the trick is to keep breathing

TW for pet illness, which is how I am letting you all know that the famous and majestic Porter K. Poof is on his way out, my friends.

( The story )

There will be plenty of pictures. We are going to celebrate the fuck out of this old man. He's had a hell of a life, and he's still kicking.

been a while, etc etc. catch up later. things being better doesn't mean they're great, no? had a meltdown yesterday. need to talk about it.

last week a bunch of my close discord friends started planning a trip to barcelona in june to see hozier. and it turned out that almost all of them could go. this is a close-knit group; we've been in a small personal discord since 2020 and talk nearly every day. we met through good omens fandom but we've been close close friends through tons of other fandoms together ever since them. we watched hannibal and ofmd and the witcher and played dbh and disco elysium and got into all these fandoms together. we write together. we gift each other things for birthdays. we send postcards.

the core of the group is european so ofc its easier for them but the chances that this many can get together? unreal.

poland, canada, austria, UK, greece, netherlands. six! feral! friends! meeting up in barcelona!

i want to go.

to fly from the US to barcelona at that time is already $1300 for just the ticket. the trip itself would probably be $2000-$3000. for like. 4 days.

i'm sitting on so much credit card debt. my house is falling apart. i need a new garage door. my couch is a piece of shit; my seat is completely broken. i sit on a couch cushion stacked on top of 3-4 throw pillows inside the couch because it is busted.. literally. and that's non-emergency. i'm still paying off the new water heater i had to get last year. my ice maker stopped working and i can't fix it because the money went to fixing the issue that had the fridge leaking through to the basement. i live in fear of the next thing that breaks.

my best friend, living in my basement, owes me back rent that would make this doable. but his financial situation hasn't been better either. that sucks ass for me, and it's its own issue, but the money literally isn't there.

i have gainful employment that will get me out of this situation eventually. but i'm not out yet.

i know i can't go. i know i should not add to my debt for this. that amount of money is the new couch i need. it's the garage door. it's a debt payment.

but i want to.

so i called my mum, looking for advice, cause i'm shit at emotions, and she basically said, yeah, that sucks that you can't go.

i had a fucking meltdown on the phone. actual breakdown. had to hung up and spent an hour in a crying fit like a small child.

realized later that evening that i had been hoping she would say, fuck it. go. spend this time with your friends while you're young(ish) and you can. go meet them all in one place. do it while your body works. go do the thing.

she called back later, and i told her that, and she still said, yeah, it sucks that you can't go. but don't do it. think of the long-term.

and i realized when i hung up that again i had been hoping that i would tell her i had been hoping for another answer and she would say, yes, sev, go for it. be impulsive and stupid and do the thing. and again she didn't.

and i realized that i wanted her to say that because i wanted to go, so badly. and it's so rare that i feel things. even now. and it's so rare that i want things.

and this is one i can't have, now, and that sucks. so i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. which also sucks.

(edit) on the plus side, me removing myself from the group allowed the remaining 6 to get a very well-placed and affordable 6-person hostel room that will save them all money, so i can at least feel good about that. on the down side, the cost of the hostel is so fucking cheap that i'm stuck here wondering whether i could have made it work after all. on the real side, however, having a 7th person would have meant they could not get the really good 6-person hostel room anyway, so the point is entirely moot.