oh my god

[seventhe]

I have legit spent the last six hours of my life trying to beat ONE FUCKING BOSS in FFXIII.

Six hours, four tall alcoholic drinks, lots of leveling, and eight thousand strategies later, I have defeated the pope bride.

THE POPE BRIDE OF COCOON

IS A MASSIVE ASSHOLE

HE IS AN ENTIRE BAKER'S DOZEN OF DICKS

I HATE THIS GODDAMN GAME


For the record, the pope bride is the guy in charge of cocoon, and at the end of chapter 9 he morphs from the pope bride into a massive ass robot with one giant freaky robot face and four even more freaky upside down fences hanging from his face/body/something. His name is like Barthandreusiamamassiveasshole or something, and the fact that I have spent six hours fighting this motherfucker and I am still not even sure of his name should tell you something about how was to understand FFXIII is and how much I think of it

The strategy online that says you can protect yourself from Destrudo is a massive asshole liar, though, because Sentinel never takes on him and even if it did Lightning still dies every fucking time. Yes, i was totally leveled in the crystarium as far as i could get. The key is Rav/Rav/Rav and get his chain up almost to 200%, because if you do that his asshole One Hit Wonder decreases in power and you actually live. FANCY THAT. Thank you, other online guide. Thank you, Taurus stubbornness.

I did it with Light/Sazh/Hope, because I could have Haste that way along with all Sazh/Hope's other buffs, plus Rav/Rav/Rav and Com/Rav/Rav for ramping up that chain and thus surviving, plus Syn/Med/Med for OH FUCK ME times afterwards. I LIKE SAZH OKAY. I KNOW NO ONE ELSE DOES

I fucking hate this game. I hate that I just spent six hours on that fucking thing. OH MY GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT TO ANYONE EVER



it's okay world, I beat the boss. and now I will sleep.

Comments

[thene]

I still remember how amazingly mad M was at me for beating that fight on my first try. I remember using Sentinels a lot (mostly Delta Attack IIRC - I think I was using Fang-Lightning-Vanille.)

I still love FFXIII ridiculously much ;___; Bartandalus was definitely a weak point in terms of narrative but I count his pre-boss-battle-speech there as the moment where the plot turns full-on Metal Gear; whatever they do, whether they destroy the giant robot or not, the Patriots will win, because they designed the game the characters are playing. That is the amount of meta-headtwist I have to put myself through to keep loving it, I guess.


...Wait, I just remembered it's the one at the end of ch 11 I'm thinking of. nvm why did i write this comment and why am i clicking 'post comment' on it

[thene]

also Sazh is awesome. I only stopped using him at the point where three half-assed Synergists could adequately double for one really good one.

[seventhe]

Man, I tried to use the Sentinel soooo many times, but it would NEVER TAKE??? Like... I tried with both Fang and Snow an d I would switch between the Sen/Syn/Com and Sen/Syn/Med paradigms leading right up to that giant attack,but Sentinel never actually CAUGHT the fucker and so... Game over because Lightning died a million awful deaths.

I have to say, this game is really frustrating to me BUT I CAN'T STOP PLAYING IT?? I don't know whether I actually like it yet or if I am just a stubborn fuck - probably some of both - but it really does have me hooked.

[thene]

By 'take' do you mean getting a Provoke on the fucker so he wouldn't attack anyone else? I'm not sure how well that works on group attacks but in any case having a Sentinel around reduces the total amount of damage everyone takes to a degree based on the Sentinel's level and how many Sentinels there are in the party. (I have heard that if you max Snow out and stick him in a Tortoise he can ignore 99% of damage.) This is why I quit using Lightning as party leader ever - not a good enough Sentinel, not enough HP.

I reaaaaally like FFXIII (had you noticed) but I feel like the combat system is very, very slow to get fun. I found it excruciating until the Anima fight because there was no progression but once people started getting access to a greater range of classes/skills I started loving the strategising and reflex elements of it. I don't like it as much as I like XII's combat system and I constantly wish I could edit the gambits for medics and synergists, but I enjoy fiddling with it, thinking about what I'm using and not using, a lot. I love the paradigm names too ;_;

[seventhe]

Well, Provoke never took, not even for other attacks, but even just with a Sentinel hanging around Lightning was still like the One-Hit-Dead-Wonder (where by one hit I definitely mean the million hits that was Destrudo, you fucker) I don't even. Fang was a L3 Sen too; WHO KNOWS .____. I beat him eventually.

(And then used Fang/Light/Vanille to wail on Raines, succesfully taking advantage of Sentinel there! MAYBE THERE WAS JUST SOME RANDOM GAME VARIABLE LOADED NOT IN MY FAVOR OR SOMETHING)

I found the combat system really confusing at first, as well -- even when the characters had gotten roles and paradigms, at the beginning, skills are so limited that I was still like, "okay, what the heck is my strategy here" because strategy was still = Lightning Kills Everything and I was like, WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED IF THAT IS ALL I DO .___. Like, the combat system is kind of a hot mess at first, no lie.

But once things started opening up, and the characters got more skills (and more useful skills!) and suddenly Hope was a fucking Ravager bomb and Vanille's Sab skills were super effective and it all kind of ended up clicking in my head, like, okay, so this is a hot mess, but here is how you USE this hot mess.

I really enjoy it now -- I like the high-level strategic way of thinking about everything, and I love the paradigm names, and I think it's a great twist on FF games and a good next step from gambits (although I still love gambits >.>). My only real complaint comes from the whole "if party leader dies, game over" thing -- and that's just because I am an old-school gamer who is used to having an entire party with which to buffer spells and toss Phoenix Downs and I am resentful that I have to watch my stupid party leader and it's an entire mindset change. XD

[thene]

YEAH it is really not surprising that they took the 'if party leader dies, game over' thing out of FFXIII-2 (which is like XII - if the leader dies leadership reverts to someone else).

Gambits are still my favourite FF combat system. At one point I sprained an eye muscle from playing too much FFXII and couldn't see properly, but realised that not being able to see FFXII didn't stop me from playing it, so I killed the Hellwyrm while glancing at it occasionally, sometimes belatedly noticing that someone had been dead for the last several minutes, etc. I LOVE FFXII.

[albijuli]

>I LIKE SAZH OKAY. I KNOW NO ONE ELSE DOES

UH WHAT

DO I HAVE TO GET OUT MY CHOCOBRO ICON?!

[seventhe]

I MAY HAVE TO TAKE MY STATEMENT BACK. IT LOOKS LIKE MY JOURNAL IS FULL OF SAZH FANS.

I SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED MY FLIST TO HAVE GOOD TASTE

[zen_monk]

Fucking Barthandalus.

How can a game whose battle system is so deceptively simple yet be so frustratingly hard? It's like whatever's being imputed has little effect on the battle.

Good ol' Sazh. He was the voice of reason amid a sea of youthful sullen-ness.

[seventhe]

^^ that is actually a really good way of putting it. The game system seems simple and you think, I just switch between __ and __ and maybe ___ and then SUDDENLY YOU ARE DEAD.

[zen_monk]

I never remembered grinding to feel so unrewarding and laborious as FFXIII made me feel. Quick kills never feel fast enough, and long battles feel like the turnout is less than worthwhile.

One of my main surprises is that I found Hope to actually be more likeable than I thought would be. And how everyone isn't really reacting appropriately to a kid who admits to want to kill someone they know as a raison d'etre.

[seventhe]

The characters in this game were really slow to grow on me. Except Sazh, who I adored instantly and is still my favorite character in the entire game. But all the other characters I really had a very long and hard time getting into. I just didn't LIKE any of them. Even Lightning, who is a certified badass, I was kind of like, "eh that's cool." Snow is a dick. Hope was blah. Vanille was annoying.

But slowly they all started to grow on me? Like, as the story unfolds? And while I am still not even sure I *like* any of them other than Sazh, I care about them, find them interesting, want to know more?

[seventhe]

but really, yeah, I do enjoy the way Lightning is like "Yeah, Hope, killing Snow is a great life goal, I support you and here's a knife" lolol

[zen_monk]

Not just any knife; the knife Serah gave her for her (worst) birthday. That's like Shakespearean levels of intent.

It really does feel like these people are just thrown together out of shared circumstances when probably in every other deal they'd rather leave each other alone. There's not much cohesive group forming or interaction or banter that would make me feel they're real friends. I similarly felt that all the characters sucked and story sucked more. I was never convinced that saving Serah was the OMG MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER LET'S REPLAY SAME FLASHBACK BEACH MONTAGE SCENE IN THE SAME CLOTHES AND STUFF. Barthandalus never felt like an influential villain, though in hindsight the real villains are all the citizens and soldiers trying to kill you so is it some deep metaphor of how society as a whole kills....?

And Lightning = Squall, and that's kind of all right by me because I like they kind of hate everything and are a little too tunnel-visioned to the point of self-centered and that both sort of aren't succeeding their role model soldier archetype.

[thene]

It really does feel like these people are just thrown together out of shared circumstances when probably in every other deal they'd rather leave each other alone. There's not much cohesive group forming or interaction or banter that would make me feel they're real friends.

This is why I loved it. FFXIII felt to me like an awesome deconstruction of the standard RPG 'these bold young heroes meet and become insta-BFFs and go on a quest together!' setup. They're a bunch of people who don't like each other much and who have no idea what their quest is. I appreciate that a lot, and in general the characters (most obviously Snow, Hope and Vanille) provide further subversions of type. When they did finally start getting friendly it felt like they'd earned it, and I got more out of that than I do from the 'suddenly friends' thing in most RPGs.

[jerkface]

FUCKING BARTHANDELUS. UGH. I HAVE NEVER HATED ANY FF VILLAIN SO MUCH, I SWEAR TO GOD.

Also that boss fight was fucking BALLS. BALLS, I SAY.

[seventhe]

SERIOUSLY. HE HAS GONE DOWN IN INFAMY IN MY LIFE AS THE BOSS OF SIX HOURS WORTH OF DRUNKEN SWEARING

[zen_monk]

Sorry, accidentally clicked reply to your comment.

[lindorie]

SAZH IS FUCKING SAZHBULOUS. WE'VE ALREADY HAD THIS DISCUSSION

I AM ACTUALLY CONSIDERING PICKING UP FFXIII

BECAUSE

IT HAS SAZH IN IT :D

[seventhe]

SAZHMAZING

[zen_monk]

Can I jump in to say.... SAZHTASTIC?

Cuz he is.

[lindorie]

He's too SAZHTACULAR for words.

Seriously.

[zen_monk]

Might as well be a SAZHTASMA show at Disneyland.

[verudo]

I love Sazh. It's okay. XD

[novel_machinist]

That was me from an RP journal. XD oops

[seventhe]

LOLOL it figures. Us old people. XD BUT I ADORE SAZH SO MUCH THIS IS OKAY RIGHT

[yukie]

Barthandelus is what happens when Squeenoft steals Evangelion's bike, rides nekkid through Vagrant Story, crashes into a few surface-level plot points, steals pope Benedict's nightie, and then jacks a few tiki heads from Konami.

THOSE ARE TIKI HEADS UPSIDE DOWN SERIOUSLY

And they are apparently lip-synching

Like seriously I look at them and all I can think is

"Mahna-mahna."
"Doot-doooooooo doo-doo-doot."

Silliness aside I'm still amused at the incidence of Freudity in his imagery, even though that means fandom now has to deal with people thinking the game is much much ~*~*deeper and rich in intricate symbolism***~~*~ than it really is. XD

also ilu for coining 'pope bride' XD

[seventhe]

UM UPSIDE DOWN TIKI HEADS: YES. AND THEY WERE SINGING. it would have been hilarious if I were not so PISSED OFF. like the first time I had a little out-loud freak-out because look its creepy when the pope bride turns into a giant robot face with tiki heads singing along, it's very creepy, but after my first death when I realized What Was Up it really lost its effect XD

[yukie]

Yeah like--when a friend first linked me the fight, I was like

O_O

AAAAA!!!


AAAAAAAAA!??!?!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAFUQ.

And then I blinked. And after a few minutes of twitching and nervous giggling, it hit me and I started going, "O SHIT SOMEONE CALL THE BELMONTS TO PICK UP THE MOAI"

They are creepy tiki heads but they are also backup singers.

[novel_machinist]

Barthandelus is what happens when Squeenoft steals Evangelion's bike, rides nekkid through Vagrant Story, crashes into a few surface-level plot points, steals pope Benedict's nightie, and then jacks a few tiki heads from Konami.


That's the best way of putting it, yes.

[yukie]

When Kyl told me about his attacks I was first like, "Death god fanboy adorned with tiki heads and LAYZURS~" and then, "Wait what destrudo as in the opposite of libido? ...Heeeee EVA FREUD!"

[who_shot_kr]

Oh man. Looks like I bailed at the right time. I was in the middle of chapter 9 when I went all SCREW IT and threw my hands up in the face of all the grinding. I love the crystarium, but my god. Would it kill you to make your leveling system *not* an epic pain in the ass, Square?

Hi. I also like Sazh. *fistbump?*

[seventhe]

I AM GOING TO CREATE A TEAM SAZH LOVE FEST ALL UP IN MY JOURNAL <3333333333333

Well, if you were grinding mid-9 you might not have had as much of a problem with this dude as I did -- but then again, I totally maxed out everyone's crystarium pre-battle (after dying for the 4th time) and still died on times 5 and 6 SOOOOoooo... maybe not.

I think I am enjoying the game, but I also am not sure I have ever played an FF game this frustrating.