seventhe: (Rydia: calls the monsters)
Turns out I've got a herniated disc in my neck. My C5-C6 has been janked out of alignment with the rest of my spine. Because it's herniated/bulged, it's pinching the nerves around it, which accounts for the pain radiating out of the spot (into my neck/back/shoulders).

I'm oddly--- relieved? about the whole thing. It's not that a herniated C5-C6 is great - it's not - especially when you're 30 and arthritic it's really not - but it's an actual diagnosis. Based on data, rather than "I think it's this" or "from the way you describe the pain, this" (who knows if I'm saying the right things?). Based on data. I'm a research engineer to the core.

I actually don't have a lot more information than that. I've been referred to a neurosurgeon who will take a look at the MRI and give me some more detail (my GP basically said the neuro could give me far more understanding of what was going on than he could) (also, of course, there's some kind of weirdness in the MRI (can anything about me ever be normal please), because the report said "herniated disc versus a bulged disc", which will need to be clarified with a neurosurgeon specifically). After that I'll have more details and the beginnings of a path forward.

Also I fucking passed out in the doctor's office because I don't know why. This has already kind of been an emotionally stressful week (month) (year) due to some assorted 'other stuff' and maybe I'm just more worked up about my body than I realized? Or just general stress/relief/shock...? I don't even fucking know. I felt totally fine. Then I was standing at the check out station waiting for my referral and I started to feel all flushed and skitty, started to feel that awful head rush coming on like I do when I black out (this has, unfortunately, happened enough that I'm 'used to it' and can recognize the signs); so I said to the nurse, I need to sit down like right now and she gave me her chair and I sort of made my way into it (had blacked out at this point but fumbled my way over there with some help) and apparently just passed out in her chair? Came up a couple [moments?] later, and of course when you KO in the doctor's office, holy shit. They took me over to another room to lie down and I had a blood sugar test and an EKG and a bunch of other shit and they gave me a lollipop and eventually pronounced I was fine (I kept saying, this happens enough that I'm pretty sure I'm okay, and the looks the nurses gave me like, uh, what? were awful and hilarious).

I don't even fucking know; I took the rest of the day off too and sulked in bed and accidentally a 2 hour nap with Marzy to ward off the splitting headaches I usually get when I pass out.

I. D. E. F. K.

So yeah, that's that. It's really gross right now in my head -- usually I do a ton of research on medical stuff (when I am on a prescription I always look it up in detail, even if it's a fucking antibiotic) but I can't even bring myself to read a lot of the stuff about herniated discs because I'm just like, ew, oh god that's in my neck. I swear I feel it more - like, it hurts more - now that I know what it is, which is great. Vicodin already doesn't really work; just what I need, more body weirdness. I'm so fucking depressed I'm at the point where it's easy to pretend I'm not depressed because I don't have any feelings right now, I'm a big blank empty sack, so it's pretty easy to fill it up with fake "I'm okay"s. askdja;lsdk;alskd;alsk;;;;;;;;;

So we'll go from there. The doctor said I don't have to limit any of my activity - he basically said, "The damage is already done; activity is up to your discretion; if it doesn't hurt, and you feel okay, you can do it" - so maybe I can just move forward here.
seventhe: (Life: stress out and die)
There are some days I'm really glad I keep a journal; today is one of those days.

a history of my medical woes this year as told by my blog )

It's now 8 October. My neck/back/shoulders have been bothering me since mid-June, and I've been on a variety of medications pretty much constantly - and unable to consistently work out at all - since mid-August. And I've had bronchitis for 4 weeks straight. Holy fucking shit, no wonder I have been so depressed lately. :/

I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I've got a horribly underperforming compromised immune system; I get sick more than my peers, and it sucks, but after 30 years of it, I can more or less deal. What I hate about my body is when it does this slippery-slope bullshit, this cascading series of one fucking thing after another, when I'm constantly in pain for three months running (with no end in sight) and things just continue to hit and bombard me and it's like the second I get over one thing another has been incubating and just waiting for a moment of weakness to strike. I feel so unhealthy and gross -- not only because I am literally unhealthy, but because without being able to work out at all, my body just feels useless and horrible and flabby-lumpy in addition to being in large amounts of pain and flu-achy and generally grumpy.

It's seriously depressing. And I know depression is a wily beast - I've fought her before - but it puts me in the foulest fucking moods out of absolutely nowhere. I'll start coughing or I'll sneeze and I'm reminded that I haven't felt even close to 100% in like three months and suddenly all I want to do is crawl into my bed with a cat and not come out for sixteen consecutive hours days. I end up summoning the irrational RAGE BEAST on people who don't even really deserve it, because everything fucking irritates me and I'm so frustrated at my body and my weakness and myself that I just fucking snap.

I know that being on different medications for ~8 weeks running probably isn't doing my blood chemistry any good, really. And today at lunch I'm going back to the CVS clinic to have them check out this lingering cough, and if they say I'm still sick, I'll take the afternoon off. I feel like I haven't given myself enough rest -- but at the same time I feel like I've missed so much work lately for PT and dentist appointments and afternoons where Dave kicks me out of the lab because I'm still coughing bronchitis everywhere, so how the fuck am I not better yet?

Whine whine whine J F C.

Off to go attempt to cheer myself up.
seventhe: (Sorceresses)
For the record, I'm trying to post more; I've got a lot on my mind recently, and I've got a journal for a reason. I'm also trying to reply to comments more, which is something I'm bad at - I mostly reply via phone-Gmail*, at work, and it can be hard to keep up with. But anyway, I'm trying to post more consistently. For fun. And profit.

One of the things that has been dwelling on my mind lately is ... Well. I work hard. For the past 5 years I've been working doubletime, putting in 40 hours a week of a job and then grad school on top of that, plus I fill up the rest of my time with shit: running, races, taking care of people, bands, practices, exchanges, writing, commitments, hobbies, cons, cosplay, and an exhausting social life. As much as I joke about being a lazy fuck I'm not really sure I know how to 'take it easy' for more than a day or two; I just do stuff, I tend to do stuff, and I end up being busy by default. My job is both hard and a lot of work (they aren't always the same thing), and grad school is the same -- and even if the other things aren't 'work' and aren't 'necessary', they're still commitments, and they aren't 'taking it easy' either.

Nobody should be surprised to hear that I still feel burnt out, this year; my constant chorus of I'm exhausted should be familiar by now. I've been burning this candle at every available end for years. But I have this awful dichotomy warring in my brain about "deserving a break", and it's getting confusing.

What do you have to do to 'deserve' a break? I'll look at my shit some days and be like, gurl, all you did today was work your usual 11 hour day. You don't deserve a night off. You still have to run, and then cook, and then clean up at least half of it, and fold the laundry. Or I'll look at my week and be like, All you did was work and run and the usual chores. You didn't do anything extraordinary. You don't deserve a break. You still have shit to do! And I'll fill up my hours and my days with that to-do list that doesn't end.

And then on other days I will get to the point where I am like christ in a chevy, I am exhausted and I deserve a break and I am taking one so fuck the world, and I'll do something like drink an entire bottle of wine alone in my apartment while drunk-texting everyone I know and reading horrible fanfiction, or I'll spend an entire day knitting while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or I'll skip working out for an entire week and just lie on the floor instead. And I don't really feel all that much better or feel relaxed; I feel like a giant waste of space because that's what I was. It's a little better, but it's a useless better. Like I feel like I'm entitled to deliberately spend a day doing things that don't mean shit just to prove that I can, because I can, because I am stubborn and want to waste time like everybody else does and no one can tell me I can't, especially myself.

It's like I don't know how to moderate. It's either all or nothing. And thinking back I actually don't even think it's that bad in reality, but my perception of it is: in my head it feels like all or nothing, on or off. I don't know how to hit a happy medium and realize it; I don't know how to feel like I'm compromising. If it isn't all or nothing, my brain makes it so.

And underneath all of that is the fact that I've been working for basically over 15 years straight now, and yet I still feel like I don't 'deserve' a really big break until I finish my fucking graduate degree.

But I think about all the shit that I want to do - I would like to write some fucking novels; I would like to (re)learn to draw; I would like to take more pictures; I would like to actually travel - and first I go, okay, let's do(u) it and then I go, oh god, more things, when do I get a break?

So that's what's on my mind. I need a better system to deal with both relaxing and getting my shit done. Blah blah blah whine more.

*I'm only moderately content with Gmail's iPhone app. It's decent, but not ideal. And I moderately dislike Apple's/iPhone's default email interface. Any iPhone users who use a different mail app that they adore?
seventhe: (chocobo: hey bb)
I love the fact that this is officially the last week of my twenties and I haven't done a single thing about that because I've been too busy and tired to even acknowledge the last few months of my twenties and hey, too late now, right? I literally spent all morning today at work organizing my desk - because I haven't had time to do anything other than "throw paper in folder and pray is correct folder" and that method is slowly but surely backfiring all over my face - and writing my to-do list. The fact that my work to-do list is currently a four-page document with six different sections and tons of bullet points in something that started out as color-coding two weeks ago? The fact that there is so much on it and so many things about it constantly changing that I literally have to take actually significant amounts of time on Mondays to properly arrange it, prioritize everything, communicate those priorities to a dozen people, make sure they're okay, coordinate changes, make a weekly plan of attack?


This is not what turning 30 was supposed to be like .__.

I had a lot of things I was going to do with this year, including finishing my fucking degree/thesis, among other things of various levels of importance. Instead I've spent all of 2012 so far doing the following:
  1. Losing lots of time, energy, and fucks to my job

  2. Spending more time, energy, and fucks being supportive to other people

  3. Coming home and using my last remaining fuck to make dinner and a drink

I really just do not believe that it's already May tomorrow. I really honestly fucking don't. I have no idea what happened to this year but I would like so much of it back. I need to take control of all of this soon -- which is basically impossible since my job came with 400 new responsibilities and -0.1 new authority -- but if work really wants me to finish this degree they are going to have to stop making me work late, making me come in on Fridays, sending me to the plant, and also stop working me so hard that I sleep all weekend from exhaustion. it sad that my "dream 30th birthday" vacation is me alone in a cabin somewhere with a couple bottles of wine where I could sleep and write and then sleep more and then write more? God.

you know

May. 2nd, 2011 09:41 am
seventhe: (Tifa: bad)
I am really tired of the way my body just continues to undermine everything I want it to do. Want to run a half marathon? Well! Ha! You can't train as well as other people because you have asthma, and then when you get really close to running, I'm going to bust up your legs. Want to heal it up by taking time off? That's great, and you're going to get better over the weekend, but then it's going to come back. Want to help it heal with extra sleep because your body already doesn't function well when unrested? HA! INSOMNIA ATTACK SNIPES OVER TWO PRECIOUS HOURS OF SLEEP. HAVE FUN WITH THE AWFUL EXHAUSTED FEELING OF A SLEEPLESS MONDAY MORNING.

My body sucks. Can I have a new one?
seventhe: (Fandom: Hell Bus)
midnight the day before it's due: 2 weeks, 12 pages, 2573 words, 4 tables and 2 charts, 5 independent error analyses and a bunch of google searches later, I am done with the first lab report.

The first one. The easiest one. The shortest one.

*tiniest celebration ever*


Dec. 13th, 2010 12:28 pm
seventhe: (FFEX: Doink!)
has anyone else been hit with the awesome flu going around? I spent 5 hours of yesterday throwing up everything I'd ever eaten, ever. I wish I were exaggerating but I really did puke from 7:00pm until midnight, in about 15-30 min intervals. It then faded into a fever of 102F which is still hanging around today.

I really wish I knew how I caught these things. I don't think it was food poisoning because Jeff and I had eaten the same things that day and most of the weekend and I checked to make sure he wasn't vomiting: no signs. So where the hell did I find death flu this time?

Just great.
seventhe: (Internet)
Since I stopped posting this meme:

  • I have successfully posted the first 4 chapters (aka 40,000 words) of HONK. You can find it on the AO3, which is a much nicer interface, BUT we would also appreciate comments on the version if you'd like to help us out there. AO3 has 1-4, currently has 1-2. Even if you've read the AO3 version, please help a sister out and drop us a comment in either place. ♥

  • I've taken one exam, done two major homework assignments, and have a final next week.

  • Work has flipped on me entirely.

  • Goldbug's exhaust broke, to the tune of a Check Engine light and $700 (WITH DISCOUNT), which didn't help my stress levels

  • I hosted a very successful SevCon at my new townhouse. APPA!!! HOOKAH. HONK. WALKING RUCKUS = IT'S THE POLICE Etc. It cost some money, too, but it was pretty awesome overall. MUST HAVE MORE?

  • I found out Marzy has a heart murmur and has to go to a kitty cardiologist, to the tune of what will eventually be $500.

  • I've watched Seasons 1 and 2 of Avatar: The Last Airbender and while I love it, I am not sure I want to dive into the fandom because it terrifies me. However: MUST. COSPLAY. KATARA.

  • Goldbug's exhaust then broke again on the way to Buffalo, and was fixed after some angry-panicked-furious phone calls over three states. Should have been $360, was discounted down to $160. Still sucked.

  • I spent Thanksgiving with family and friends, a lovely de-stressor...

  • ...only to return to OH with an infection which blossomed into a fever, leaving me on a damn serious antibiotic (let us all now remember Sev's completely idiosynchratic reactions to antibiotics; the last two gave me more infections, face herpes, a rash / hives, and also would uncontrollably knock me out for 2 hours at a time - so far this one makes me woozy and also allows me to feel my kidneys, throbbing at me, which isn't very reassuring) that scares me...

  • ...and the stress of all the proceeding tied up my neck in one of those I-can't-turn-my-head-at-all literal knots, which also prevented me from getting to the doctor (or work) (or anywhere) and made medical treatment pretty miserable.

  • I haven't been to the gym, or yoga, in weeks, mainly because of the above.

  • And I'm depressed about it all.

It is now December 2nd. I am still writing Honk, I am still studying for a final, I am still treating my cats and I also now have the holidays to worry about. I really apologize for dropping this meme, but this has been a seriously rough time.

BUT! Let's all go read some HONK and I'll start the meme back up officially, starting now. :D


Sep. 13th, 2010 02:35 pm
seventhe: (FFEX: Doink!)
I love the fact that I've literally been training for 9 months to run the 8-mile leg of the Marathon Relay - and run it well, at a 10:00/mile pace - and a double dosage of strep / alternate throat infection / antibiotics for ten days / flu and fevers is really going to basically kill all of the preparation I'd done.

Why even bother, some days? :/
seventhe: (Angelo: Invincible Moon), I thought I had totally gotten rid of the "I can't do this homework, I should drop this class and fucking quit this entire degree" mode.
seventhe: (Squall: dammit)
I am going to kill my camera.

I want my kali goddamn fucking Ohayocon photos and I want them now, you little Kodak bitch.
seventhe: (bullshit.)
It is snowing outside and very cold and I don't want to go to class.
seventhe: (Squall: dammit)





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