Well: well.

[seventhe]

I'm struggling my way through one hell of a depression right now. I haven't been this seriously and severely depressed in - in at least 5 years - I am hesitant to say ever, but that's what it feels like right now.

My depression usually hits in waves, tag team with anxiety, and it's bad sometimes, but it's so rarely as bad as this. I'm struggling (and failing) to even get out of bed in the morning; taking a shower feels like an uphill battle and a huge accomplishment, and I get to work and stare listlessly at my computer screen while my to-do list bounces painfully around my head: then the guilt and the anxiety get worse because I'm so behind on everything, but depression just... mutes it, squashes it, so that I can't even gather up the energy to take one thing off the list.

Part of it is situational and part is just depression. I know that I'm burnt out from being busy and working too much; I know I've fried every last nerve trying to deal with this job. I know I have a baker's-dozen emotional issues riding me right now. I know I've been traveling & away from my home more than is healthy. And I know I have fucking fibromyalgia, so I know I'm always tired and listless and in so much pain as the default state anyway. I know, I know, I know all this, and I know even the greatest human being would be hampered by the last two months I've had -- and I certainly know I'm not the greatest human being by a long long scattershot.

But some of it is just goddamn depression. I can't fight or rationalize it. I can't argue and angry my way out of it. The alarm goes off in the morning and I just hit snooze, pet Marzy, and lie there miserably until it goes off again and the process repeats. Sometimes a half hour later the guilt breaks through the giant, muffled, worthless wall of no and I get up to miserably shower. Sometimes it's an hour. I come home and it takes energy to even decide that I'm going to watch Netflix.

My house makes me miserable. It's a mess and I'm not caring for it, and I think I'm the highest-functioning bipolar agoraphobe or something because (a) not being IN my house and (b) the state of my house are two of my hugest anxiety/depression triggers, and they're both beating on me like they can't wait for candy to come out right now and god, it sucks.

I have no idea how I am pushing through the days and continuing to function at work.

Comments

[pict]

By being magical, I imagine.

Would it be possible for you to take a week off to just recharge? Spend a day or two taking care of the house, spend the rest of the week doing fuck all?

[lassarina]

If I can help - including "come to Ohio and clean your house for you" - I will do whatever I can.

I love you, and you're amazing, and you deserve only the best of things. ♥