(no subject)
Mar. 31st, 2016 12:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seventheI had the absolute worst fibromyalgia [flareup? event? disaster? day?] last night. The pain and fog was just - the best way I can describe it is like you're on a phone call, and there's all this static, and it's breaking up sometimes -- except that you are the phone call, the pain is the static roar in your ears, and the horrible dissociative brain-grinding feeling is twitching you in and out of yourself. My knees were throbbing, my back felt skinned, it was just. horrible. When it faded, it faded into a general all-over body ache, and I was exhausted like I'd just run a marathon while on fire.
Then this morning when I got up the feeling was like when your computer crashed - and you finally get it back, but you have to reconnect everything and redo your settings? That's what it was like. I'm here, but not everything is connected right yet.
The stress of this job is not direct. I'm no longer running around getting lines fixed and vessels into service. It's the more subtle, underlying, poisonous stress, knowing that I'm now responsible for a number of things (and personnel) that were fucked up so long ago there's no 'win' any longer, there's just 'fucking make this stop being a disaster and go away'.
I need, need, need to find better ways to conserve this so very limited energy. Ever since this new job, I come home and crash. That was true before but I used to get a second wind, or even be able to do a few small chores before the crash. Not any more. I crash and that is the end of it.
I don't understand it. I'm in pain at work, always, but I can keep going, do the tasks, get things done; then it's like the second I walk into my house my brain and body go OK, PHEW, WE'RE SAFE NOW and fucking sign off for the rest of the evening.
/whiiiinnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee
Then this morning when I got up the feeling was like when your computer crashed - and you finally get it back, but you have to reconnect everything and redo your settings? That's what it was like. I'm here, but not everything is connected right yet.
The stress of this job is not direct. I'm no longer running around getting lines fixed and vessels into service. It's the more subtle, underlying, poisonous stress, knowing that I'm now responsible for a number of things (and personnel) that were fucked up so long ago there's no 'win' any longer, there's just 'fucking make this stop being a disaster and go away'.
I need, need, need to find better ways to conserve this so very limited energy. Ever since this new job, I come home and crash. That was true before but I used to get a second wind, or even be able to do a few small chores before the crash. Not any more. I crash and that is the end of it.
I don't understand it. I'm in pain at work, always, but I can keep going, do the tasks, get things done; then it's like the second I walk into my house my brain and body go OK, PHEW, WE'RE SAFE NOW and fucking sign off for the rest of the evening.
/whiiiinnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee
no subject
Date: 2016-03-31 05:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-01 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-01 04:04 am (UTC)It sucks so, so bad. And it makes me really angry, and it makes me question if I'm really sick or just lazy when I was firm about "NO, YOU HAVE TO STOP SCHEDULING ME FOR MORE THAN 40 HOURS. I NEED DAYS OFF TO DO HOUSEWORK AND GARDEN AND TALK TO MY DAMN FAMILY AND DO THINGS THAT ARE NOT WORK. NO I CANNOT JUST DO THAT BETWEEN SHIFTS.
But my own experience with it aside, yes, that experience. The one where everything just signs off when you clock out and it's infuriating and depressing.