random day musings turned profound life-altering realizations...

[seventhe]

...or, How Writing A Completely Gratuitous Good Omens Human AU Winery Based Fanfiction Led Me To A Very Personal Revelation That’s Kind Of Embarrassing, I guess.

I find myself in a place where I am simultaneously handling all of the stresses and changes from the rona very well, with very little concern, and... also not doing very well myself at all. It’s a weird dichotomy. The truth of it is exactly that: I am in fact managing the rona situation just fine, but I myself am not. That. Okay.

I’m struggling my way through a depressive episode that - while most likely it’s been riding my shoulders for over a year - really reared its head about the time the coronavirus hit mainland. It started about the time that I went back to work for this contract, really, which isn’t a coincidence. There’s nothing about the job I don’t like; it isn’t exciting in any way, sure, but it can all be done from home, and the work is boring but satisfying. It was the fact that I lost two hours of my day driving there and back. The fact that I miscalculated insurance costs for myself and my spouse and thus am making $300 less a month than I thought. And now, the fact that I’ve lost my secondary work-words writing employment (as no one is ordering blog post content in this economy), which normally can cover my mortgage payment at least, and I’m going to have to face the fact that - while I have a steady income I can live on - I’m unlikely to make significant progress on my debt and my situation come August when this contract ends.

Crown, of course, remains unemployed; he has finally finished the work on our rental, but it isn’t exactly a great time to be advertising and having strangers in. It is also not a great time to be looking for a job, as so many places have put holds on hiring due to the rona situation. So I remain unwilling and unable to ask for financial support there, as his situation also affects my own. (At least we have health insurance, I say, since the hospitalization add-on is the one that would help us through an infraction.) Having the rental done should be a celebration, but it doesn’t feel like one, since there’s nothing to be done about it at the mo.

On top of that I have not spent time with my husband in 6 weeks. I have seen him once during that time period, when he came over to bring me two N95 masks he had in his workshop; we hugged twice and sat 6 feet away from each other otherwise. He’s been on a few video chats. Our second wedding anniversary was 25 minutes on the phone, during which we mostly yelled at each other about how horribly our Presidon’t is doing. I’ve rarely missed anyone in my life, being such an antisocial creature as I am, but I miss him.

My parents are fine but going stir-crazy. My brother, sister-IL, and the girls are - while doing well on a grand scale - not doing well on a day-to-day basis for a number of reasons I don’t want to rant about. My friends all have anxiety and terrible things happening.

And I’m sitting here like a rock, because I’m managing the quarantine blues. I am either:

• actually handling it well, all things considered.
• resigned to the fact that anxiety will do nothing, and simply telling my brain we won’t be having that, today.
• so very good at blocking out all of my emotions that all of the worry is busy shrieking behind the world’s tallest and thickest wall.

Or a combination thereof, I guess.

MY POINT IS (dolphins):

While doing all of this disgusting self-analysis (and while writing a Crowley who’s more me than I ever intended) I have FINALLY hit upon a repetitive behavior that on the surface I think is still valuable, but in-depth, in the long-term, is causing me problems.

It’s a combination of:

• I don’t have to mow my lawn; lawncare is bullshit invented by industry to sell you shit. I don’t have to make my bed. I’m just gonna crawl back into it and I don’t care. I don’t have to do the dishes every day - I’m tired, you’re not the boss of me, no one’s going to see it. Who says I have to put on pants? This clutter is okay; it’s my house, I live here, I own it. I don’t have to do all of these things to meet societal expectations. I’m bigger than that and I know better. I only have to do what I want to do. Don’t tell me what to do.

and

• Yeah, I can have a nap, I deserve a nap. I worked all morning, I earned it. Yeah, I deserve another glass of wine, I’m upset and stressed. I can have takeout. I deserve this. Yeah, sure, I can spend an entire day reading fanfiction; I’ve worked so hard for so many years. I deserve this. I deserve a break. I deserve a little rest. I deserve a little treat. I have earned this.

And these two conceits, operating as they do in my adult-ADHD brain, with my particular set of issues, have the synergistic effect where I never get fuck anything done if I don’t want to do it at that particular moment. (This is key ADHD, sure, but it’s manifesting in this: Why would I do that? I don’t have to, and I deserve a little break, as a treat.)

Y’all can quit hollering. I get it, I get it.

My house is a mess — it’s clean where it needs to be, but I’ve got piles of clutter everywhere. A big heap of clothes at the foot of my bed that’s keeping me from being able to do yoga in the mornings cause I don’t have room. My most functional desk is covered with old electronics. The dining room table, my pride and joy, even has crap on it. I don’t have to deal with it now. I’m suffering. I deserve a break.

The thing is - the realization hit - when I rephrased something in my brain and sort of stunned myself.

no, I thought, i don’t have to change the sheets now. It’s fine. It’s just me in there these days, and I’m not that dirty, and sure you’re SUPPOSED to change them every X weeks but fuck that, nobody bosses around my life, and besides I would rather go write and play video games, and I deserve that break at the moment.

And my brain, doing a quick turnabout in a move I’ll simultaneously appreciate and hate for the next few years, asked me: Don’t you also deserve a clean bed and nice fresh sheets to sleep in?

y’all might think this is obvious but dude, my fucking thought patterns all looked at that statement and kind of just backed up into the bushes i.e. homersimpson.gif.

So starting now, I’ve been carefully and actively trying to rephrase these thoughts when they show up (as is general best practice).

For example, I’m writing this post in the chaise lounge watching the birds, and it’s very nice. My cramps are really bad and I had a huge flare-up yesterday, so I know it is not a day to push myself on physical chores. There is a pile of old mail on the floor next to me and my brain is actually doing a great job of not caring about it. It isn’t top priority, you see. I don’t need to handle it right now.

Don’t you deserve a cleaner floor? I ask myself, and then the pile of mail goes into the recycling the next time I stand up for more coffee.

Small steps. Small things. This is the kind of mental shit it can take years to really fight and sometimes you never get to delete that particular pattern of behavior. I know exactly where it comes from but I’m not at all ready to open up that fucking geyser of emotional bullshit, so instead I’m going to focus on the small steps. Attempt to trick my stupid brainpatterns into working for me instead. Clearly I am a professional.

It’s a deep, deep hole that’s been building since 2013. But the thing is: sure, I deserve some of the breaks. Some of the wine. Some of the cat-naps, some of the afternoons on tumblr, some of the evenings reading fanfic. But I also deserve clean sheets and an empty sink and mail in the recycle. I can also deserve things that are a little work to get.

As a treat.

Comments

[pict]

You are a professional! I think it's awesome; if it works for you, why the fuck not?

This is certainly a weird time, I hope you can get more husband-time soon

[seventhe]

I’m hoping we can break quarantine first weekend of May for my birthday!

[whitemage]

HOLY CRAP THIS IS AMAZING, THOUGH, THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS.

It's a weird time. And I hope when the big thick wall cones down it turns out you really are handling this well.

This is like... an excellent perspective, though, and I will be stealing it to use on my brain.

[seventhe]

I REALLY HOPE IT HELPS! It certainly took me a while to get here, but I feel like once I had that breakthrough, I really had stumbled on something that could probably work for me??

[whitemage]

Yes!!!!

No, but for real, self care is about prioritizing our health, including accomplishing the mundane work tasks like mopping our dang floors. I love it.

[p_cocincinus]

It maybe sounds like your brain has decided to manifest an Aziraphale to take care of Crowley-you. ❤️😅

[seventhe]

...honestly? That is absolutely the most awesome way to think about this right now, so thank you for that lovely mental image <3

[lassarina]

*hugs you*

You deserve things that are a little work to get, yep. Deserve all the nice things.

I love you.

[seventhe]

ILU TOO

[ser_pounce_alot]

The little change in the thought process is a really good idea - I'm going to store that one away for days when I struggle with that kind of small thing, too. I try to break everything down in really small steps, like, well, just take the trash out. That's one tiny thing you can do. And then I go oh, that felt okay, now just put the dishes away. It's like I can only handle tiny bits at a time nowadays and can't look any further ahead than this one simple task to finish. Sometimes it works and sometimes it just doesn't. I'm finding that I get overloaded really easily right now and have to shut down mentally/emotionally. It kind of comes in waves, and I think this is the crisis response at work.

I've also found that I exist right now at a constant low-level of anxiety that keeps me on edge literally ALL THE TIME. And when people show kindness or I feel some kind of relief because something goes well, I actually have to stop myself from full-on sobbing because I'm so overwhelmed. That's been a tricky one to manage, too.

I hope you get to break quarantine to see hubby on your birthday if nothing else. That's such a long time to not be able to see each other; I really feel for you. :( Sending lots of love and comfort. ♥

[novel_machinist]

I'm glad that you're focusing on the things you deserve that need work. It's a really hard thing, esp. now.