on in there, but Fibro is an absolute.

(With fibro, there are these "~~trigger~~ tender points" that are part of the diagnosis process: for people with fibro there are certain points on the body where the nerves are hypersensitive, so a normal touch feels like someone punching you directly on a bruise. Things I wasn't prepared for. The doctor was doing his check-over and hit the one on the knee and I screamed. I've always just thought bodies were sensitive there. Things I wish I'd known years ago.)

So I'm being taken off the escitalopram (anxiety med) and put on Cymbalta. The Cymbalta should be able to take the place of the Lexapro with regards to anxiety, and additionally will help deal with the fibro pain and sensations. I do get to keep my trazodone -- you can pry that sleeping pill from my cold dead fingers.

I'm on a starter dose for now, which will be increased if/as needed, and if Cymbalta doesn't work Lyrica's next.

As part of the prescription, I've also been "prescribed" exercise. The doctor says that mild (no strenuous weightlifting or sprinting intervals) exercise will help the fibro and, even though it hurts, will also help the Cymbalta work -- basically adding some exercise activity will give the drug the best chance to be effective as time goes on. As I would really like (one of) these drugs to be successful, I'm going to go back to the gym and just be gentle with myself until/as the drugs start to work, and then go from there. I'm thinking of restarting yoga in addition to that.

I am sure it won't be easy, and adding something else to my to-do list and daily schedule is moving in the absolute wrong direction, but I'm at the point where I've needed a reminder that my health is important even though it's complicated to care for.

here are some things

Apparently my new sleeping pills work so well that this week I've managed to pull my flat sheet out of the bed/mattress entirely; it sort of flops out from under my blanket and comforter (neither of which I need in Ohio's quest to become Louisiana) like a sad detached piece of fabric, drooping towards the floor and doing me absolutely no good at all. I am not complaining; I am not sure I have ever slept this well in my life. Is this how everyone sleeps? I am so envious - and so happy to be getting there via drug :D

My first three days in the new job have been... incredible. I mean that in a good way and a bad way. Each day has actually been packed with the feeling of being productive: being useful, being effective, being efficient; I'm already making small changes and contributing to things in a way I think we've needed for a very long time. I love that part. That being said: I've already got two HR issues - one being one of my guys; one being someone not technically under me but as it relates to something I need to sign off on, it's also mine - and I've spent the past three days literally not having more than 15 mins uninterrupted at my desk (in my new! office!!!!!!) between phone calls and visitors and meetings, oh god the meetings, and shit I have to take care of and deal with and uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
I get the feeling that this job will be much more exhausting and much more fulfilling than my old job. Thank the lord I have sleeping pills. I cannot imagine taking this shit on with insomnia.

I went to PT today and then went for a 30min run/walk at the gym. Spoiler alert: That is too much activity when your body ain't used to doing anything. My neck and back hurt from PT; my legs hurt from running and I am tired as hell. (my body is crying, druuuuuuuuuuuuuug me) I am so fucking goddamn out of shape. :( I love the fact that I can get in the pool and swim for 30 mins and get out of the pool raring for more, saying to myself, "You shouldn't overdo it, ~1300 yards in 30mins is a good workout, don't break yourself further, take it easy" -- and I cannot run more than, like, 5 mins without needing a walking break. I now run like an 80-year-old woman. Hello, I would like to return this body and upgrade to a newer model, please.

Have I mentioned I love my night pills? I love my night pills.

In the last ~month I have been both home and home on time less than 50% of the days: it's more like 33%. I am so sick of people. Next weekend I may lock myself in the basement and not come out.

Happy 4th of July, American yos. Enjoy some awesome fucking fireworks.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/353717.html

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I found pills and ate them

This has been a particularly busy and interesting day. I had one simple checkup this morning but it blossomed into an all-day medical ~extravaganza~ ( /rupaul voice) that I'm simultaneously hopeful about, exhausted from, and dreading the slew of medical bills.

Today I had a checkup and discussion with my pain doctor, went to get a slew of x-rays on my lumbar spine and sacroiliac joint, went to my general doctor, got a major new prescription, and am having like a dozen blood tests done tomorrow. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. When I do something I do it thoroughly. I hope today results in some answers.

( cut for medical talk )

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/338993.html

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[health update] potential win with doctor #3

Yesterday I had an appointment for an evaluation at a Pain Management Clinic. This is the third doctor I've seen for the problem in my neck/back/shoulders: the first being my GP, who is the one that sent me for the X-Rays and MRI (and PT) and found the herniated disc; the second being the neurologist I went to see about the bulging/herniated disc and the MRI results, who was a super asshole that I actually flipped a proverbial table at and cussed out for being dismissive and spending too much time playing up his jokey mannerisms and not enough time listening to me; the third is this Pain Management Clinic specialist to which Doc #2 referred me to be evaluated for cortisone shots in my spine. (For the record, I will not be going back to Doc #2. I will eat nails first.) Keep in mind that there have been 2-3 week waiting periods to even get an appointment at these specialist places; my MRI was in October. The pain started in June. Just yesterday I actually spoke to a doctor who has an actual plan to help me.

Doc #3 was pretty great. He was a little slow - the whole clinic was - but it was the methodical, I'm-actually-thinking slow, which is okay when you're a doctor. But he listened to me, and actually evaluated me there (making me move around, looking at where the pain was, feeling around for trigger points) instead of just reading the notes from the nurse and the previous doctors. And we have a plan.

So, what Doc #3 told me was that basically, after listening to my descriptions/symptoms and feeling my actual neck/back/shoulders, he isn't sure if my muscles are jacked because my spine is fucked, or my spine is jacked because the muscles around it are fucked. He's taking me very seriously in terms of wanting significant pain relief: I'm scheduled for a cortisone epidural (steroid shots into my actual spine places) at the end of February. But since A) there's a long wait time for the epidurals anyway; B) shooting shit into one's spine is a fairly significant procedure; and C) there's a chance the muscles are the cause, not the disc; he suggested that we try something less invasive in the meantime to see whether it provides any level of relief. I have to say, I like this logic: I love a doctor who is cautious and tries the less dangerous stuff first, while I simultaneously love that he hasn't taken the more drastic option off the books (other doctors have done so, and I'm like no, dude, give me the big shit, I fucking need it). It's a good progression plan in my opinion.

So next week Tuesday morning I'm going in to have a steroid concoction injected into the trigger points in my muscles. At best, this will calm the inflamed muscles, relieving the stress on my spine and (maybe after multiple treatments, admittedly) solving the problem entirely. At worst, it will provide temporary relief until the end of February when I get the epidural injections.

I'm also on a sweet new cocktail of epic maintenance drugs to help me make it through the days on as little pain as possible:
- Super Advils (800mg; I have 90 of them) for general off-the-top relief
- a less-drowsy opiate for during the day that I can take at work, hopefully allowing me to not have stabbing pain while at my desk and on the job
- Vicodin to take at night, to help me actually sleep (Vicodin is at the top of the very short list of "things that actually help relieve this pain"), at a higher dosage than I had before
- a new muscle relaxer to take at night; previous ones didn't work well on me, but last night I was seriously in bed by 9:30pm so maybe there's hope for this one

I realize this is my first day on the new cocktail and it might just be a coincidental "good day" at random, but I do have to say the overall level of pain has already decreased. I don't feel like I'm being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot knitting needle at the moment, for once.

So I will get injections next Tuesday and then work with that and the new drug cocktail for ~2 weeks, at which point I go in for a check-up/eval with the doctor again to report back. From there we can do another round of the muscle injections, up/change the drugs, and/or reevaluate the need for the spinal injections. Thankfully, that checkup is before my next trip to the plant, so hopefully I'll be able to have some kind of relief before going back down to work those physically demanding 14-hour shifts.

I'm... I've been hopeful so many times and things haven't worked out. So this time I'm trying to be reasonably hopeful -- this is all new stuff we're trying, and so far I think the plan is good and the drugs are (as a VERY early judgment) working well.

We'll see.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/334478.html

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snap, crackle and pop

I don't know what it is about being alone that makes me want to clean -- not just clean, I guess, but organize: re-organize, re-do. Unfuck. I really don't know why this mood can't hit me more often, and what it is about somebody else in the house that just mental-blocks me from having the motivation to go through the year's bills and sort them -- which is what I'm doing, with assistance from the world's floofiest and "most unloved" cat -- but there's something there. Who knows! I've got Ellie Goulding on and I'm sorting through things in my room and on my desk and feeling awesomely productive. My goal is to have my desk totally revamped and my computer set up by the time Becky gets back. We'll see.

solitude... and no plans... makes a Sev very happy.

The snap, crackle, and pop is brought to you by my lungs: that's the noise they're making every time I breathe in and breathe out. It's quite foul. And scary. Enough people have told me that I look/sound horrible and that I'm going to end up in the hospital soon that... I think I'm deluding myself as to how sick I actually am, just because other parts of me feel "okay".

I'm spending this entire weekend inside, and will be spending much of it in bed or otherwise resting -- today's spurt of activity surely won't last, and I really, really, really want to be over this by Monday.

So I'm spending a weekend alone in my apartment, being productive and resting in equal measure.

This is awesome. Yay introvert's happiness level.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/333095.html

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[medical post] the explanations begin

Turns out I've got a herniated disc in my neck. My C5-C6 has been janked out of alignment with the rest of my spine. Because it's herniated/bulged, it's pinching the nerves around it, which accounts for the pain radiating out of the spot (into my neck/back/shoulders).

I'm oddly--- relieved? about the whole thing. It's not that a herniated C5-C6 is great - it's not - especially when you're 30 and arthritic it's really not - but it's an actual diagnosis. Based on data, rather than "I think it's this" or "from the way you describe the pain, this" (who knows if I'm saying the right things?). Based on data. I'm a research engineer to the core.

I actually don't have a lot more information than that. I've been referred to a neurosurgeon who will take a look at the MRI and give me some more detail (my GP basically said the neuro could give me far more understanding of what was going on than he could) (also, of course, there's some kind of weirdness in the MRI (can anything about me ever be normal please), because the report said "herniated disc versus a bulged disc", which will need to be clarified with a neurosurgeon specifically). After that I'll have more details and the beginnings of a path forward.

Also I fucking passed out in the doctor's office because I don't know why. This has already kind of been an emotionally stressful week (month) (year) due to some assorted 'other stuff' and maybe I'm just more worked up about my body than I realized? Or just general stress/relief/shock...? I don't even fucking know. I felt totally fine. Then I was standing at the check out station waiting for my referral and I started to feel all flushed and skitty, started to feel that awful head rush coming on like I do when I black out (this has, unfortunately, happened enough that I'm 'used to it' and can recognize the signs); so I said to the nurse, I need to sit down like right now and she gave me her chair and I sort of made my way into it (had blacked out at this point but fumbled my way over there with some help) and apparently just passed out in her chair? Came up a couple [moments?] later, and of course when you KO in the doctor's office, holy shit. They took me over to another room to lie down and I had a blood sugar test and an EKG and a bunch of other shit and they gave me a lollipop and eventually pronounced I was fine (I kept saying, this happens enough that I'm pretty sure I'm okay, and the looks the nurses gave me like, uh, what? were awful and hilarious).

I don't even fucking know; I took the rest of the day off too and sulked in bed and accidentally a 2 hour nap with Marzy to ward off the splitting headaches I usually get when I pass out.

I. D. E. F. K.

So yeah, that's that. It's really gross right now in my head -- usually I do a ton of research on medical stuff (when I am on a prescription I always look it up in detail, even if it's a fucking antibiotic) but I can't even bring myself to read a lot of the stuff about herniated discs because I'm just like, ew, oh god that's in my neck. I swear I feel it more - like, it hurts more - now that I know what it is, which is great. Vicodin already doesn't really work; just what I need, more body weirdness. I'm so fucking depressed I'm at the point where it's easy to pretend I'm not depressed because I don't have any feelings right now, I'm a big blank empty sack, so it's pretty easy to fill it up with fake "I'm okay"s. askdja;lsdk;alskd;alsk;;;;;;;;;

So we'll go from there. The doctor said I don't have to limit any of my activity - he basically said, "The damage is already done; activity is up to your discretion; if it doesn't hurt, and you feel okay, you can do it" - so maybe I can just move forward here.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/332767.html

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your usual monday update

In no particular order:

Had an alright weekend. Rested up. My lingering bronchitis cough and related flu are finally starting to admit defeat. Having said that I expect to violently cough up something disgusting the second I post this entry.

Vicodin is sweet.

My MRI is scheduled for this Friday morning.

I've been knitting a lot. I should probably take some photos, to update on Ravelry if nothing else.

I purchased a new blanket this weekend (to be honest, I purchased like four new blankets this weekend because I'm incapable of making decisions - two are blankets for my bed and two are throws for over the bed, and I'm likely to keep at least three of them) and it makes getting out of the bed even more difficult. Fuck.

Met with my advisor on Friday. More on that in a future post. The plan is to have the literature search completed by the end of 2012, and graduating in May isn't necessarily too much of a reach. Also, she offered me an undergrad who I could take as a co-op to LIGIT do all of my thesis work, although he wouldn't be available until May. Talking to my boss about this, some time this week.

Work is work.

I'm doubting I'll be able to come up with anything for Chocobo Racing, although I'm still trying. There's a really great Lightning and Sazh buddy prompt that I really want to write, but. Words. Sigh.

Thinking of doing a mini-NaNo in November with safety_caesars: 25,000 words (each). We were talking about it the other day and I've really been thinking about some of my original fiction again. Prediction: I hit it hard for the first week and then get sick again. Lolsob.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/332459.html

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it continues

Apparently we've moved the focus of this journal from "complaining about work" to "a DAILY UPDATE of what's wrong with my body."

The good news is, my tendonitis is almost completely gone! I can walk without the ankle braces and without lurching around like a really gimpy undead! The NSAID worked wonders on it and I'm going to be really careful for the next week or two - no running at all - to make sure it stays that way.

The bad news is, the muscle relaxers didn't do shit on my neck. So 5 weeks of PT: ineffective. Muscle relaxers: ineffective. NSAIDs: ineffective. Diagnosis: no one has a fucking clue.

To make a long story short, I have to get an MRI. This morning I went in for my pre-approval appointment. They're going to get approval from my insurance and then make me an appointment for it, which will hopefully be soon. Until then, I have a 60-day supply of Vicodin to take - mostly at night, to help me sleep with the pain, because if I take it during the day I have to stay at my desk instead of going out in the lab - which should help me deal with this.

( the longer story )

Good times. One of these days I will be fun again. XD

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/330508.html

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i need the coffee to teleport to my desk okay

The good news:
We actually did fairly well for how busted up our team was going into this (we had injuries, illnesses, training mishaps (or complete lack), or, in my case, all of the above). In fact, I'm honestly pretty proud of my teammates, more so than myself -- we were thinking that 4:00 would be a good time for us this year, and hitting 4:01 with my slow ass dragging us down is pretty impressive. *single crystalline tear* Thanks for being so awesome, team.

My own performance was, well, eh. I'm okay with it. I don't want to say "I'm happy with it" because I'm not, but seeing as I ran with bronchitis AND a pinched nerve, it's more that that's the part I'm unhappy about, not my performance. I'm not angry or beating myself up over anything, because there wasn't much I could have done differently. So, not happy, not mad: I'm okay with it. 7.5 miles in ~74 minutes (by my watch - the clock time above includes Hilldo and my relay handoff). Just under 10:00/mile pace. Not the best I've ever run, but I'll take it, given the circumstances.

And we're still in the top 35% of all the teams that ran this year. Not bad at all!

Also the good news:
Somehow it seems to appear that the shock of running 7.5 horribly hard miles in the freezing cold of morning has scared the bronchitis out of my system? I'm still coughing (and coughing up miracles of nature), but it's definitely receding at this point.

The bad news:
I'm in pain, yo

I've got tendonitis so bad I can barely put weight on either foot. It's Peroneal Tendonitis, from a self-diagnosis after some research in running forums and the like last night. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of a) my already weak and wussy ankles b) absolutely no training for 10 days because bronchitis, and inconsistent training before that because pinched nerve c) surprise!!hills, both UPHILL (which I trained for a little) and DOWNHILL (which I did not and I'm pretty sure did me in).

I'm at work, hobbling around like a total idiot, looking for the secret icepack and planning to basically stay seated at my desk all day long today screw you guys. It honestly feels like someone is stabbing both of my feet. It's horrible :(

The rest of me is pretty sore - my calves are screaming (part of the peroneal tendonitis) and my quads and hammys are very upset with me - but my feet definitely win the shit prize this time around.

The best news:
Despite all the pain, I'm totally done with running for this year.

From now on out, I only have to run when I want to run. I don't have to do any long runs. I don't have to do any tempo runs. I can just run an easy 3 when I feel like it, and if I don't, I won't. Maybe I'll heal? What is this healthy thing??

In fact, today I'm going to go to the pool and do an easy workout (I think the cold water and some stretching will actually help the tendonitis) because I can.

So yeah. Good work, J-Squad. Okay work, body. And now, to hobble to the coffee.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/329854.html

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time for an update, i guess

My body's still busted up.

I've been fighting bronchitis for two weeks now. Some of it is my fault: I came down with it the week the Japanese Overlords were here, so I really didn't want to take sick time off of work and leave my discussions and presentations to someone else; I ended up just taking a lot of drugs and cough drops. I'm also dumb because I continued to run and work out for the first week because I don't like admitting defeat to my own body. When it didn't start to clear up on its own I went to a CVS MinuteClinic and got me some drugs for it, but I think working/working out through it has aggravated it and made it worse. That's mostly my own stupidity, and I probably deserve it, but the bronchitis just had particularly bad timing this year.

I haven't done any kind of cardio (running, swimming, or elliptical) in a week, and I haven't even done weights since last Friday. I've also been sleeping like a goddamned fiend - last Thursday I took the afternoon off sick, took a 4-hour nap, got up and ate and read a little, and basically went back to bed and slept for 10 hours - so it isn't like my body doesn't know something's wrong. I pretty much slept away the entire fucking weekend. At this point I'll probably just rest right on through to the Marathon Relay on Saturday, other than PT today. It's going to be a pretty horrible race for me. :/ I'm sure it will be fun hanging out with everyone, but I'm really just not looking forward to the running bit.

PT doesn't seem to be doing much yet. Every time I seem to think things are improving, it then gets worse. I know from experience that this unidentified friend in my neck works in horrible synergy with the rest of me - so when I'm sick, or when I have really bad insomnia, it's way worse - so for now I don't know whether my bronchitis is compounding the issue by way of general aches and pains, or if it's actually worsening. I just -- I thought PT was supposed to provide some kind of relief (as well as fixing what's broke)? Other than the traction machine (which I may actually propose to) it doesn't really seem to do much in terms of relief.

I just get really depressed when I constantly feel like shit. (surprise, feeling like shit makes you feel like shit?)

I'm really ready to not be coughing and dizzy all the time, and I'm super ready to not have constant pain in my neck/shoulders/back. :/

In marginally less whiny news:

I've contacted my advisor, I'm trying to pick up my literature search again, and I'll hopefully talk to her and go to some group meetings this month :/ (file under: other things I am not excited about)

This weekend I somehow managed to pull together a decently respectable Terra costume for NYCC. There's still plenty of things which can be done with it, but it's more or less going a lot better than I expected. It would be nice to have one 'constant' cosplay that I can wear wherever. (file under: upcoming nyc drunk vacation)

I'm almost finished with a stupid scarf I've been working on for like a year (I lost the pattern okay .___. ) and I have lots of epic plans for scarves and cowls and hats and fun things to knit for the winter. (file under: things i will not end up doing)

Work is somewhat in a lull right now, which is both nice and epically worrisome. No further developments there right now.

I'm trying to at least enjoy the weather. Autumn is my favorite season, and I love that it's colder out. I love the way the air smells, and I love the colors that are coming out. I just wish I felt better to enjoy it. :/

[edit] also I dyed my hair red. and that's really about it.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/329130.html

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my entries just keep getting worse

Sorry, I have been dead as doors lately. I got hit with one of those horrible whirlwind illness attacks I get sometimes, because my body is a failure and I lack a complete functioning immune system. In fact, it's my own complete trash compactor disaster of an immune system that's broken this time; I have an infection in my lymph nodes. I'm on a new antibiotic so stay tuned to see what sort of fun games I'm going to have with the side effects this time (previous records include unexpected unconsciousness, nausea, hallucinations, and being able to feel my own kidneys).

I was all excited about my new gym and Fitocracy and then this happened. Cool work, body. Tomorrow morning before I leave I'm hoping to get in at least an easy run if nothing else; I've had to take this week off so far completely (because I don't think it's recommended to run 5 miles with a fever of ~102) and the Relay is in a month and man, I'm gonna suck at it.

Work has not calmed down. It has gotten worse. We used to only have to meet with the Japanese Overlords twice a year, May and November, which was nice - preparation for these meetings can take a full week in itself, gathering data and making slides and remaking slides and sending your draft to the Overlords and then updating it based on eight peoples' suggestions, and now we're apparently doing this quarterly. It's supposed to just be a Project Review but the Overlords are all coming over here and their expectations are basically just like the (former) biannual meetings and it's just getting ridiculous. Basically this means that a full four months out of my year at this point are spent doing nothing but slides and emails and presentations and meetings and pre-meeting meetings and post-meeting meetings, rather than just two, and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so tired of my life

Went to physical therapy on Tuesday and as expected it felt kind of bullshitty. I'm not saying it's a waste because I know it isn't, really, but the guy gave me like two exercises to do on my neck and if stretching could fix this shit it would be fixed already because I actually stretch my neck out this way a lot, but hey, sure, I'll give it a try and maybe the $$$$ that I'm paying for PT will make it magically work this time. I don't mean to be so down on PT but it just doesn't seem helpful. I am a skeptical cynical fuck and I have no idea how this tiny shit is actually going to help the problem. I seriously feel like I should stop throwing money down the gigantic toilet of chiropractors and PT and instead just buy a goddamned shoulder massage every two weeks. It would be cheaper than all of this crap.

On the plus side, the August Chocobo Races will be ending soon, and this first month was fucking awesome. There are already 14 works and I'm hoping maybe a couple more will slip in under the wire. Plus, I actually wrote for it, which is amazing because I haven't been able to really write in months, but I managed to spin out some Lightning/Snow/Serah that's more of an idea and may spawn 20,000 words of its own if I can ever find my motivation again.

I think I left it in the box of wine

Anyway there is a lot of awesome small fandom and overlooked character work in there, and I am loving it. Next month's theme is going to be soooooo awesome I am super stoked for it >.>

What else do I do

OH YEAH I have been replaying FFVI in small-ish chunks. I've been reminded of a bunch of things I love about this game, and I have to admit that the story ideas at least are flowing madly. I've been mostly talking about it on Twitter, although this week I was way too sick to actually play and type on my phone at the same time. By the way, the World of Ruin and Kefka's Light of Judgment are mad fucking trippy when you're already hallucinating from fever. There were little colored worms at the edges of my vision and when the screen flashed it felt pretty damn strange I put the DS down shortly after that and just went to bed because it can't really be good but in retrospect it's kind of hilarious.

So yeah, that has been most of my week.

Medical woes in multiple directions

I am sitting in the waiting room of Lab Corp right now waiting for my blood draw (with bonus peeing test). I haven't eaten breakfast. I haven't had coffee. These are both cardinal sins in SevLand. It has been an expensive and depressing week for health in SevLand. (edit: I was interrupted for the test and am now happily seated at my desk with coffee post-breakfast.)

Yesterday I took Marzy in for his echocardiogram checkup. His heart murmur has gotten no better; while it's still better than it was at his very first visit (when he wasn't on any drugs or anything), it's worse than his last checkup. The obstruction in his heart is getting worse and the walls of his heart are thickening (from overwork), and while they were examining him they did see one fully stopped beat, which means he is at the maximum dose of atenolol he can be on. The thickening and the obstruction are so bad that they're starting to worry about heart failure and blood clots -- although he is still asymptomatic at home, which is still a good sign amidst all the bad news.

They've put him on another drug, one that will help prevent blood clots. There's a small chance that this new drug will act synergistically with his current dose to improve the murmur - it isn't a proven thing with the drug, but they've seen it happen in a few cases, so it is worth trying. It's an additional $10-14/month I guess (more expensive for humans but apparently I get a break because cats?) and he has to go back in 6 months for another echo.

I was pretty upset yesterday. I cried in the car on the way to giant eagle to get his new drugs, and then accidentally a diet coke from the store while I was waiting and cleaned myself up in the bathroom. My poor little baby and his little broken heart. He is so lucky that I found him and kept him, because i am a crazy cat lady who will pay $$$ to take care of him, and probably no one would have even found it until it was too late. Asshole. I love my cats more than I have loved anything ever and I hate it.

Plus I've got all these medical bills coming in (X-rays haven't shown up yet, but just refilled my inhaler, I look, $120) and physical therapy coming up and I may not be doing a whole lot of anything come September because dollars.

Bodies. Why.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/327534.html

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somewhat hilarious ironies/unfairnesses

#1: I have arthritis, at 30. It's what broke my toes off earlier this year; it's part of what's causing my neck problems, as it has moved into my spine. I'm 30. With arthritis. In my spine.

#1.5: I'm currently having anxiety attacks over whether this is rheumatoid arthritis; I haven't gotten the blood test yet, but i have other symptoms too (constant inflammation of tendons on equal sides of my body, constant pain/ache, etc); an autoimmune disease would explain why my body has never actually worked correctly, and I'm terrified that that's going to be it. I hate self-diagnosers so I'm trying to ignore it, but it isn't working.

#2: One of the fundamental reasons I work out - including weight lifting - is because it can prevent the osteopenia that hit my mum at an incredibly young age and the osteoporosis that is tearing my gramma apart.

#3: Lifting heavy weights is the most efficient way to weight train. Heavy weights, few reps >> little weights, lots of reps in terms of efficiency, bone strengthening, muscle gains, etc.

#4: Heavy lifting and high impact activities are probably what's aggravating my arthritis so badly.

#5: I don't like having to choose between arthritis at 30 and osteopenia at 40. I don't want either.

#6: I guess maybe this is a good time to try that gym with the pool.

#7: physical therapy is expensive, I don't want to do it, and I don't need another thing taking up my already limited time. However, I would like to not be in high levels of pain every day.

#8: Ugh.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/327151.html

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on the gym

I've been doing moderately better at getting my workouts in. I say 'moderately' because I've been hampered by my neck -- I've had the stabbing can't-turn-my-head type of pain on and off but more or less consistently for the last 6 weeks. Some days my neck will move and it's just pain, maybe a 4 on the pain scale; other days it locks up and I can't look over my shoulder or touch my ear to my shoulder, and that's somewhere like an 8 or 9. It's easy for me to ignore lower levels of pain - I haven't had a pain-free day in at least seven years - but this is severe and hampering enough that I'm finally taking steps to get it looked at. My chiropractor says it's a pinched nerve. My doctor gets to weigh in this afternoon. More on that later; the point is, I've been fighting whatever this injury/malady is, and many days, I don't feel right doing any kind of full workout when I'm in that much pain.

The real point of this post is that I'm thinking of switching gyms.

Right now I'm a member of RPFitness and I don't really have any problems with it. It's a very nice gym. The equipment is well-kept, it's rarely too crowded to do what you want to do, and it's about $38/month. They offer some classes for free (yoga, some body pump type classes, spinning), and some you have to pay for (the "FIT" classes, which are kind of like 30 minutes of BodyRock with a trainer), but with my schedule my ability to attend classes is limited. Right now I only visit once, maybe twice a week, to use their weight machines, freeweights, and other equipment, because I'm running outside so much. I've already been considering alternatives, because $38/month is only a dollar a day from one point of view, but if I only go 4-8 times a month, isn't there some other way I can do those exercises and not pay for it? You know?

The new gym that I'm looking at is $53/month, but it has a pool. Recently, for whatever reason, I've really been missing swimming. I was a state-level varsity swimmer for all four years in high school, and I taught swim lessons during the summers I was a lifeguard to help put myself through school. I love swimming, I always have, and as I get older and these fucking injuries get worse and worse, I've started thinking about it more and more. I may have come to terms with what running does for my body but that doesn't mean I like it. At all. And I won't know until I try, but since swimming is a known quantity, a known positive, I feel like I'd be more likely to stick with a workout routine that incorporated swimming than I have been with running - I can train for races, but I've proven that left to my own devices I rarely run (until I start feeling gross). Consistency has always been my problem and it's stupid to assume that will just go away with a simple switch, but at the same time, if it's something I enjoy more, I should be less likely to skip it.

So for $15/month more I would have everything I have now, plus access to a track, plus access to a pool. And a hot tub and sauna.

In September I'll be done with my race commitments, and I have really been thinking about putting running on the back burner and trying three months of using swimming as my cardio. I called RPFitness, and I can actually "suspend" my account for up to three months - I won't use their gym and won't pay for a three-month period, but if I decide to go back, I can do so without having to pay their initiation/enrollment fee again since my account was suspended rather than cancelled.

Of course, to join the other gym I will have to pay an enrollment fee, which is... usually it's something like $275 which is ha ha ha no, but right now they're running a deal until the end of August, and the fee is very highly discounted. So on one hand right now seems like a great time to try it out - I can suspend my RPF membership, pay a lower fee, try the other gym out for 3 months, and make a decision in November.

On the other hand: I have to do it before the end of August, and the Akron Marathon Relay we always run is at the end of September, so in September I'll still be heavily running because I'll be training for the race. Also, even the discounted enrollment fee is still a lot of money and I won't get that back, whether I stick with the new gym or return to the old: it's lost on the chance that I'll like this gym better. Even though I have a good job and solid savings, poor!Sev still lives in my backbrain, and I don't like just throwing money around simply because I have it available.

( Pros and Cons because I love lists )

So that's what I'm musing on today.

Crossposts: http://first-seventhe.livejournal.com/325458.html

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Running, or: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Relay

Something strange is going on with my running this year. It feels good.

Not the actual running part; the physical act of running is still full-on pain - I've got asthma, one ruined ankle with no remaining ligaments, two toes basically broken by arthritis, and horribly annoying recurring tendinitis in my ankles and knees: and you expect running to feel good? HA. TROLOLOLOL, says my body. No, the act of running itself still hurts like it always has.

(So why have I been a runner for so long if I hate it? A combination of factors: a) running is a good workout; b) I like racing with my friends; and most significantly c) the deep underlying fear of my medical family history and not being in control of my body as I age, which is my number one motivator for any and all of the exercising I do.)

But for the first time, I'm coming back from runs, and I actually feel good. I feel better than I did going out on the run. I don't think it's a direct endorphin rush - it's not quite as dramatic or overwhelming as most people describe the "runner's high" - it's more comfortable, more subtle. I don't know what it is. But post-run actually feels good on my body now.

It's a little ridiculous that this is the first time this has happened since I started running again more than 5 years ago.

I don't know why: between injuries, travel, ~~alcohol,~~ and laziness I'm probably in the worst shape this year that I've been in 5 years or so. So maybe it's just that I've (finally) learned how to run, or learned how to train. Maybe it's a combination of the minimalist shoes and my crosstraining that makes everything feel better. Maybe it's the fact that my body chemistry seems to be reversing itself. I don't know. But I don't mind it.

Also a new thing this year: my penchant for purchasing the brightest and most obnoxious horridly lurid neon sports bras that I can find is proving to be a horrible life choice. It's been so godsbefucked hot outside, and since I'm running harder I'm sweating more, and apparently even after several washings if you sweat enough you end up with bright pink or bright blue bosoms? I don't know. Because I wasn't classy enough already?