and now for something completely different

[seventhe]

I thought I was having a good night -- I left work only an hour late, got home, went for a swim, ate dinner, and did an hour's-worth of cleaning up in my bedroom; the floor's clear of traveling suitcases & clothes & shit. That's good.

Then 20 mins ago I just started crying, and there aren't any reasons for it that aren't imaginary.

It's also hotter than fuck and I'm so uncomfortable in my bed. And I'm still crying.


I even had a reasonable day at work. I got two list-things done - one off yesterday's list, one off today's - and a lot of non-list things done. And I left at 5:30 which is only an hour late.

I don't even know, I don't even know.

Might sleep on the couch. It's just fucking gross up here.


Edit-- then I went downstairs to set up on the couch and I went to steal the pillow & blanket I usually use in the hammock off of Gramma's couch and I just - I looked at Gramma's couch and remembered her house is sold, their house is sold. Grandpa's been gone for 10 years and Gramma's never coming home again.

It's just so fucking stupid. So fucking dumb. What is crying going to help? It isn't efficient. It's an irrelevant process.

The thing I hate most about (my) depression is this sudden shit. I can feel like a productive bitch mode amazon all day but then suddenly there's just a storm of tears.

Comments

[queenlua]

:(

*hugs from afar*

[sathari]

Disclaimer: I am definitely Not a Chemist, so my attempts at chemistry metaphors are about to be made of fail and lose.

But it sounds to me like you are being HELLA efficient at work and the crying is, like, a natural byproduct of the sheer amount of stuff that you're VERY EFFICIENTLY juggling--- there's a reason for that old phrase, blowing off steam, like it's the smoke or the exhaust from this incredibly high-powered engine that is Sev Being in Productive Bitch Amazon Mode at work while juggling all kinds of personal things too. This is the smoke coming out the stack, the exhaust heat or other byproducts from the reaction. And... it honestly sounds to me like it's coming out in a way that's really comparatively efficient--- you're handling stuff both personally and professionally, and then you periodically discharge the steam when it's not in the way of anything else.

[novel_machinist]

sounds like exhaustion on top of depression. And it's normal to feel sad about loss and changes. You're surrounded by your grandparents things. (and you appreciate and love them). It's natural to feel like that. I'm sorry you had a bad night and I hope today is better.

[pict]

Crying isn't a bad thing. Sometimes you need to flush out all the negative emotion in an active way before you can regroup and start to feel better. And beating yourself up over it isn't going to help; it's only going to make you feel ashamed of yourself for doing it. Let yourself cry until you're all cried out, and then go back and continue being awesome in your life!

Are you seeing someone about the depression? It might help to consider some sort of medication, if it's that bothersome to you. Of course, only you can make that decision!

Take care of yourself, my dear. ♥

[lassarina]

Crying is a release valve, and I know it doesn't feel like it's doing anything, but I think it's probably helping you, babe.