the trick is to keep breathing

<a href="http://sevdrag.tumblr.com/post/182994807373/fanfic-commissions"><img src='https://seventhe.dreamwidth.org/file/600x600/4211.jpg' title='Commissions with cat' alt='Adorable cat on bed with advertising' /></a>

Please help spread the word, here or tumblr (or twitter i guess if u have it and use it which I dont). I just need a bit extra to cover the cost of my meds since I haven’t hit my deductible yet. I’m cheap, I’m easy, and I’m ready to write!

Future posts i want to make:
- the house dynamics of a cat family
- Hello Fresh and StitchFix
- January
- my job suddenly going from 0 to 600mph
- marriage, finances, and future
- the 5 mobile games i am addicted to
- my management blog
- nothing political because it’s all a trash fire and it makes me very angry
- new lady music that i really like
- swimming and water!
- new video games!

Brief updates:
- I am alive.
- I still need to review January to see just how badly I flunked all my goals. I’m sucking at writing and art, but I have been doing more gaming than usual, and I really picked up my knitting pace (two pieces complete!). I had a lot of fun cooking and packing lunch more often, I didn’t work out regularly but did work out, and we hit most of the wedding goals we needed to.
- I have two cats on the couch with me right now.
- I went to the pool today :3 swam my usual for right now: ~23 min, ~1100 yards. 40 lengths of the pool. I will get back to that mile soon.
- what the hell else do i do with my life
- shota box.
- why am i not doing chores right now.

The end.

[EDIT] ok i remembered the funny story i wanted to post in the first place, which isn’t even funny and probably only Drak and Cendri will find it funny at all. The main 6-lane pool was full so I had to swim in one of the three lanes attached to the more public water park parts of the facility. I was up against the wall and the thing was that the bottom of the pool was so fucking dirty, it was super gross, like some weird shit on the bottom that was probably harmless but looked like fucking worms or something. There was this like, clump of hair and every time I swam past it I choked on vomit and it also gained some life from my ~wake~. So what did I do? Instead of barfing like I wanted and/or bailing on the swim, I decided that Reno wouldn’t have any of that, no trashing the trash, man. So instead I named it “Cloud” and decided that it was a particularly enthusiastic dust bunny that lived in Rude and Reno’s apartment, under Reno’s bed, which is the one place Rude refuses to sweep for him, and it bothers Rude a ton that it’s there so Reno decided to name it (“after our favorite guy on the planet!”) and sometimes will have conversations with it, usually ones that discuss Rude’s shortcomings. And Rude refuses to admit that it exists, except that Reno starts finding “Cloud” in random places in the apartment, like his sock drawer, or in his favorite plant, and Rude still won’t acknowledge that it exists at all and Reno’s like what the fuck Rude I literally found it in my briefcase Cloud doesn’t move on its own and Rude’s just ... ... and Reno won’t shut up about it and anyway that’s how I survived 40 fucking laps swimming over a hairball

--Rosigo being the first short story/novel in my Ausrine universe/series. The entire premise of Rosigo was that it wasn't really going to be its own story; rather, it would be an event in my characters' pasts, a big defining event, that they would refer back to during the forward-moving stories as a common-knowledge thing. Writing it out would have been a great NaNo project because, even unfinished or with gaps, it could have been that framework for when I wanted to refer back to it.

The feel I'm going for with this universe is a weird combination of the world-based, awesome "high fantasy" + the fun of "urban fantasy" but in space, so I guess a little bit of "scifi"* -- but for me the focus is on the magic in this world - the magic of space, I guess - and how the tales and concepts of magic that people believe in forges actual magical boundaries, and how a "perfect world" guided by all-knowing magic compares to a stand-in for our world now.

I'm looking for some thoughts from fellow authors and readers here.

I've realized that, while Rosigo has a plot, it isn't really a plot. Or like - it is a plot, but it doesn't resolve itself. Basically, the cast of characters is sent on a searchquest, and in the end they find something important. We have some culture clashing and some character development, and much of the conflict of the story ties in to what happens to all of them when they find this thing, but... the point of Rosigo is that what they find is a gigantic complex mystery, which then sets the undertones for what was gonna be the first story (and now may be second). The thing they find makes no sense. It's weird. It's mysterious, it's unexplained, and there is no resolution to what it could be in this book. They make it home and say goodbye for now, the end.

Question 1 is: I am assuming that this is not a very satisfactory ending for a reader?

So then, I consider what kind of plot I would add to this story. Problem is, Rosigo is a very neat standalone little thing - this is what happened - and I think I would have to bring in an external conflict to add a plotline that could be resolved. I have some that would fit! And on one hand, this could turn it from a "short story" into a "novel", right? But on the other hand, am I adding conflict for the sake of conflict...?

Question 2: go with the original flow, or add to the complexity?

As it turns out, what I may have here in Ausrine is a wonderful worldbuilding success and a few key great characters, and all I want to do is squirrel around in it, rather than considering what actually happens.

Question 3: does anyone else do this? like does anyone else just want to write about like what their characters do on the weekends and how vampires survive in space and what exactly is so great about this one place and slice-of-life stuff?? just play in the world without a clear idea of where it's going?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

• question the Nth is why do these boundaries do this? Like, if I have fantasy but it's in space, does that make it scifi or does that make it fantasy? Or a crossover? If I have magic is it automatically fantasy? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

in more important and relevant and interesting news, i have decided i am going to become a yoga witch in my old age, so at least i've got an aesthetic

I dreamt the end of the world last night. The webpapers all said it was common to dream about the end of the world now, but I'd never had one before. In usual dream fashion it didn't make any sense: I was in "Japan", for whatever reason, even though I've never been to Japan, in a strange tall building half-business-office and half-dormitory in that way dreams do where it makes perfect sense to leave your meeting and go down a floor to take a nap. There were people I knew - I know - but I didn't recognize any of them out of the dream. I was coming from some work meeting and for some reason tucking in a roomful of young boys going to bed - and it all happened. The nukes came down, crashing out of the sky, and even though none of them were even close to us, we could all still see the pillars of fire, the tidal wave of smoke, the scent of ashes...

And of course in the dream nothing rose up, and there was no Shattering: and we all felt something dark and hot and burning roll over us in waves. I guess that's how my dream-self was imitating radiation; not like we knew what it felt like. The children screamed, and I was running back through the building and screaming, my skin scorched like a sunburn, and when I got to my dorm room all of my friends were already black and burnt, scarred corpses tipped over or leaning against each other.

The thing is, you wake up from a dream like that and instantly know it isn't true. Your brain is already running through the litany of logic that you need: seven years ago mankind did in fact try to destroy itself, its homes, its planet, by launching nearly every nuclear warhead in existence in a round robin of angry men; but the earth decided it was sick of this shit - our shit - and stepped in. First the world froze time, trapping all of us in this weird viscoelastic stasis where our minds were aware but everything around us had been stopped. Then our planet took a deep breath, which we all heard and felt - and then it shattered what must have been a barrier between its - its power - and us.

No one knew the earth had been protecting us from her magic for so long, although the scientists say it makes sense in retrospect, considering the times magic has leaked through a crack and broken the known laws of physics. But that layer shattered like so much glass - the Shattering - and the power that rushed through vaporized every single explosive that had been fired, and all that hadn't, and just wiped from existence every known warhead and weapon that could damage her.

Then the earth - well, we still don't really know how or why, but the prevailing theory is that our planet needed to tell us something (tell us off, in my opinion; humanity is a gigantic gaping asshole) and it used the history it had: the power coalesced into archetypes of worship, ancient and modern, anything the earth thought mankind might revere and follow. It created the Incarnate, the avatars, the graced: gods and goddesses, angels and devils, from all creeds and all times. Those chosen became vessels for whatever archetypical power had chosen them, and thus began the only way the planet had for us to communicate with her: the best way she had to create protectors that could speak with her voice.

So now, even through apparently everyone had dreams about the end of the world, it hadn't really ended at all - shifted, irrevocably, the complacency with which humanity had lived shattered as well, but not the end. In seven years, I had never dreamed about it. I'd had my share of stupid dreams, sure, but my subconscious had been happy to leave well enough alone - until last night.

I sat up slowly, because even though my brain was doing a great job reciting the facts, I still had this odd feeling in the pit of my belly: almost nauseous, like a physical sense of doom. People said you were supposed to pay attention to your dreams now, with magic out and about, but whatever this had been I didn't really want to pay attention to it.

Coffee would help. I wrenched myself out of the covers and into the kitchen.

I was halfway through the mug and a game on my mobile when it rang. Unknown number, huh. I almost ignored it, but it looked somewhat familiar and that nagged at me. (I haven't memorized a phone number other than my own since I was a small child, so what?) Plus I was still feeling residual existential dread over my dream, and I was mad because I was out of bagels. So I picked it up. "H'lo?"

"Mor," Arston said breathlessly, "I need you to - you need to come over, okay?"

"Arston?" I asked, even though I recognized his voice, and from there remembered I hadn't added his new number to my phone. "Did something happen? Is May okay?" Arston was May's roommate; May was my best friend, had been for almost our entire lives, and had been fighting off a major flu for a while.

"It's May," he said, and my heart dropped - I heard him swallow, and then he continued in an incredibly small voice: "I think she's becoming Manifest?"

"Manifest?" I squeaked, suddenly feeling vertigo. "Incarnate?"

"I - I don't know, Mor, can you please just get over here?" He took in a deep breath, and then exhaled. "She said your name, asked for you."

Shit. Incarnate or not, May would be asking for me, because no one else in her shitty family was going to be any help with any of this. "Yeah, Arston, I'll be there as fast as I can..."

"Good." He hung up.

I realized I was shivering. The foreboding feeling of my dream had mixed with my panic over my friend and created a weirdly toxic adrenaline cocktail. I needed to get to their house - driving would take twenty minutes, biking about the same. If I could calm myself down, I could transport.

My magic wasn't that old - it showed up about five or six years ago, right after the Shattering, but it had taken until about two years ago for it to have solidified enough for me to make use of it. I sat down the coffee mug, checked on the cats' bowls - they would be fine, and took a deep breath. Clasped my hands before me, fingers extended along opposite wrists. Set my intention in my mind. Called up the magic, carefully, focusing only on the spell, trying to shove everything else off into the corners where it could wait. Then I pulled my hands apart, and before I could doubt myself, pushed myself head-first into the glimmering opening the movement had created.

...or some other shittastic ~~pensive~~ title because I'm so fucking out of goddamn fucks already it's the 14th half of january is gone jesus christ stop fucking moving so fast i would like off this ride thanks

I like the organization of "new year resolutions" not really because I believe you need to wait for a calendar year to make serious changes, but because there's something very neat about the way things can slot into having to write a new date on all your sign-offs and checks do people still use checks? i only have to sign them at work and lists and notes; to the excel spreadsheet that is my mind¹, I like the way aligning change with change sorts itself.

This year I am returning to quantifiable goals in some ways, since the general vagueness of "do X more" may be more friendly but does not truly work in the lifestyle I have at the moment. I wanted to do a deep introspective post as a lead in but fuck that, I already have two truly severe horror stories about 2017² and it's the 14th, but I feel like I want to make a statement about the year before I devolve back into bitchcraft and wizardry.

As another change this year, I am looking for friends to help keep me accountable to these things. I've already roped and wrangled a couple people along with me, but if you have similar goals, let's discuss ways we can shame uh motivate SHAME each other into proceeding, or mainly just me, I require someone to - not compete with, but to keep up with, in a way, anyway, I am terrible so do stop.

So here is a list of my intentions for what I have labeled 12/52/365/2017³:

1. Health. Rather than breaking this down into a tale of my woes and triggering an actual breakdown I will instead list the targets:

   • Get more than 4.5 hours of (good, deep, REM) sleep on average. According to my Fitbit, my average in 2016 was below 4.5 hours⁴. This involves a lot of things, including going to bed earlier and somehow figuring out how robots relax.
   • Working out. My goal for working out is to visit the gym - or otherwise work out - on at least 1/3 of the days of 2017: 122/365/2017. 122 visits. This is 2-3 workouts a week on average which should be doable for someone with fibro, assuming I keep them reasonable.
   • General. Continue stocking and making healthy food at home. Drink less at home⁵. Go back to packing lunches for work.
   • Weight/Size. Due to medication changes, 3 surgeries, and a major job change with severely increased my responsibilities, I gained 25-30 lb in 2017, putting me into the beginnings of an unhealthy place I don't want to be⁶. It's also fairly annoying to be at the upper limit of most of my clothing, to be frank. My goal is to use the above 3 points to try to lose 25+ pounds in 2017, OR return to the range of a size 8-10⁷ where my clothing lives. 25/2017. A half a pound a week will do.

2. Writing. lassarina is my partner here; we have pledged to write a fic a week of at least 100 words using a list of prompts we gathered earlier. (Of course, I am already behind, although I plan to work on that immediately after this entry.) 52/2017. The hope, of course, is that writing small things helps to spur the writing of larger things. They will be posted on AO3 and linked from here.

   • subgoal: at least 1 entry a week on DW (52/2017), and 1 entry a week on my secret business blog which I will share once I have some substance (52/2017).

3. Art. justira is my partner here; we have, quite hilariously, pledged to draw a thing a day. For Ira, those things may be recognizable as art; for me, I reserve the right to draw a shit doodle with my finger on my iPhone, as long as it is a drawing of some sort. They'll be posted right here at the Feymarch Library where most of my art shame lives.

4. Home. Of course I have big statements to make about the first floor remodel I want to do, but honestly this is about habits, so my 2017 goal is to declutter my life. Every day I will do at least 1 chore dedicated to decluttering my home⁸ or otherwise making my life easier (cooking a big meal for the week, etc).

5. Mental. A few mantras I am focusing on:

   • Allow hobbies to be chores. This sounds counter-intuitive, but last year I got away from a lot of hobbies I love because I had "so much other shit to do" that was more important in my mind. This year, writing, art, knitting, gaming, reading; these are allowed to be chores I can give priority to. It's okay to write if I still have dishes to do.
   • Recharge your battery. If I have a night where I am truly in too much pain to do anything, I need to stop whining and griping about that, and instead focus on my own comfort and recovery, because self-care is allowed to be a priority, also.
   • Ground myself. I'm not a nice person by default⁹ so making a pledge to share the love or be kinder doesn't really mean anything to me; but I believe I can eliminate some of the negative energy by grounding myself more and letting it just pass on into the neutral environment rather than building up a static charge.
   • Be more of who you are. I lost my way at work somewhat this year faced with a gigantic new challenge with no lessening of my previous responsibilities, interpersonal conflicts, and some sporadic and questionable criticism. Moving forward I need to remember who the fuck I am and be that lady as hard as possible, because that's where I am awesomest.
   • Allow myself to unplug. I don't have to be tied to my phone - not just for work, but texting with friends or playing stamina games. I can leave it in the corner and just be for an evening.

6. Work. I need to focus on managing more: I am a manager, not a contributor, and I need to focus more on leading and guiding people in big-picture ways towards improvement. Too many people list me as a project leader or member, when I should not be a worker on anyone's project - and this is what makes my job so unmanageable. It isn't just me letting go; I need to make it clear to others that there should be more than one person who knows how to do the things I do.

7. Family & Friends.

   • See my nieces at least once a month. See my parents at least once a quarter.
   • Continue to work with my partner on this great relationship we have developed. Learn to ask him for help more, and learn where his boundaries are for asking help. Show love and appreciation better. Develop a good schedule for spending more time together - we are both very obviously happier and healthier when we do.
   • Try to visit someone or travel at least once a quarter -- traveling is really costly to me in terms of energy, but I have broken through some of my traveling-and-health fears last year (Japan!) so it would be cool to travel a bit with friends when the opportunity is there.
   • Stay in touch: post, email, text. Reach out in new areas.

Seven is my lucky number. That's 2017.

---

¹ (mind palace?? nothing so fancy; my brain is a four-dimensional fully-formulated spreadsheet archive with tabs, complete with charts, graphs, and little programs that sort by categories and make a smiley face out of pixels.)

² the first, about my fucking furnace; the second, about my fucking supervisor. stay tuned for more great literature on what makes my life a goddamned shitshow shitcom!

³ because I want to quantify it and report on things, see, like the project manager i am

⁴ Now, the reason I am not dead is because there is also some restless sleep in there, but the problem is twofold: (a) i only get 4.5 fucking hours of the good sleep (b) the good sleep comes in 30-45 minute spurts which is nowhere near what's needed for mental recovery (c) for fibromyalgia one of the most productive and healing things you can do is get REM sleep.

⁵ lolololoLLOLOLOLLOOLLOOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL

⁶ lots of family history of pre-diabetes; I've already noticed my hypoglycemia and blood sugar problems are getting worse. I realize this isn't always correlated to weight but as there is some data pointing that way (scientific as well as family), I want to be sure to avoid it, because dude if you stack fuckin diabetes on top of this stack of medical bullshit I may just ravine myself

⁷ since women's sizes can never make up their damn minds

⁸ on bad days this might actually be something like "put dishes in dishwasher" but let's face it sometimes even that doesn't happen

⁹ nothing against anyone, I'm just kind of sociopathic and hate people in general; i've learnt to "play nice" and I can and do feel love for specific people, but i'm really just not friendly