the trick is to keep breathing

(warnings: frank discussion about what the fuck is going on here)

-

i am an average fucking american.

i was up until 4 am last night because i didn’t want to go to sleep and have it be today.

i texted Crown to say i love him and be safe

while last night

MH and i put together a safeplan
in case his store sees rioting
(they've hired security)
or in case his apartment complex does
(it's mostly black)

he has a go bag
and we wondered
whether we should borrow a gun from a friend

(i'd shoot; it's my property)

i fidget. i play with my rings, with my watch, with my mobile.

there's a reason
my pantry and freezer are stocked, so that
i don't have to leave the house for a week or two.

it's only noon, but i still want to start checking

(i also want a bloody mary more than i've ever wanted anything in this life)

(but the truth is)
(i've been drinking far too much this week because i'm scared shitless in that numb sort of way)
(where you have compartmentalized so well
that every time you look into the box
you're scared shitless
like it's a fucking surprise

it's where you keep
your terror now
)

the truth is i've been mourning for four fucking years
and now i'm just
lost

i look gay
i am queer
i'm fat and disabled
i'm sick

i'm on 7 medications

and that's just me;
that's just me ;
that's just: me
an average fucking american in ohio

i think, if i am this scared,
how fucking critical
is this day
for other people?

i hydrate. i hydrate so much that i sing water.

(that's what they say, right? stay hydrated.)
(wear a mask.)
(these things aren't hard.)

i consider a nap.
i check my phone.

the truth is that this country is so fucked up that i have to worry about what will happen when (if) that imbecile refuses to leave
or if he wins
or if he says he wins
because he has all three branches now
even typing this
is making me nauseous

please do not jump in and tell me how horrible and stupid my country is
i am living it
my life is horrible and stupid right now
and that's just me

so many people are worse

(do not come into this space and stranger-splain to me the things i already feel in my palms.
do not criticize.
the wretched despair
of feeling helpless
lives in my stomach now.
with all the water
i keep drinking
to try to feel calm.)

i was up until 4 am last night
comfort-reading

but then i slept
and now it's election day.

i'm spending it compartmentalized
and anxious
and halfway to tears already.

and this is what it looks like
for an average american
in the middle of the country
in the middle of a pandemic
in the middle / at the end
of a terrible man's ruinous term.

i have a blanket
and a glass
of water

and i do not check my phone