they won't let me go there because i've got no status

[seventhe]

Well, last night's exam actually went well. I am sure those of you who have been following this journal have been waiting for me to say those words for something like eighteen years now, after semester upon semester of "I fail!" and "School sucks!" and "Wow, Polymer Science makes me want to shoot myself in the foot and the face."

It's amazing to me how much more comfortable I am with Chemical Engineering, even going on 5 years after my undergrad degree (*waves "old" flag*), especially comparing with Polymer Science: the professors are still quirky moronic asshats, but I understand them and the assignments and the material so much better. I feel like I'm learning again; Polymer Science so far has been a few safe islands of actual learning in a sea of memorization and half-assed faking my way through exams (and angry nasty emails to professors and being blacklisted and having to fight my way tooth and claw through their part-timer prejudice). This has just been a single chem.-E class, but it's already better than the 10 PolySci classes I have under my belt.

Although - I do feel like I'm better at my job with more polymer-based knowledge, so I do not think it was a waste.

I think I'm just a natural engineer.

Either that, or one department is just nicer than the other. ;)

It throws the future into an interesting light. Do I cram next semester and actually finish all my classwork by May 2010? I don't think you guys understand how tempting that sentence really is to me. I have been at this since 2007. It would be nice to be done. And after that, what? My (future husband) boss still wants me to go for a Ph.D. I am more tempted now that I've felt the joy of homecoming in the chemical engineering department. Do I go back to Chem-E? Do I go back at all?

It has been an interesting month or so here in SevLand. I feel like – it feels like I've been treading water, running in place, fighting my ass off just to stay where I am and survive. It isn't just school, and it isn't just work – it's life: an overwhelming feeling of drudgery, of being stuck in one place, of stagnation, of is this really what I want? and is this really where I want to be?

But in the past little bit it's like something has… started isn't the right word: changed. Something's moving; the earth is shaking, the water's starting to flow. Analogies fail me, but maybe it's just a realization that things don't ever have to be any particular way; choices are everywhere. Funny how I give this advice to lots of people and yet don't realize it myself: isn't that what life is all about. Clearly I am a professional! AT MY OWN LIFE.

I wrote something a little while ago about dream-chasing, and me, and I didn't post it because it felt too much like a flagging of my own privilege: look at me, with a stable job and income and life, complaining about not having dreams of all things as if that even matters beyond some cosmic bullshittery. But I watch friends of mine talk about their dreams and goals and go after them like fucking champions, and it made me realize that right now I don't have dreams, I don't have goals, all I have is the steady even keel of a stabilized life. Except grad school, yes, but I don't even want this degree for any noble reason, I want it so that I can continue to work in research for the rest of my life, so that I can get myself up to the pay-scale and respect-level that I deserve for the job I do but am not given because of the lack of a single piece of paper; it's not really a dream anymore, not after all of the blood and sweat and tears (I have cried more over school than over anything else in my life, including men and pets) and angst and agony and asshattery. I had lots of things I wanted to do once upon a time but somewhere in the house payments and the grocery shopping and the homework they can get lost.

I'd said, I'm not sure if this is a good thing, because it means I have realized all my dreams already; or a bad thing, because my dreams were so little and pithy as to be easily attainable; or a very bad thing, because I didn't really have any dreams at all.

In conclusion:

1. Apparently one good test makes you introspective, insightful, and hella whiny/emo


2. I bit my tongue really badly on Tuesday while eating a carrot and now there is a numb nub on the tip of my tongue that tastes like mint. Did I fuck up a taste bud or something? We're talking bad, like there was blood everywhere and I had to go hide in the bathroom bad (I am such a hobo)


3. I've already skipped a day of Daily Photo. Name something I have to take a photo of as punishment!

Comments

[novel_machinist]

I think that just because you're not out to CHANGE THE WORLD OMG doesn't mean that your desires aren't well, dreams and applicable. Wait till the Laguna Loires get BIG DAMNIT. You're an inspiration to a lot of people in the realm of how to balance.

I can't imagine you to not have dreams. But as someone who has an eerily similar background to yours, I can say this. When you are focused on JUST survival, there's no real room to dream about anything. I spent such a great chunk of my life just MAKING IT, that I didn't think about dreaming. Even after I got my big paying job working in the depths of hell and anguish. It was YEARS before I sat back and pumped the breaks and thought. "wait... wait... I can do ANYTHING."

Not just because it pays well, but because I love it.

Just because you don't have them as dreams or as directives from the future Mr Dragomire doesn't make them... you know, not dreams or goals.

I hope that makes sense.

[seventhe]

You make a good point. I've been really proud of the way I've been able to balance my life, especially after the past few years, and maybe I'm selling myself a little short, because stability is a good thing. :)

Plus the Laguna Loires are gonna make it huge in airports

[renay]

Well, I think that's a perfectly noble reason to want to a degree, fuck the world that you need it to get something that you deserve already, but! It's a goal! RESPECT AND MONIES can be a goal (even if it's not a dream).

I like goals better than dreams, because by their nature dreams can be fleeting, but goals are more tangible. You can control goals with choices, but dreams are a little harder.

Blah blah armchair analysis, etc.

[whitemage]

Hella whiny/emo and yet you still manage to make me laugh my ass off...damn, now I must go catch it. ;_;

Dreams are lovely things to take out, play with, and look at. But until they turn into concrete goals and are worked toward, they are too fluffy even for marshmellow cream. So says the daydreamer who goes through a thousand fantasy lives a day.

Finding a rhythmic balance to your life, feeling like you are, indeed, a professional that has it generally under control, that's better than all the frustrated dreams of a million introverted emo asshats.

In conclusion....you rock, woman.

[divka.livejournal.com]

I'm going to skip past all the thoughtful and important stuff, and go right to the tastebud. Is it a little swollen white nubby? 'Cause that'll be a dead tastebud. It'll fall off, eventually.

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

I always thought those were canker sores?? Has everything I've known in life been a lie??

[divka.livejournal.com]

At least in my mouth, canker sores are huge open things. Excuse the grossness.

Thread debating what-the-crap these are:
http://ask.metafilter.com/30642/Tiny-Tongue-Sores

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I didn't realize it was such a controversy! X)

[darcenciel.livejournal.com]

ewww I get canker sores a LOT (I blame my father, who apparently passed down his canker sore gene to me), but as far as I know, canker sores don't appear on your tongue. Only on cheeks/gums (which is where I always get them...)

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I think I know what you're talking about! I get those too. I always assumed it was from me chewing on my cheeks/lips, but then again, they've always appeared randomly and not like, immediately after I've been gnawing on myself, lol. Also, the ones on the gums KILL, owww ;_;

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

It was!! Now there is a bright red nubby there. Did I lose a taste bud? AAAAAWESOME

[divka.livejournal.com]

You traumatized it. The poor thing.

[lassarina]

Weird. I have had a swollen white nubby on my tongue for like literally years. It refuses to detach!

[divka.livejournal.com]

Oooh...it's a fighter!

[lassarina]

Good to know that's what it is, though! Now i can tell the bf and he can stop spazzing about it. (He's an engineer. Everything is a problem to be solved.)

[divka.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah. I guess next time you roll out to the dentist you can let him poke at it. Maybe he can pop it off for you.

Or, it can be decorative. Works both ways.

[lassarina]

Yeah. Dentist. I will not admit how long it's been since I went >.>; Sigh.

(Seriously, though, I do appreciate the random info ^_^)

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

LOL FOREVER AT YOUR CLASSY TONGUE RING

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

Well I'd say it's fair to call "getting your degree and achieving a steady and challenging, well-paying career" a dream! It's lots of people's "dream". Dreams don't have to include saving the world from the physical manifestation of evil and restoring the Earth's crystals to their natural balance (though they should). I mean, the fact that you're sticking this grad school thing out instead of giving up (as I would be wont to do) shows that you have goals and you're working towards them. Who says dreams can't just be selfish desires? All of mine are XD Not everyone strives to be the one to cure cancer, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. We need just as many people to strive to write awesome fanfic and start ball joke-based homebrewing companies and raise kittens, cuz we also do need entertainment in life :D

Basically, if you're happy - keep at it! If you're bored, then try something new. That's about as deep as it really needs to get ;)

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

P.S. take a photo of your flared nostrils.

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

if you're happy - keep at it! If you're bored, then try something new.

this is why I like you


Also: photo of my nostrils at lunch. I'm going to go hide in the bathroom because I bet if someone walked in on that they'd be all whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

Hahaha I'm also totally in no position to be demanding punishment photos since I haven't even started the daily photo yet XD (DOESN'T COUNT AS SKIPPING DAYS UNTIL I START, YO!!)

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

DUDE I AM TOTALLY SAVING UP YOUR PUNISHMENTS FOR THIS WEEKEND. It will be:

1) You with a kitten
2) Your butt
3) Your butt with a kitten

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

YES.

UNRELATED: MY BOWL OF RAMEN IS MAKING CLICKING SOUNDS. SHOULD I STILL EAT IT Y/N

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

OBVIOUSLY Y. It might be a tasty bug!

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

Well it hasn't exploded yet, so that's positive!

Also, THIS IS A CAKE:



YOU CAN EAT THIS.

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

WHY ISN'T IT IN MY MOUTH YET

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

Ah, the eternal question.

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

I smell an icon?

[safety-caesars.livejournal.com]

You smell... oh, that was me 6_6

[lassarina]

I think Becky has said it very well here. Your dream doesn't have to be "Rule at the right hand of High Queen Kitty Priestess Rydia" (or vice versa, whatevs) for Sev to be happy. Balance isn't bad! Besides, not all dreams have to be solveable/attainable in a couple years, yeah? I mean, you want to finish/publish Beacon someday, I think? that's a dream.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. I need more tea.

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

Maybe that's what it is: things like Beacon, original writing in general; I've stopped doing it all. Even the little dreams.

Maybe I need to get back into this. :) GOOGLE WAVE, BABY

[lassarina]

I mean, you've done some little dreams! I remember them! Brewmistress Sev was probably a dream-shaped thing?

[darcenciel.livejournal.com]

yay, a thoughtful post on my flist for me to think about at lunch!

Due to a couple of circumstances in the past, this year has been the first year where I've really felt free to even think about living the life I want to live. I look at people like you and Drak and sometimes I feel like such an underachiever! (NOT A PITY SEEKING COMMENT, DAT'S THE TRUTH XD)

I guess I just want to say: I admire you a whole lot for sticking to your life! Because sometimes it's really hard to stick to life.

[first-seventhe.livejournal.com]

:D :D I'll say it makes me feel better to hear things like this (although I don't consider you an underachiever at all! You HAUL ASS at the stuff you do!) because I am a softie and flattery gets you everywhere. So thanks! XD

It IS hard to stick to life sometimes.

[jennyclarinet.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like life stagnates sometimes. And it's ridiculous for either of us to think that way because we have pretty interesting lives, I think. And we have kittens!

The only thing I would say is to remember gratitude. We've all got a lot to be thankful for.

That sucks about your tongue. :P

It would be pretty amazing if you could finish grad school next May. I could make a weekly countdown for you like I did for Kurt. :)

Soo....sweatpants? What are you dressing up as? Can I know?

[shanaqui]

I am horrifically late to make my observation that cramming everything in at once would probably make you feel like you want to curl up and die... but if you think you can take it, go for it. I like to get things over with like that, too.