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Nov. 12th, 2014 11:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seventheI am fighting a losing battle to make this entry about something other than work.
I had a tiny, tiny bit of a breather in October in which I realized I have forgotten what it's like to have hobbies. I consider hobbies something I'm actively involved in, even if it's minimal: things like sewing, knitting, writing, those are hobbies; watching Netflix, reading Tumblr, browsing Pinterest, those are not. (Gaming is an interesting crossover, because sometimes it actively involves me like a hobby and sometimes it tunes my brain out like a relaxing non-hobby - depends on the evening, my mood, and what I'm doing in the game.) I have - or I had - many things I considered hobbies: writing, knitting, and sewing being the ones I've been attempting to pick back up, but one can also toss in drawing, photography, blogging, house projects, even running and swimming in some lights.
I've forgotten how to have hobbies. I've lost the ability - the energy - to come home and relax via activity: my relaxing time comes strictly from inactivity, ie watching Criminal Minds reruns on Netflix, or lying on the floor. Part of this is the chronic pain, the exhaustion, the fibro fog -- when playing a video game feels like a chore, I'm pretty sure that's rock bottom. But part of it is just being so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my job that I don't have even 1% of battery left to engage in any kind of creative pursuit.
The realization came, as they do, right on the back of a mental epiphany for the future universe I have planned in which I write a series of horribly trash novels about lesbian werewolves in space. I was driving home from the seminar I gave at OU and my brain just randomly decided to figure out how the magic works in the universe, which was the push I needed to sit down at my desktop for something other than Dragon Age.
It was a very confusing feeling. I have the memory of wanting to write, of having an idea, of sitting down and generating notes and plot outlines and sometimes just spilling words, sentences, strings of thoughts and ideas filling up the screen (in abundance, sometimes, because let's face it, I can be the tl;dr of abundant wordcount) --but I had forgotten how to - saying "how to write" isn't exactly it, because sentences and ideas were still coming to mind. I had forgotten how to reach the mindset of "hobby".
I've since then been trying to reclaim it, in the interest of the genderqueer vampires who want to fly spaceships, but it's a slow process. The weirdest bit has been realizing I lost it in the first place.
When you forget how to have a hobby, I think that's a pretty good sign you need to reevaluate your life choices.
I had a tiny, tiny bit of a breather in October in which I realized I have forgotten what it's like to have hobbies. I consider hobbies something I'm actively involved in, even if it's minimal: things like sewing, knitting, writing, those are hobbies; watching Netflix, reading Tumblr, browsing Pinterest, those are not. (Gaming is an interesting crossover, because sometimes it actively involves me like a hobby and sometimes it tunes my brain out like a relaxing non-hobby - depends on the evening, my mood, and what I'm doing in the game.) I have - or I had - many things I considered hobbies: writing, knitting, and sewing being the ones I've been attempting to pick back up, but one can also toss in drawing, photography, blogging, house projects, even running and swimming in some lights.
I've forgotten how to have hobbies. I've lost the ability - the energy - to come home and relax via activity: my relaxing time comes strictly from inactivity, ie watching Criminal Minds reruns on Netflix, or lying on the floor. Part of this is the chronic pain, the exhaustion, the fibro fog -- when playing a video game feels like a chore, I'm pretty sure that's rock bottom. But part of it is just being so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my job that I don't have even 1% of battery left to engage in any kind of creative pursuit.
The realization came, as they do, right on the back of a mental epiphany for the future universe I have planned in which I write a series of horribly trash novels about lesbian werewolves in space. I was driving home from the seminar I gave at OU and my brain just randomly decided to figure out how the magic works in the universe, which was the push I needed to sit down at my desktop for something other than Dragon Age.
It was a very confusing feeling. I have the memory of wanting to write, of having an idea, of sitting down and generating notes and plot outlines and sometimes just spilling words, sentences, strings of thoughts and ideas filling up the screen (in abundance, sometimes, because let's face it, I can be the tl;dr of abundant wordcount) --but I had forgotten how to - saying "how to write" isn't exactly it, because sentences and ideas were still coming to mind. I had forgotten how to reach the mindset of "hobby".
I've since then been trying to reclaim it, in the interest of the genderqueer vampires who want to fly spaceships, but it's a slow process. The weirdest bit has been realizing I lost it in the first place.
When you forget how to have a hobby, I think that's a pretty good sign you need to reevaluate your life choices.
Tags:
- 'fuck work' is the new 'fuck school',
- "well i'm not dead" con,
- fibro fog,
- fibromyalgia,
- i work too much,
- introspection with sev,
- priorities: i has them,
- the bottom of the barrel of fucks,
- what the fuck with extra emphasis,
- why am i not motivated?,
- words words words,
- work: operations manager laguna loire
no subject
Date: 2014-11-13 02:28 am (UTC)Cause I hit that point where all I can think about is "HURT" and it's not that Netflix takes the hurt away or my mind off it, but it's there, idk.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-13 02:57 am (UTC)There's something about the pain that just saps even the tiny bit of energy required to start a hobby vs, say, watching a thing. I wish I knew what it was that made it so.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-13 03:52 am (UTC)I mean, I did manage to write quite a bit this year, but that's only because I've been using the tactic since I was 8 as a form of escape when I couldn't stand reality and wasn't allowed to watch tv. But I haven't done anything as fun as lesbian space vampire-werewolves or anything.
I don't know, I didn't even garden this summer or keep the hummingbird feeder filled and it just makes me feel worse about myself because like those things used to recharge me and make me happy. 8/
no subject
Date: 2014-11-13 04:02 pm (UTC)I do the same though - I spend all of my pain-blocking mental energy at work, then I get home and get to miserable all evening. Bad habits ahoy.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-14 06:44 pm (UTC)Seriously, I'm home sick today and I feel worse about missing class (I MISS ATTENDANCE POINTS) and missing a work shift (THEY NEED ME THERE AND AT MY BEST) than I am about the fact I have an illness. I feel lazy and incompetent about taking care of myself. It's gross.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-14 10:34 pm (UTC)I agree -- it's the mental trap. I feel like if I'm not working my ass off at my job, everything will go to shit. Then I run out of energy and come home, where everything IS going to shit. It's a gross habit when I look at it objectively, but the brains-emotions connections are rarely objective.