icon never more appropriate

[seventhe]

I am fighting a losing battle to make this entry about something other than work.

I had a tiny, tiny bit of a breather in October in which I realized I have forgotten what it's like to have hobbies. I consider hobbies something I'm actively involved in, even if it's minimal: things like sewing, knitting, writing, those are hobbies; watching Netflix, reading Tumblr, browsing Pinterest, those are not. (Gaming is an interesting crossover, because sometimes it actively involves me like a hobby and sometimes it tunes my brain out like a relaxing non-hobby - depends on the evening, my mood, and what I'm doing in the game.) I have - or I had - many things I considered hobbies: writing, knitting, and sewing being the ones I've been attempting to pick back up, but one can also toss in drawing, photography, blogging, house projects, even running and swimming in some lights.

I've forgotten how to have hobbies. I've lost the ability - the energy - to come home and relax via activity: my relaxing time comes strictly from inactivity, ie watching Criminal Minds reruns on Netflix, or lying on the floor. Part of this is the chronic pain, the exhaustion, the fibro fog -- when playing a video game feels like a chore, I'm pretty sure that's rock bottom. But part of it is just being so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my job that I don't have even 1% of battery left to engage in any kind of creative pursuit.

The realization came, as they do, right on the back of a mental epiphany for the future universe I have planned in which I write a series of horribly trash novels about lesbian werewolves in space. I was driving home from the seminar I gave at OU and my brain just randomly decided to figure out how the magic works in the universe, which was the push I needed to sit down at my desktop for something other than Dragon Age.

It was a very confusing feeling. I have the memory of wanting to write, of having an idea, of sitting down and generating notes and plot outlines and sometimes just spilling words, sentences, strings of thoughts and ideas filling up the screen (in abundance, sometimes, because let's face it, I can be the tl;dr of abundant wordcount) --but I had forgotten how to - saying "how to write" isn't exactly it, because sentences and ideas were still coming to mind. I had forgotten how to reach the mindset of "hobby".

I've since then been trying to reclaim it, in the interest of the genderqueer vampires who want to fly spaceships, but it's a slow process. The weirdest bit has been realizing I lost it in the first place.

When you forget how to have a hobby, I think that's a pretty good sign you need to reevaluate your life choices.

Comments

[goldmare]

I used to have hobbies that were productive. When I was a teenager I built a 7-foot tall, solid-as-fuck trellis to arch over the cement steps leading down to the basement of our house. That thing is still standing. Every time I go home and see it, I think "how did I ever create something like that?"

Yeah it's hard to start putting your energy into stuff like that again, if it's been a while. But it sure would be nice.

[seventhe]

I sincerely boggle at some of the things I did when I was younger. I used to have incredible hobbies; now I drink wine and sit on various things.

[novel_machinist]

Yeah, I have so much I -want- to do and it's like. *Sit down* I wanna do a thing.... *internet till bed*

<3 Good luck with your space drama!

[seventhe]

Yup, that feeling. Lots of ideas, but hey look, Pinterest is on.

[whitemage]

That's been the most frustrating thing with my health this past year is like I can find the can to do work and school and take care of my kid but then I go to actually do something fun for myself and it's like "... Well, or we could lay on the couch and watch B horror movies on Netflix."

Cause I hit that point where all I can think about is "HURT" and it's not that Netflix takes the hurt away or my mind off it, but it's there, idk.

[seventhe]

There's something about the pain that just saps even the tiny bit of energy required to start a hobby vs, say, watching a thing. I wish I knew what it was that made it so.

[whitemage]

Yeah! And it's frustrating because I somehow pull the strength to get through the day out of my ass, but then my me time is basically sitting with the pain. Because I'm worn out from dealing.

I mean, I did manage to write quite a bit this year, but that's only because I've been using the tactic since I was 8 as a form of escape when I couldn't stand reality and wasn't allowed to watch tv. But I haven't done anything as fun as lesbian space vampire-werewolves or anything.

I don't know, I didn't even garden this summer or keep the hummingbird feeder filled and it just makes me feel worse about myself because like those things used to recharge me and make me happy. 8/

[seventhe]

I do the same though - I spend all of my pain-blocking mental energy at work, then I get home and get to miserable all evening. Bad habits ahoy.

[whitemage]

And it is bad habits, but I feel like I get punished/looked down on for not doing that--like if I'm not sucking it up and giving my all at work and saving nothing for myself, I'm not doing it right.

Seriously, I'm home sick today and I feel worse about missing class (I MISS ATTENDANCE POINTS) and missing a work shift (THEY NEED ME THERE AND AT MY BEST) than I am about the fact I have an illness. I feel lazy and incompetent about taking care of myself. It's gross.

[seventhe]

I agree -- it's the mental trap. I feel like if I'm not working my ass off at my job, everything will go to shit. Then I run out of energy and come home, where everything IS going to shit. It's a gross habit when I look at it objectively, but the brains-emotions connections are rarely objective.

[albijuli]

Gotdamn I'm going through something similar.

Past two months has just been a work fog and I've had little energy to do anything else.

I just... ugh. Co-sign. Sympathy via light physical contact.

[seventhe]

I'm both sad that more people are there and relieved it isn't just me?

[albijuli]

ikr

like this boat ride fucking sucks but at least there's company

[seventhe]

I'm turning that into a tag

[albijuli]

do the thing

thou must!

*suplexes a train*

[stealth_noodle]

I'm not quite this bad yet, but I keep thinking about all the things I want to do and make, and then I'm so wrung out in the evening that more often than not it turns into "NOPE SOFA." Being creative used to feel a lot more effortless, once upon a time.

I am rooting for the lesbian werewolves! May they blast off into the stars.

[seventhe]

It's a mess. Right now I'm on the couch watching an episode of CM I could sing along to, debating another glass of wine while I have a million things I would love to be doing.

[sathari]

Joining the chorus of "has forgotten how to hobby" and I don't even have chronic pain issues. Like, until a couple of days ago I hadn't really actually gamed in something like months.

And in particular? I totally could have written this: ...when playing a video game feels like a chore, I'm pretty sure that's rock bottom. But part of it is just being so overwhelmed and overstimulated by my job that I don't have even 1% of battery left to engage in any kind of creative pursuit. So, offering empathy and comfort beverages of your choice. *raises a glass*

[lassarina]

Oh my god genderqueer vampires in spaceships yes please can I have do want.

*cuddles you comfortingly*

ETA: I am also doing this a lot; when I realize how little I read dreamwidth and how i don't have the energy for any social networks beyond infrequent DW and consistent plurk it's like what the fuck. But then again there was the entirety of 2014.