(no subject)

[seventhe]

My brain always starts up on nights like this, when I am lying in bed, having just read some fantastic fanfiction, amazingly, mind-blowingly incredible fanfiction for fandoms I don't even think I'm in, the kind of stuff you read and laugh out loud and want to cry and envy every other word choice and sentence structure because nothing you ever write will be a quarter as clever, and I don't want to go to bed like an adult, I don't want to get sleep because I'm picking up a co-worker from the airport tomorrow and spending the next four days at the plant, I want to sit up and turn the light back on and spit these words and ideas onto the page, almost violently, just start making or doing something because I'm so tired of being a working adult, I'm so tired of feeling drained, and even though I know I'll hate myself for days all I want to do is stay up tonight and fucking create.

I have spent the last 36 hours in a hotel room by myself. I left once yesterday, to buy beer, and once today in an attempt to go to the pool (which was aborted by a broken filter), and other than phone calls to the front desk and to two delivery places, I have spoken to absolutely no one. I have seen no one except the room service lady I told to come back tomorrow. Other than calls for food and a trip for adult beverages I have not moved my ass from this space and I have had absolutely blissful hours to myself to fucking recharge. I have been absolutely alone. I have had absolutely nothing to do. I spent a half an hour today lying on my back in the bed staring at the ceiling. it was amazing.

This is how exhausted I've been; this is how absolutely ragged-tired and fucked-abysmal I've been feeling, and it's partially why I want to stay up all night writing drivel, stupid urban fantasy novelette ideas or fanfiction or thrincest or lord only knows what - I tried to draw a picture today, on my iPad, because I fucking could - I am NOT an artist - I am so, so, fucking exhausted of having all of my energy to go things away from me, other people, other shit, grown up shit, and it isn't that I dont like my job but I'm 30 years old and some days I feel so robbed by it, robbed fucking blind, it takes all of my energy and I have nothing left to engage, to create, to fucking do. I have friends who don't like to be bored, complain about being bored, complain about doing nothing, don't like not being challenged, and it isn't that I'm not sympathetic, because god, I hate when I feel like I'm not being everything I can as well, but it's been so long since I've had nothing to do, been so long since I've had a spare minute of time to waste on the Internet - today I looked at tumblr for two hours straight - and all I can think is, can you please send an hour of that nothing-time over to me?

And this is why I don't want to sleep, even though I should, even though I know I will - this is why I don't want to, because I feel like I have this blissful, peaceful, fucking empty space away from everything and I want to use every single goddamned second of it on me. Not sleeping for the plant, not getting sleep because of my health issues, not being responsible - I want to write about goddamned lesbian werewolves and finish my novel about the girl with magic powers in the coven that's pretty much the anti-Harry Dresden, and then look at Tumblr again, before i open up some old fanfiction project. I want to be alone. I want to be an absolute waste with clothes all over the room and who gives a fuck, up until 4:30 am Houston Time because she was scribbling ideas for gay incest porn.

Instead, I'm going to turn out the light now.


also I actually miss my goddamned cats so much it hurts. which is fucking irritating because I am still mad as fuck over what they did to that basement, I haven't forgiven them, and I still have to deal with all of that when I return to humanity too, and it's also embarrassing because who misses a fucking cat -- but apparently I am stupid enough that I still miss them and wish I had them in my goddamned hotel room with me.

also, I am actually not even drunk. :/

Comments

[lassarina]

I know this feeling. I mean, I have nights when I'm doing nothing but mostly I end up feeling like everything is eating my brain and I don't have the mental space to create. I probably do, or I could force it to exist, but even though the end of last week was FUCKING AWFUL for reasons you know I came off it feeling really recharged on Monday (and by today I am back to "hate everything", sob.)

*hugs you hard*