the trick is to keep breathing

OF COURSE IT'S COMPLICATED

Raised Lutheran (ELCA, not Missouri Synod / the nutso Lutherans) by believer-mother and atheist-father. Dad attends with the family at Easter & Christmas, and that's it. My brother and I were raised through the church, Sunday School and Communion and all, but my mother is pretty lib with her beliefs AND we also had my father - who set a fine example as to how "good people" and "church-going people" can live independently of each other.

My adult self is very much not into church. I don't like people, in general, and I don't like crowds or group ceremonies, especially at a time (like prayer) when one is supposed to be vulnerable and open - I don't want to do that surrounded by friends, let alone strangers. Although I must admit I love church music (old-school hymns played on a big organ, thanks, or a bell choir!), which is the Lutheran in me, and also adore old churches themselves, stained glass, cool altars, etc -- but the organized part of religion is really, really not my thing.

I realize that community is a central part of religious practice for many people, but I'm not a community person. I am a loner. I don't even talk to my neighbors -- I didn't buy this house for friends. It's probably a catch-22 here: I'm a loner because I don't have that community; I don't have it because I'm a loner. tl;dr: it's not my thing.

I also am really uncomfortable with direct evangelism, or "conversion", the part of most modern religions in which you are supposed to bring more and more people in to your religion, to the glory of your god, etc -- I actually don't believe in this at all, or believe AGAINST this, my words are getting confused: I don't think this is a good practice. Now, there is a difference between someone who is a believer and who finds comfort in their church gently offering that comfort to someone else who may be in need / interested in it -- that I find an act of kindness -- and trying to rope people into attending your particular ceremony because yours is right / their way is wrong / they "need" god/church/whatever. I can't understand that kind of urge, and am actively uncomfortable with that portion.

I think I fundamentally believe that most religions are like languages: they are different and you aren't born understanding them all and some you'll never learn, but in the end they all mostly say the same thing.

I consider myself much more "spiritual" than "religious". "religion" to me smacks of institution - denomination - organization - as well as those communal aspects of a worship service that I personally find issue with.

But I do not think myself atheist, either: I do believe that there's something larger than us that drives this world and humanity to be what they are. I think of it much like a force of nature (rather than a (humanized) god/goddess), or a fundamental law of science. Think about gravity: there are gravitational forces on this planet, in this universe, that we can discuss and explain but don't really fundamentally understand: I think "god" is like that. Think about the atom: we can explore it, study it, research it, discuss it, and come closer and closer bit by bit to seeing what it is actually made of, but even then there are subatomic bits of light and energy that we can't actually see or explain: I think "god" is like that. God, science, and nature are all the same thing, in the end.

THIS GOT LONG